This Could All Become A Positive Experience

I was trying to fall asleep last night, and I started thinking about everything that has gone on in the last 9 months. I started thinking to myself, "What if this ends up making me a better person. What if I find a purpose in life; figure out what I'm supposed to do."

My lifestyle has changed drastically since I started short term disability in February. My first few weeks, all I did was watch TV and play video games. I had no interests. I had no hobbies. I had no concern for anyone or anything outside of the four walls of my own home. Very quickly, television became boring, and so did checking TMZ.com every 15 minutes. I was starting to realize there was more to life, and I was missing out.

I was restless. Everything and nothing sounded interesting at the same time. One thing was too expensive to try, the other was too boring. One was too time intensive, the other not consuming enough. I was bored, but not enough to be motivated to get off my ass and really try something new.

This whole experience has made me a better father. I have been able to spend so much time with my little girl that I would have never been able to spend otherwise. I am getting to watch my little girl grow up. I wouldn't be able to do that on a 40 hour a week schedule with her in daycare.

With my wife being the knitting and crocheting goddess that she is, I thought it would be a fun idea to learn how to spin my own wool and yarn. I even scheduled myself in to take a class at a local yarn store. By the time the classes came around, I was so on edge with my PTSD, that I had my wife take the class in my place. She was a natural at it(of course).

I started to think of the two things I know most about in life, food and music, and how I could work with them as mediums. I took two years of culinary school back in high school but dropped out due to a lack of hand/eye coordination at the time. I learned a lot in those two years though, especially how different flavors, and scents, go together. I decided to do a little bit of research about how to make soap. Within a week of my first attempt, I made six different food inspired scents. I realized, for the first time in a long time, I was doing something that I enjoyed that didn't involve a computer or TV.

I tried to find things to make out of my old, useless vinyl collection. I made decorative bowls out of the recycled records. I'm starting to make jewelry with them now and learning how to build clocks to put into them. This is fun to me now. I hardly have my TV on anymore.

We used to have a DVR that was so full that we were constantly erasing shows to make room for new ones. The only two shows I watch now are 'Glee' and 'Flash Forward', and I haven't seen 'Flash Forward' in three weeks. I can't watch TV anymore. I cry too much now. This is the first season of 'Grey's Anatomy' that I'm missing. I used to cry for about 15 minutes or so after each sad episode. Now, it would take me three days to recover.

As I said before, I discovered Twitter back in June, and blogging last month. This is either my 59th or 60th blog in 5 weeks. I'm addicted to it. Sure, some of my blogs are a little childish, but hey, it's how I calm down. I love blogging. So much in fact, that I am considering writing a book based upon all the crap that I've dealt with in my life. I haven't even hit 1% of what I've experienced.

I'm discovering myself. For the first time in my life, I have hobbies. I have interests. I care about other people now. I read the news, and see a story about a lesbian girl in Mississippi that isn't allowed to have her yearbook picture printed, and I want to share it with people. I want other people to know about it. When I start feeling better, I want to start volunteering. I've never felt this way before. I've only cared about myself. I have been so selfish in my life and now my outlook on the world is so different. Maybe all this shit that has ruined other parts of my life has completely enriched other parts of my life. It's so hard to explain, but I am so thankful for that aspect of my life right now. I feel so much richer for it.

My 180th Day

I have been out of work since February 3rd, sort of. Let me explain. I used FMLA time available to me from 02/03-02/14 for the most part and then went out on short term disability for five weeks. When I returned from short term, I was able to spend maybe 2 hours a day without going home sick or using more FMLA time. Between the time I came back and the time I went back out on disability again on April 7th, my wife and I had prescheduled vacation for the third week of March. We finally took our honeymoon and went to Vegas.





It was one of the greatest weeks of my life. It was so nice to be able to do it while we had the money and before everything went downhill with the diagnoses that were to follow shortly. I'll never forget a minute of the time we spent together that week. It was a dream come true.

Shortly after coming back from Vegas, things got so bad with my anxiety that I was having 6 or more panic attacks at work a day. I filed my second, and final, short term claim, on April 7th. That was 180 days ago.

So, it's 7:33 in the morning on my 180th day. My have things changed from day one. It is no secret that my condition has changed since day one. I have made that clear in multiple posts. I have changed in a lot of ways. When I first started, all I did was watch TV. I thought it was so cool that I was getting paid to watch TV and play video games all day. TV and video games become boring very quickly. Now, I spend my time on the internet a lot. It is amazing how informed you become when you read the news from a number of different perspectives.

On June 14th, I discovered Twitter. Ran with that and abused it like it was a new Christmas present. I still Tweet three or four times a week, but Twitter has lost it's appeal (that is a post for a later time).

On September 11th, I wrote my first blog. I believe this is my 45th blog that I am writing today. Averaging 1.5 a day....living up to the name of the page....not bad. Just hope I'm boring all of you. I love blogging. It's become a hobby. I see a future in it.

Instead of TV, I spend my time now doing crazy things like making soap and clock making. I'm developing hobbies for the first time in my life. I guess that's what happens when you have 24 hours to fill in a day and nothing to do.

The time off of work had given me one huge benefit. I have been able to get to know my daughter. I've seen her first step. I've been there the first time she used the "big girl potty". By the way, replacement cost for 'Where the Wild Things Are' is $17.41. I get to wake her up every morning, make her bottle at night, and have her say "Nigh Nigh Pa Pa" before going to bed every night. I would have missed a lot of that had I been at work.

I should find out Monday if this becomes semi-permanent. If so, it means a lot more blogging, a lot more soap, and much more boredom....Jesus this gets boring sometimes.
I'm nervous about the outcome. I need the long term status. I can't work. I would much rather it be paid that just be unemployed. Things are tough as it is. We get by, sometimes, I don't know how....but we get by.

Here's to the next 180.