I'm At A Loss

Last week was pretty damn rough. Tuesday, we thought the baby had a UTI, and took her into the doctor. Turns out, she only had a yeast infection, but a nasty one. Wednesday, my wife had outpatient surgery at her dermatologist's office to remove two cysts on her scalp she's had since childhood. She was in so much pain afterward she almost passed out and was practically vomiting. Within 48 hours she had swelling on her forehead that was the size of an orange. The same day, my daughter developed what appeared to be a cold. It looked like it was getting better and now it's coming back with a cough. We're hoping it's not H1N1.

We're all sitting around in the living room yesterday, trying to do our best to recover from the previous week, when my wife gets a phone call. It's my mother in law. She's freaking out. Something had happened to Sandy, her best friend.

We had all met Sandy at the same time, at a farmer's market in Chandler. My wife and mother in law were tending a booth when she came up and had a couple of questions about what she needed to do to get a space of her own. My mother in law instantly connected with her. They became friends almost instantly. Over the course of the coming year, they practically became sisters. They either saw each other every day or talked on the phone. She got mom the job she has now. In fact, the only reason my wife is a Scentsy rep because she knew she would be working under her.

She was a few years older than mom, but you couldn't really tell. Blond hair. Glasses. Running her ass off every time I saw her, but always trying to smile. And the way that she interacted with my daughter, she gave off that "cool grandma" vibe. Just an all around good person.

She was in Casa Grande yesterday, doing a farmer's market in a Safeway parking lot. She had been doing this particular one for about a month now. She called mom at 2:45 yesterday afternoon to say hi and see how things were going. Sandy had just walked away from her booth and was going inside the Safeway to use the restroom. When she got inside the store, she said "I'll call you right back.", and hung up the phone. The phone rang back a couple of minutes later. It was coming from Sandy's cell. This time when mom answered, a man was on the other end. He said that a lady had passed out inside the store and they didn't know who she was. Mom told them where to find Marv, her husband outside. Sandy had had a heart attack.

After a few minutes, my wife and I started to think, regardless of how major or how minor the heart attack may be, there was no way she was going to be in any condition to pack her stuff up and bring it home. So we started making plans to go to Casa Grande to go get it. She usually packed everything up in her Mini Cooper, so getting it all in one car shouldn't be a problem. Between myself, my wife, mom and dad, we arranged to have me stay home with the baby, and mom and the wife head the 60 miles South to Casa Grande to pack up the stuff and bring it home. Mom and dad were at the sister in law's house at the time and we were all going to me at mom and dad's house.

We left our house, and were about a mile away when we got a call from dad. Just seeing that it was from dad, we knew the news was the worst. Mom was hysterical in the background. They had just received the phone call that Sandy had passed away. She had a massive heart attack. She apparently had died at the scene. We were at a loss. I felt so sorry for mom. Sandy was her only friend here in Arizona. I especially felt sorry for Marv. Although I had never met him, I was sort of seeing the situation through his eyes. Sandy had just quit smoking the month before. She was a month away from her 65th birthday. He was laid off from his job 2 weeks ago, and they were planning on traveling the country together in their RV.

We had no idea the farmer's market was in the Safeway parking lot. The way that Sandy had described it in the past, it was across the street from Safeway, in a park or another parking lot. We knew she had Scentsy products with her, and she usually brought hundreds of handmade products to sell. Dad had said that they were too shaken up to go to Casa Grande, and I don't blame them. I started thinking though. What if all of her stuff gets stolen? Knowing how those Scentsy reps are, they've probably already looted the booth. They're like rabid hyena soccer moms. For Marv though, what if everything Sandy had made is there in that booth? I'm sure he would want something there to remember her by. We had to go to Casa Grande.

It was a nice drive. Even though the baby was sick, you could tell she enjoyed getting out of the house. We eventually found the Safeway there but no lot across the street. There was a trailer outside the Safeway selling Cokes and hotdogs. We asked them if they knew where the farmer's market was, and they said it was there in the parking lot. We asked if they knew about the lady that had the heart attack, and they said that her things were packed up and placed in the manager's office. Sandy had packed up so much stuff, that neither our car, or mom and dad's pickup, could carry it alone. We would have to come back with two vehicles.

The manager came out to talk to us in the parking lot. He was a body builder type wearing a Cardinals jersey. He was continuously choked up. He was unbelievably respectful and courteous. I really think that this was the first time that something like this had happened on his watch and he was freaking out a bit. He kept saying how hard they tried to revive her and how they tried CPR. We were almost comforting him as much as he was trying to comfort us. He explained that as soon as everything had happened, he sent employees out to the parking lot to pack up her things, take down her canopy, and bring it into the store. It is currently locked inside the manager's office. One of the assistant managers was even talking about selling hotdogs and Cokes at the store to raise money for the family. I was really impressed.

Unfortunately, we weren't able to take anything back with us, but we were able to verify that it was safe. We stopped to grab a pizza for mom, dad and Marv on the way home and met them at Sandy and Marv's house. Marv was so ill he refused to even accept the pizza at first. We explained that eventually he would get hungry, and if he wouldn't eat it, family and friends would be there that would. Mom, dad and the rest of us went to their place to try to relax for a few.

It was a very rough day, and at the end of it, when saying goodbye to mom, I hugged her and told her I loved her. She teared up a bit and told me she loved me. Although I have always known it, it was the first time I had actually heard those words from my mother in law. It was nice to have that validation. It made me smile. It made me cry.

Yesterday taught me two things. One, I'm getting older. As you get older, two things happen: More people that you know die, and those people are made up from the inner rings of those you care about as you get older. Let me explain. Everyone that you will ever know and that everyone you ever care about will ever know fits on the rings of a tree. At age 7, your best friend's great great aunt is on a much further ring out on level of importance, as say your best friend's mom at age 35. Make sense? The older you get, the more death you see, and the more significant those deaths are. As a child you may have a grandparent or two. As you're approaching your mid-thirties and early forties, your grandparents are usually already gone, your aunts and uncles start passing away, and you're preparing yourself for what to do when your folks die. I think that's what made 'Benjamin Button' such a good movie. He was getting younger, but he still had to deal with that horrible part of being an adult.

Secondly, I realized yesterday that my wife and I are good people. Neither of us had ever met Marv, and it occurred to me halfway to Casa Grande yesterday that I was doing this for him, and not for Sandy. I put myself in his shoes, as difficult as that was. Even when it comes to people who claim to be Christians, most of them do not live by the "golden rule". I try to treat others how I would like to be treated. I know that eventually doing good things will bring positive things in life. Call it Karma, whatever. I just know that, especially now, I have to try to set a good example for my daughter. Sure, I didn't HAVE to drive 120 miles round trip, and I didn't HAVE to buy pizza for her family, but it was a nice gesture, and it was was was necessary for the situation yesterday. And I'm proud of myself and my wife for taking that road trip.

Sandy, we will miss you. You treated my wife and I with kindness, and our daughter with love. Thank you.

Life With My In-Laws

Last night, I spent most of the evening with my wife's parents. It was nothing really out of the ordinary....yarn talk...dinner...some Wii bowling. And I started thinking about my mother and father in law.

There is such a stereotype in the world when it comes to how your relationship is supposed to be with your in laws. It's the backbone of nightmares, sitcoms, and countless stand up comedy routines. By the time you say "I do", you're already wincing at the thought of having to deal with them face to face.

To say that I was nervous when I first met Joe and Karen, would be an understatement. I was nervous for probably the first two years of my relationship with my wife. I don't know how many times I asked my wife, "Do your parents like me? Do you think they think you could've done better?"

In October of last year, they moved to Arizona and we all decided to share a house temporarily while they looked for jobs in the state. We all lived together for 9 months, until May of this year. Times got tough from time to time. Four adults and an infant in a three bedroom house can get a little dicey, whether you're related to them or not. The last three months we were there, both of my in laws were out of work, and I was on disability. Needless to say, we got to know each other pretty well.

I come from a very affectionate family. We would all hug each other and tell each other "I love you." multiple times a day. My wife's family isn't like that. I guess we're all brought up differently. Doesn't mean they love each other any less. Let me explain.

My dad told me he loved me every day. He was also virtually absent in my life. He lived in the same house as I did, but the only time he ever communicated with me was to punish me (whip me with a belt). We never played outside. We never played catch. He never showed me how to shave or set the expectations of being a man. It was like growing up in a single parent home.

In my adult life, my relationship with my parents was rocky at best. In more recent times, my relationship with my parents is non-existent. We haven't talked in months, and it looks as if there will never be a repair of the damage that has been been done.

My mother and father in law LOVE me. They treat me like their son, and not just the guy that married their daughter. That means more to me than any words that can be written in a thank you card or on an online blog. They love my daughter, and my daughter loves them....sometimes more than she loves my wife and I. Going to "Nana and Buppa's" house is like Disneyland for her.

My wife and I have talked off and on over the last couple of months about moving away from Arizona. Going somewhere cooler, somewhere less Republican. I realized a couple of weeks ago that we can't leave our parents. We have a support system here. It may be two people, but they're two very important people. I've spent more quality time with my father in law in the last year than what I have spent with my birth father my entire life. My daughter will never know her grandparents on my side of the family, her daddy's mommy and daddy. She'll never get to see her cousins, or her aunt or her uncle. I will not deprive her of the opportunity to know the one set of grandparents she has left. She treasures them. Likewise, I would never take her away from her Nana and Buppa. She means the world to them. And if it means putting up with 120 degree days for three months a year.....we'll always be within a 20 minute drive.

There's a line from a Disney movie called 'Lilo and Stitch' that says, "Ohana (Hawaiian word) means family. Family means nobody gets left behind, or forgotten". Joe....Karen....you're Ohana. Blood or not, you're family. Thank you for everything you have done, whether you have realized it or not. It hasn't gone unnoticed. I love you Joe and Karen Mom and Dad.

Your Son,

Adam