Ran Into An Ex-Girlfriend Yesterday...

Or, at least I thought she was my girlfriend when I was in high school.  Her name was Teresa.  We worked together at Bank of America during my senior year.  She was also a Jehovah's Witness.

I thought I was head over heels in love with this girl.  I would give her rides home, sometimes take her mom to run an errand.  I even would spend my weekends at her congregation's conventions throughout the year, just to bump into her.  Looking back, I was in the "friends zone" from the moment I met her.  Who could blame her, really.  I was socially awkward.  I weighed at least 40 lbs. more then than I do now.  I had horrific acne.  For Christ's sake, I had a perm.  I looked like Ryan Reynolds in 'Just Friends'...

This IS Ryan Reynolds.  This is not a picture of me at 17.

When I found out she was dating another guy, I was devastated.  I was too naive to realize in the months before that there was absolutely nothing going on between us.  The last time I communicated with her, I sent her two dozen roses, and cut the flowers off of the stems.  I know.  It was a dick move.  A little crazy at the time, too.  I may have also sent her a bunch of commemorative plates in the mail.  LOL.  I went to the library's magazine section and clipped out every commemorative plate and music club offer they had.  I then put her name and address on the forms and mailed them all.  Goddammit, I was an asshole.

My daughter and I were walking through the mall yesterday, and stopped by the Disney Store.  We're looking at Rapunzel dolls, and an employee walks up to me to offer me a bag.  It was Teresa.  I asked her, "I know this sounds weird, but is your name Teresa?"

I told her who I was, and she didn't recognize my name.  Must have made one hell of an impression, huh?  She asked me how I knew her, and I told her that we worked together as teenagers.  Asked her how her mom and sister were doing.  She realized by the fact that I asked about her family that I used to be a Witness.  She never introduced any of her "worldly" friends to her JW family.

I introduced her to my little girl and told her a little about what's been happening in my life lately.  She has three kids now.  They were sitting on the bench in the mall outside the store.  She had to step away to help another customer.

I have no idea whether she's still a Witness or not.  She asked me if I was still practicing.  I laughed.  Told her that I haven't been in since I was 21.  Also told her that I have an ex-JW blog and that my wife and I were activists for the LGBT community.  Needless to say, she didn't ask any more questions at that point.  Thankfully, I don't even "look" like a Witness anymore.  I've grown a beard.  I have numerous visable tattoos (one of which takes up my left forearm), and my ears are stretched.  I'm a little surprised that she asked.

I've thought a lot about Teresa in the last 24 hours.  I've been wondering "what if".  What if things worked out between us?  What if those were my kids sitting outside of that store?  What if I had tried harder to stay in the church?

Realistically, if any of those scenarios found some way to have worked themselves out, my life would have been miserable.  She wouldn't have understood, or accepted, my sexual orientation.  In fact, I have changed so much about myself in the last ten years, that she wouldn't have even been a remotely compatible match for me.  There is no doubt that we would have broken up.  I would have even suffered through the trauma of a divorce to get out of the Witness organization, if it was necessary to do so.  

It makes me realize how considerably lucky I am.  I have a beautiful, intelligent wife that accepts me for who I am....no reservations.  She made me able to truly be myself for the first time in my life.  I'm a stronger person because of her.  I'm not cowering in the corner any longer.  I'm a better person because of her.  

I used to pray that I would do anything if God just made Teresa mine.  Thankfully, those prayers fell on deaf ears.