My Book Of BS, Chapter 1 - God Violates The Laws Of Physics

"And the Lord said, "Fuck science". - Genesis 1:12

My Book Of Bible Stories...Remixed

It was the first book I remember reading as a kid, and the only book I had until probably a couple of years into elementary school.  Over time, the ink on the pages had faded, after years of abuse.  The spine and cover had long disappeared.  In fact, I don't know of a single kid that didn't lose the book's cover at some point.

It was the first book that I was able to read on my own.  My mother used it to teach me how to read.  It was also the tool she used to indoctrinate and brainwash her children.  That ugly yellow book...

35 years later, a group of former Witnesses have taken it upon themselves to rewrite some of their least favorite chapters in 'My Book of Bible Stories'.  They've named it 'My Book of BS', because, let's face it, it's all bullshit. 

While a subreddit was created to post these rebooted Bible stories, I thought it would be fun to share the stories in the order they're printed in the original book.  I'll post a new BS story every few days, for the next couple of weeks.  Hopefully, we can all have a couple of laughs and bring back a good memory or two. 

From the Reddit page:

My Book of Bible Stories is a children's book published by the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society (the organization that rules over Jehovah's Witnesses).

It was designed to make the loathsome stories in the Bible as kid-friendly as possible. The art contained in it was notoriously horrible and the pandering language unintentionally hilarious.

This subreddit was created to rewrite the stories to make them more accurately reflect the truth according to normal modern sensibilities about the backwards, barbaric nature of much of the Bible... and to have a few laughs.

Today, we'll start with an introduction....

 

Jehovah's Witnesses Now Indoctrinating Toddlers In The Watchtower

One of my earliest memories was of that damn yellow book.

As a child, I don't remember having any other storybooks in the house.  It wasn't until I was in grade school, and had access to the library, that I read something "worldly".

My mom was very diligent in trying to educate me.  At the age of three, I was already reading and writing on my own.  At four, I was enrolled in the Theocratic Ministry School, giving sermons in front of the congregation, with the intent of making myself a better magazine salesman on the weekends. 

When most kids were learning nursery rhymes or fairy tales, I was memorizing the lineage of Jesus.  I even memorized the tribes of Israel.  All twelve of them.  To the tune of 'Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious', no less.

In the years since 1978, the organization of Jehovah's Witnesses have converted 'My Book of Bible Stories' into audio cassettes, CDs, and even a webpage.  Around 2006, they swapped out the cover to something less atrocious.  

Now, the Watchtower has taken a giant leap forward in the realm of religious indoctrination.  In the May 1, 2012, Watchtower, they have dedicated pages 24 and 25 to children under the age of three.  

That's funny.  That's not the picture I remember in the Noah's Ark story that I read as a kid.

That's the one.  Bald guy getting swept away by the current.  Mother and child clinging to life on the rocks.  No wonder I had horrific nightmares as a kid.