My Book Of Bible Stories...Remixed

It was the first book I remember reading as a kid, and the only book I had until probably a couple of years into elementary school.  Over time, the ink on the pages had faded, after years of abuse.  The spine and cover had long disappeared.  In fact, I don't know of a single kid that didn't lose the book's cover at some point.

It was the first book that I was able to read on my own.  My mother used it to teach me how to read.  It was also the tool she used to indoctrinate and brainwash her children.  That ugly yellow book...

35 years later, a group of former Witnesses have taken it upon themselves to rewrite some of their least favorite chapters in 'My Book of Bible Stories'.  They've named it 'My Book of BS', because, let's face it, it's all bullshit. 

While a subreddit was created to post these rebooted Bible stories, I thought it would be fun to share the stories in the order they're printed in the original book.  I'll post a new BS story every few days, for the next couple of weeks.  Hopefully, we can all have a couple of laughs and bring back a good memory or two. 

From the Reddit page:

My Book of Bible Stories is a children's book published by the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society (the organization that rules over Jehovah's Witnesses).

It was designed to make the loathsome stories in the Bible as kid-friendly as possible. The art contained in it was notoriously horrible and the pandering language unintentionally hilarious.

This subreddit was created to rewrite the stories to make them more accurately reflect the truth according to normal modern sensibilities about the backwards, barbaric nature of much of the Bible... and to have a few laughs.

Today, we'll start with an introduction....

 

"Sell Crazy Someplace Else. We're All Stocked Up Here."

I blog about a number of different things that catch my attention.  This page started off with the intent on discussing my day to day life with Tourette's and PTSD, but that became very depressing.  I found that I had to change it up very quickly.  So, I started to write on what I was passionate about.  Some days it's music.  Other times, I'll post about politics or gay rights.  Sometimes, I'll go for a week without posting anything but a movie trailer (sorry about those weeks).  The posts on this blog that seem to get the most attention, and many times the most comments, are the ones about Jehovah's Witnesses, and my experiences from within the organization.

I tend to have quite a few readers that are former JWs, and that find my site from Google searches, looking for information regarding the religion.  I have contemplated many times about making the blog an "ex-JW only" themed page, but have decided against it, because I would probably end up starting another blog just to write about everything else, anyway.

Because some of what I write about has to do with the gay community, I have chosen to moderate the comments at this time, so I can make sure nothing hateful or homophobic appears on the site.  So, every comment pops up in my email first, and gives me the option to either publish it, or delete it.  With that being said, one of the drawbacks of posting something Jehovah's Witness related, is having to subsequently deal with the comments.  I would say that about 95% of the comments I receive are positive in nature.  In some of them, the reader relates a story or an experience they had back in the day as a JW.  The other 5% however, is a mixed bag.  

About two months ago, I published a post entitled, "02/15/2011 Watchtower: Disfellowshipped/Disassociated Ones Are 'Demons'".  Many of you read it.  Quite a few of you commented on it on various Facebook pages.  Overall, readers seemed to have the same reaction to the Watchtower article as I did:  The organization had gone too far to show the requirement for Jehovah's Witnesses to shun their disfellowshipped family members.

Apparently, there are some that disagree with me.  I received a Facebook message on March 23rd.  Keep in mind, I do not publish my Facebook address.  I don't have any links to my Facebook account from my blog.  Someone TRACKED MY ASS DOWN in order to write me directly.  I'm not going to who the message is from, but I will print it, exactly as it appeared in my inbox:

"Hi Adam

I read your message on the wall regarding disfellowship people being class like demons. I read the article in question and feel that wasnt the message the society was trying to get across. The Elder was trying to comfort the mother. Explaning to her that Jehovah understands what she was going thru. Jehovah had sons that rebeled and so Jehovah had to protect the rest of his angel sons and human race and though it pained him him he get off association with his disobedient sons. So Jehovah understands our pain.

And no im not a Jehovah's Witness im disfellowship also. I knew what I was doing at the time. We are like children to Jehovah, and like all children if we do wrong and we dont listen to our parents then we are disciplene for our own good to bring us back to our senses. I dont mean to be rude or cause offence to you. Sorry for my bad spelling."

Honestly, I was dumbfounded.  Completely at a loss for words.  At a moment's notice, this was the only thing I could type back:

"Wow. I don't even know how to respond. Good luck. I'll just leave it at that." 

Now that I've had some time to think about a better response, let me just say.......

"Oh, no!"

"Stop drinking the Kool Aid, sister."  I can understand this if, say you've been disfellowshipped for a relatively short period of time, and your residual "Witness guilt" is getting the better of you.  Otherwise, let me fill you in on something.  It's complete nonsense.  Here's why.

In a nutshell, Witnesses disfellowship for two reasons, 1) to "protect the flock", and 2) as a way to encourage the "wrongdoer" to come back to the congregation.  From what has been reported by those trying to return to  the congregation in recent months, people have been told that they cannot look others in the eye, that they must sit apart from the congregation, and that they weren't allowed to stay for the final prayer.

Imagine being told that you're an alcoholic, and that the only way you're going to get better is by going to a 12 step program.  You show up at your first AA meeting and your told that you're not allowed to participate with the rest of the group.  You also have to look down at the ground, so as to not look anyone in the eye.  Then, the group moderator takes your folding chair and moves it into the room next door, and tells you that you have to get up and leave before the serenity prayer is said.  How much do you think that you'll get out of the program?  Do you think you will be on your way to sobriety just as quickly as the rest of the members of the group?  Of course not.

Do you honestly think that, as a disfellowshipped person, Jehovah's Witnesses give a shit about you?  If they really wanted to "encourage" you to come back, wouldn't your family and friends have an active role in doing so?  Why are you defending them?  They hate you!  They hate all of us.  How could you think any differently?  How can you still buy that bullshit that you've been spoon fed all of this time?

Moving on.  Another comment, about the same post.  This one received on the site itself.  This was left by an "Anonymous" reader last week.  Again, I am printing this, as is, unedited, word for word.

they go into the understanding of yehweh Yahweh - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia 329] states: “Jehovah (Yahweh), in the Hebrew you have to undershand they Je or Jeh or Jah means Lord or God Hovah Hoba and Hova means, like 20 words like, Wickedness, Naughty, and more words along these lines so really who is Jehovah, who is Lord or God of Wickedness..................... Yahweh Translates into Jehovah im sorry but it does................. now this is important THE!! hear me THE Shocking Implications of 'Jehovah' We now see how the first part of the Sacred Name "Yah" was changed to "Jeh" as the "J" developed and the "a" was replaced with "e" to hide the name. The suffix "hovah" is No. 1943 in Strong's Hebrew Dictionary and has the meaning of "ruin: mischief." It is another form of No. 1942, havvah, which is translated "calamity, iniquity, mischief, mischievous (thing), naughtiness, naughty, noisome, perverse thing, substance, very wickedness." Ok so who r they worshipping oh dear the god of wickedness also they preach from the new world order.. Sorry I mean translation same bible that once had 73 books but Constantine etc reduced to 66 books I'm strongly considering reading the Quran as 114 books are easily recited by children ad young as 8 in entire villages to prevent corruption and it tells u to believe in torah n Christ but be mindful of corruption Jesus spoke armaic n the word Allah is a translation of the word god their main sin is shirk associating others with the worship meant for the one and only creator

If someone has a Gary Busey to English translation dictionary, and could loan me their copy?  I would love to try to understand just what in the hell this person was trying to say.

This wasn't too surprising, really.  The comment came in the morning after the Memorial.  As many of my ex-JW readers can attest, the Memorial season "brings out the crazies".  I remember as a kid, every year there was always that one brother in the congregation that you wouldn't see all year would be rocking back and forth and talking to himself.  Or, there would be the homeless looking guy that would partake every year, and you'd never see him again.  Or, there would be that family with the three daughters that were in their thirties that still lived at home, and made their own dresses and looked like fundamental Mormons that haven't bathed in 6 months.  Only the old timers in the congregation knew their names, and you would only see them on Memorial night.  They were the Boo Radleys of the Kingdom Hall.

Then you have the troublemakers.

I had another person, this time a Jehovah's Witness, track me down on Facebook and send the following message in response to my post about a local elder I knew, getting arrested on molestation charges.

"Are u saying this to stumble others?U will not succeed.Why did the pope travel to UK?Tell me the reasons.Do you know what has been happening to ur so called pastors,priests,popes and other people who claim to be worshiping the true God?"

I replied, stating that my intent wasn't to "stumble"(a term Witnesses like to use, meaning to shove them off the right path) anyone at all, but rather to share a story.  That story happened to be that an elder that I used to know liked blowing 14 year old boys and got caught.  This individual is from Ghana.  I'm not being racist, by any means, but just making an observation.

As a Jehovah's Witness, it is against the religion to read material from an "apostate", or someone that has left the organization and is writing things contrary to the religion's teachings.  It is also against the religion to speak to, or write to, such an individual.  Doing so can get yourself, as a Jehovah's Witness, kicked out of the church.  I have noticed, in recent months, among my blog and other ex-JW pages on the web, there is a lot of activity by Jehovah's Witnesses from Africa, particularly Ghana and Kenya.  I get at least a dozen page views a day between the two countries, and I imagine they're not reading about the 'Hangover 2' trailer.  I have seen so called "brothers", openly taunting former members of the church on other websites.  It's almost as if the "don't talk to the disfellowshipped" rule doesn't apply to that continent.  Here's this "brother's" response to mine.

"I can only compare u to those in the past.Eg. Like Hitler,didnt he say he will wipe out all witnesses,where is he now and how many witnesses are now in Germany.Dont believe in God and do whatever u like in life and u will see ur end.Even those u had depended on them believe in God.Dont think i will argue with Satan.Mind u i wont read ur reply."

What a nice guy, comparing me to Hitler and all.  I write a blog.  Hitler killed 6 million Jews.  Same thing, I guess.  Same level of evil.  Of course, he did the standard Witness retort in any debate:  "Hit you opponent like a girl.  Get the last word.  Then, run like hell with your fingers in your ears yelling, "I can't hear you."

Finally, is the pièce de résistance.  This one takes the meter way past logical thinking....past conspiracy theories...and enters the territory of sheer lunacy.  It's so mad, I'm not even going to share any details as to who it's from, their website, or any of the text I received.  You're going to have to Google it.


I received a comment a couple of months ago from someone.  It seemed simple enough.  It was along the lines of, "Great post.  I can relate.  Oh yeah, by the way.  I have an ex-JW blog too.  Check it out".  And, there was a link posted for me to follow.  What I read was so "out there", that it made the conspiracy theories of Bigfoot being the second shooter behind the grassy knoll that killed JFK seem plausible.


OK, some back story.  The Jehovah's Witnesses despise the United Nations.  In fact, they think the bible book of Revelation prophesies that the U.N. will be instrumental in bringing about the events that lead to Armageddon.  They, supposedly, want nothing to do with it.


A few years ago, some documents surfaced that suggested that they were an Associate Member of the United Nations Department of Public Information.  From February 1992, until October 2001, they held an NGO (Non Governmental Organization) status with the United Nations, until the day when The Guardian newspaper published a story about their U.N. involvement.


The blog I was linked to states that the reason that the Witnesses were involved with the U.N. was because of.....extraterrestrials.  That's right, aliens.  Keep in mind, when it comes to the bible, the Witnesses are literalists.  They do not believe in evolution, and they DO NOT believe in life on other planets.  However, this blog claims to "prove" that we have been "visited" before, and that, not only are the world's governments aware of it, but they are making plans in the event of an alien invasion.


His reasoning is this:  If life is proven outside our planet...if an alien spacecraft lands in the National Mall in Washington D.C. tomorrow afternoon, people aren't going to be calling their Senator.  They're going to freak out, and head straight for their local church.  Supposedly, the higher ups at the JWs joined the U.N., along with all of the other religions of the world, to develop a contingency plan on how to handle their followers, when and if that day ever occurs.


Puts a whole new meaning to, "The "truth" is out there", doesn't it?

Como Se Dice "Memorial"?

Growing up as a Jehovah's Witness, I didn't celebrate SHIT!  No Christmas.  No trick or treating.  Hell, I wasn't even allowed to cash in on a free Grand Slam at Denny's on my birthday.  My childhood sucked.  I tried to explain to everyone that, "You don't need to have a holiday to get toys or presents.  We get presents all the time."  That was an utter lie.

The one "holiday" that we did celebrate as Witnesses "The Memorial of Christ's Death" or "The Memorial", as we all called it.  Imagine the strange looks you get telling that to your classmates when you're in the first grade.  The Memorial is a reenactment of sorts, of the Last Supper.  It coincides, supposedly, with the date on the Jewish calendar of Nisan 14, the day way back in the year 33, that Jesus and all of his drinking buddies hung out for one last hurrah.

The bible quotes him as saying, "Keep doing this in remembrance of me", so, once a year, and only once a year, all of the Witnesses in the world come out from under their rocks and do so.  There are only 7 million JWs in the world.  Last year, they had over 18 million people show up for this thing.  They sing a couple of songs, read some passages from the Gospels detailing what happened that night, then they pass the bread and the wine that symbolize Christ's body and blood.  Unlike the Catholics though, they don't eat it.  They just pass the plate around.  You only partake if you believe that you're one of the 144,000 "chosen ones" or super special unicorn Jehovah's Witnesses that are going to heaven.

I tried to explain all of this to my wife earlier this afternoon.  The Nisan 14 thing, how it's related to the Israelites in Egypt, the bread and the wine, how it has to happen after sundown, the 144,000 bit, etc.  At the end, she was looking at me the way the dog does when they hear your voice on the answering machine.

Here's the point I was wanting to make.....  Chris Parks made an awesome rendition of da Vinci's 'The Last Supper', reimagining Christ and friends as Luchadors.  Living in Arizona, I think it's fitting to think of Jesus and his apostles as high flying, acrobatic Mexican wrestlers partaking in tacos and cerveza.

And, if this mural couldn't get any cooler, after it was completed, he split it up into 12 skateboards.

Isn't blasphemy awesome?

So, for all of you ex JWs out there, the next time Nisan 14 rolls around, and you think about what all of your old acquaintances and family members are going to be doing, grab yourself a taco and a Corona.  I think I just found us a new Springtime tradition.  I know what I'll be doing next year. 

What To Expect Over The Next Week Or Two

Other than an update from my hospital room, I didn't have a single post on this blog in 16 days.  It's amazing how much can happen in 16 days.

I watched tens of thousands get washed out to sea from my bed.  I nervously  flipped back and forth between MSNBC and CNN in my hospital room as temperatures rose in reactor after reactor at the Fukushima Daiichi power plant.  It was frustrating enough that I felt helpless laying in a bed 10,000 miles away.  It was even worse that I couldn't write about the situation.

I have some catching up to do.  Over the last two weeks, I have accumulated a number of rare and exclusive videos on the earthquake and tsunami that I feel that I have to share.  You cannot understand the magnitude of what happened there until you see some of this video.

There are also some other news stories that have occurred in the last couple of weeks that I want to put my two cents in on.  You may care.  You may not.

In the last week, I have also seen a number of things regarding some recent Watchtower articles that I cannot stay silent on.  Expect a slew of ex-JW posts all of a sudden.  Maybe it's all of those blood transfusions I had in the hospital.  LOL.  Kidding.

So, over the next few days, some of this stuff may be old news to some of you.  Some of it may be eye opening.  Hopefully, regardless if you've heard the subject matter before, you'll see it from a new perspective. That's my goal at least.

Top 10 Differences Between Mormons And Jehovah's Witnesses

This list comes courtesy of Letters From the Governing Body of Jehovah's Witnesses, a blog about JWs that I follow.  Sorry folks, but this post is primarily for my ex-JW readers.  If you weren't in the religion at one point, you won't get most of the jokes.  It's an "inside joke/you had to be there" sort of thing. So:

Top 10 Differences Between Mormons And Jehovah's Witnesses 

 10. Mormons abstain from coffee. Witnesses take frequent coffee breaks.

 9. Brigham Young said to be “filled with the Spirit.” Judge Rutherford said to be “filled with      spirits.”

8. Mormon Tabernacle Choir ---- Pre-recorded Kingdom songs 

7. Joseph Smith discovered gold plates. Charles Russell discovered printing plates.

6. Mormons established BYU, a world-class university. Witnesses established Theocratic Ministry School.

5. Mormons urged to form close-knit family. Witnesses urged to shun family.

4. Mormons abstain from wine all year. Witnesses abstain from wine once a year.

3. Mormons have “Divine Revelation.” Witnesses have “New Light.” (Okay so that’s not actually a difference)

2. Prominent Mormons include doctors, lawyers and governors. Prominent Witnesses include janitors, pool cleaners and multi-level marketers. 

1. Mormons don’t stand in front of deserted strip malls at 6:00 AM mutely displaying the Book of Mormon and try to convince you they’re “preaching.”

I feel like David Letterman all of a sudden.

Does Jay-Z Have A Jehovah's Witness Connection?

*Please note:  None of the following conclusions have been substantiated.  They are theories based upon information known about a particular individual.

There have been a number of things that I have noticed about Jay-Z in the last couple of years that has led me to wonder, "At one point or another, he had to have been a Jehovah's Witness."  He had to have been raised in the organization, had an aunt that took him door to door on Saturday mornings, or something. Whatever the case, I have come across too many things about the world's most famous rapper that could simply be considered a coincidence.

First, his moniker...Hova.  If he wanted to announce himself as "the God of the rap game", why would he use a name that practically no one was familiar with.  Unless, it was a name that HE was familiar with.

Jay-Z was part of the original Murder Inc., which included Ja Rule and DMX, both of which were widely known being raised as Jehovah's Witnesses.

In Jay's 2006 album, Reasonable Doubt, his lyrics take an interesting turn on the track 'D'evils'.  Check out these lines:

"Dear God, I wonder can you save me?                                                                                           

Secret society, tryin' to keep they eye on me....

Stop screamin' you know the demon said it's best to die  

And even if Jehovah Witness, bet he'll never testify.." 

Now in JW terms, "society" is what they often call the headquarters of Jehovah's Witnesses in Brooklyn, NY.  It could just be a coincidence, or he could be speaking in Witness terms here.  I don't know.  It would be interesting for someone to ask him and actually get his take on this track sometime.

Later in 2006, Jay-Z made a cameo appearance in Johnny Cash's posthumous video for 'God's Gonna Cut You Down'.  In the video, Jay is briefly seen sitting in the back of a limousine reading a Bible.  The camera pans onto the pages of the Bible for only a second or so.  I can tell you from my years of going door to door with the very same Bible that it is a leather bound New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures aka a Jehovah's Witness Bible.  You can't buy one in a store.  The only way to get one is to get order one directly from a Kingdom Hall.  You can see the shot for yourself at the 33 second mark.

Johnny Cash God's Gonna Cut You Down. Watch more top selected videos about: God'sgonna cut yuo down, Johnny Cash

Lastly, Hova has been investing millions of dollars in the same neighborhood that the Witnesses used to control their worldwide preaching empire from.  In fact, he has recently been looking at the penthouse of what used to be a massive printing facility at 1 Main Street in Brooklyn.  The building was sold years ago, and renovated into condominiums.  The penthouse, which used to be the clock tower, is currently selling for $25 million.  Residents call it the "Doomsday Clock", because the previous tenants were always preaching about the end of the world.

My wife asked me today, "If you were raised a Witness, and you left the religion, why on Earth would you pay $25 million to live in a place that used to be part of the headquarters of a religion you hate?"  Well, if I had the money, it would be one big "Fuck you".  It would be a huge symbolic statement to say that they have no control over my life anymore.

Maybe this is all coincidence.  Maybe it isn't  Maybe he was raised as a JW.  Maybe he wasn't.  He's never said on the record either way.  No one has ever asked.  I know one thing.  If he was, he isn't now, and that is why I love him.

Update 1/28/2011:  I received a comment last night from "Anonymous", stating that the person in the Johnny Cash video holding the Witness Bible was not Jay-Z, but was, in fact, actor Terrance Howard.  After doing some online research on the video, it seems that they are correct.  Jay-Z appears much later in the video.  Even though I know now that it's Mr. Howard in that part of the clip, it still looks like Jay to me.  Terrance usually has his hair cut much shorter than that.

"Anonymous" also pointed me to an NPR article that was done on Terrance back in May of 2007.  I remember reading it when it came out.  It talks about his desire to become a Jehovah's Witness, if only he could quit smoking.  It says in part:

 "I came across [Jehovah's Witnesses] and, like most people, I was told that when we heard the Witnesses or saw them walking up the street, you would immediately shut the curtains and act like nobody was home, and I always wondered about that."

Howard later embarked on his own exploration of the faith. As a young adult, he began to embrace the principles of the religion.

Now, 17 years later and with a Hollywood career that continues to ascend, he's very open about one ongoing personal conflict: his faith.

"I'm like most people in the world. I'm a little selfish in what I want. I like doing my thing, my way," the actor says. "In my heart, I wanted to be a Witness. If it wasn't for the smoking of cigarrettes and all ... I would be a Witness."

The actor has yet to trade his spiritual aspirations for his professional ones. But he plans to pursue his desire to become an active Jehovah's Witness.

"Sometimes it takes awhile to be able to qualify. You have to qualify to run in the race. I'm exercising," he says.

So while most celebrities have fled the religion in their youth, I guess it can still be an attraction to some in adulthood.  Thank you to "Anonymous" for pointing out my error, whoever you are.  It was a simple case of mistaken identity.  I hope you understand.