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Showing posts with label The Daily Twitch. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Daily Twitch. Show all posts

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Bl4ck D4ys Ind33d...

This website started as 'The Daily Twitch', on September 11, 2009.  My first post was about the Star Spangled Banner.  I've improved greatly as a writer since then.  Some of the early articles were downright cringe worthy.

In July/August of 2011, I decided to purchase my own custom domain name.  The Daily Twitch was already taken.  So, after a couple of days debating various names, The Twitch Online was born.

As the following months eventually became years, "Twitch" was no longer an appropriate identifier for the website.  This blog started as a way to document my recent Tourette's diagnosis.  Since then, the focus of the blog has changed, as has my life.  My Tourette's Syndrome is the LEAST of my concerns. 

It's a daily struggle (with myself, mind you) to be a good father and husband.  Since starting this site, and in addition to the Tourette's and PTSD, I have been diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes, a Chiari Malformation, a massive, inoperable but benign cyst in my brain, Fibromyalgia, and Sjogren's Syndrome.  The day after tomorrow, I find out if I have Multiple Sclerosis or not.  And, that's in addition to three spinal surgeries that I had in 2011.  I'm as much "Twitch" anymore as I am the Sultan of Burnei.

Change is inevitable. 

A few weeks back, I started taking steps to change the site name to "Fell On Black Days".  The first changes came to the Facebook page and some of the cosmetics on the site.  Point of advice:  Always...ALWAYS...do your research before you follow through on any plans you have. 

I changed the page name in a number of different areas...without checking first if it was available.  "Fell On Black Days" is the title of a popular song by Soundgarden.  That being said, it was not available in any form or variation...anywhere.  I didn't choose the name based upon the song title.  I thought it was a fun play on words.  "Black Days"...Nicholai Black.  You know?  It also described how I "fell into" this current mess of medical issues.  I thought it would make a nice name for an autobiographical blog.

Eventually, I figured out that I had to pull a license plate trick on the page's name.  Substitute the A's for 4's.  Bl4ck D4ys was born.

Another item I should have researched was how Google would react to the name change.  After the fact, I found out that, when going from a "blogname.blogspot.com" address to a custom URL, Google will automatically redirect any search results that point to your site.  However, when you go from a custom domain to a "blogname.blogspot.com" address, or from "oneblog.blogspot.com" to "anotherblog.blogspot.com", Google actually prevents any redirect from happening.  This is a security measure that is in place, to prevent spam websites from bouncing around from URL to URL.

Up until a couple of days ago, there were a number of search terms that Google had my page listed as their top result.  Most of them were in regards to stories I had written about Jehovah's Witnesses.  If you searched "Jay Z Jehovah's Witness", "Jehovah's Witnesses Bisexual", or even "Tattoo Guy Lady Gaga", The Twitch Online would come up first.   Google brought me a lot of traffic.  I had no idea how much until this week.

    
See if you can guess when I changed my page name..


Usually, I could count on 20-30 pageviews per hour, or 250+ per day.  95% or more came from Google searches.  There hasn't been a single view on the page for three days.  That hasn't happened since the week the blog was started four years ago.  Four years of building search algorithms...down the drain.

I'm starting over.  I have no choice.  Yes, it's heartbreaking and extremely depressing.  I've cried a number of times this week.  But, what else can I do?  I've worked to hard on this to give up.  I can't walk away from 1200 posts.  What would you do?

For those of you that have been with me since the beginning, thank you.  There are a number of you that I have come to know quite well over the years.  I appreciate your support.

Buckle up.  Please keep all hands and feet in the car at all times.  Enjoy the ride.....

Thursday, September 29, 2011

50,000 Views!!

Two years and 18 days after it's inception, "The Twitch" has reached it's 50,000th hit.

At 6:38PM Pacific time, a reader from Pennsylvania clicked on a Google link, which brought them to the page.  Of all posts for them to come to, it had to be the one on "Zombie Boy" Rick Genest.  I will never live that article down.  It was the 9,128th click on that post.  LOL.  Makes me want to do another story on him sometimes.

Thank you all for your support and continued readership, through the decent posts....and the really shitty ones. (Who are we kidding here?  We both know they exist.)

As I ween myself off of these pain meds, I sincerely hope my writing ability comes back to what it once was.  :)

Here's to another 50,000.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Quick Medical Update aka I'm Having Surgery Tomorrow

So, I don't remember what I talked about on my last medical update, and it's 11PM, and I'm in no mood to read through past blog posts right now.

Here's what's going on......

Turns out that the disc that is between my L4 and L5 is herniated.  I knew that.  What I didn't know what that it was cutting off my spinal cord.  The disc above that one is almost just as bad.  Fortunately, it's still a couple of millimeters away from the cord at this point.  This explains the loss of bowel control and the inability to walk over the last three months.  In fact, for the last three days, I have had problems walking.  I have been stumbling and collapsing worse than any other time since this ordeal started.

Long story short,  I'm having spinal surgery tomorrow.  I have an excellent surgeon.  When Jennifer Grey injured her back on 'Dancing With the Stars', she flew to Scottsdale, AZ, after filming to see my doctor.  He is the official surgeon for the Phoenix Suns, the Phoenix Coyotes, and a number of other NBA teams.  I am in good hands.

I have, for obvious reasons, been feeling despondent in recent weeks.  I have a long, and motionless, recovery ahead of me.  For the next three to four weeks, per doctor's orders, I am to lie on my back in bed.  No walking.  No driving.

Maybe I'll start writing again.  I don't know.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

"Sell Crazy Someplace Else. We're All Stocked Up Here."

I blog about a number of different things that catch my attention.  This page started off with the intent on discussing my day to day life with Tourette's and PTSD, but that became very depressing.  I found that I had to change it up very quickly.  So, I started to write on what I was passionate about.  Some days it's music.  Other times, I'll post about politics or gay rights.  Sometimes, I'll go for a week without posting anything but a movie trailer (sorry about those weeks).  The posts on this blog that seem to get the most attention, and many times the most comments, are the ones about Jehovah's Witnesses, and my experiences from within the organization.

I tend to have quite a few readers that are former JWs, and that find my site from Google searches, looking for information regarding the religion.  I have contemplated many times about making the blog an "ex-JW only" themed page, but have decided against it, because I would probably end up starting another blog just to write about everything else, anyway.

Because some of what I write about has to do with the gay community, I have chosen to moderate the comments at this time, so I can make sure nothing hateful or homophobic appears on the site.  So, every comment pops up in my email first, and gives me the option to either publish it, or delete it.  With that being said, one of the drawbacks of posting something Jehovah's Witness related, is having to subsequently deal with the comments.  I would say that about 95% of the comments I receive are positive in nature.  In some of them, the reader relates a story or an experience they had back in the day as a JW.  The other 5% however, is a mixed bag.  

About two months ago, I published a post entitled, "02/15/2011 Watchtower: Disfellowshipped/Disassociated Ones Are 'Demons'".  Many of you read it.  Quite a few of you commented on it on various Facebook pages.  Overall, readers seemed to have the same reaction to the Watchtower article as I did:  The organization had gone too far to show the requirement for Jehovah's Witnesses to shun their disfellowshipped family members.

Apparently, there are some that disagree with me.  I received a Facebook message on March 23rd.  Keep in mind, I do not publish my Facebook address.  I don't have any links to my Facebook account from my blog.  Someone TRACKED MY ASS DOWN in order to write me directly.  I'm not going to who the message is from, but I will print it, exactly as it appeared in my inbox:
"Hi Adam
I read your message on the wall regarding disfellowship people being class like demons. I read the article in question and feel that wasnt the message the society was trying to get across. The Elder was trying to comfort the mother. Explaning to her that Jehovah understands what she was going thru. Jehovah had sons that rebeled and so Jehovah had to protect the rest of his angel sons and human race and though it pained him him he get off association with his disobedient sons. So Jehovah understands our pain.
And no im not a Jehovah's Witness im disfellowship also. I knew what I was doing at the time. We are like children to Jehovah, and like all children if we do wrong and we dont listen to our parents then we are disciplene for our own good to bring us back to our senses. I dont mean to be rude or cause offence to you. Sorry for my bad spelling."
Honestly, I was dumbfounded.  Completely at a loss for words.  At a moment's notice, this was the only thing I could type back:
"Wow. I don't even know how to respond. Good luck. I'll just leave it at that." 
Now that I've had some time to think about a better response, let me just say.......

"Oh, no!"

"Stop drinking the Kool Aid, sister."  I can understand this if, say you've been disfellowshipped for a relatively short period of time, and your residual "Witness guilt" is getting the better of you.  Otherwise, let me fill you in on something.  It's complete nonsense.  Here's why.

In a nutshell, Witnesses disfellowship for two reasons, 1) to "protect the flock", and 2) as a way to encourage the "wrongdoer" to come back to the congregation.  From what has been reported by those trying to return to  the congregation in recent months, people have been told that they cannot look others in the eye, that they must sit apart from the congregation, and that they weren't allowed to stay for the final prayer.

Imagine being told that you're an alcoholic, and that the only way you're going to get better is by going to a 12 step program.  You show up at your first AA meeting and your told that you're not allowed to participate with the rest of the group.  You also have to look down at the ground, so as to not look anyone in the eye.  Then, the group moderator takes your folding chair and moves it into the room next door, and tells you that you have to get up and leave before the serenity prayer is said.  How much do you think that you'll get out of the program?  Do you think you will be on your way to sobriety just as quickly as the rest of the members of the group?  Of course not.

Do you honestly think that, as a disfellowshipped person, Jehovah's Witnesses give a shit about you?  If they really wanted to "encourage" you to come back, wouldn't your family and friends have an active role in doing so?  Why are you defending them?  They hate you!  They hate all of us.  How could you think any differently?  How can you still buy that bullshit that you've been spoon fed all of this time?

Moving on.  Another comment, about the same post.  This one received on the site itself.  This was left by an "Anonymous" reader last week.  Again, I am printing this, as is, unedited, word for word.
they go into the understanding of yehweh Yahweh - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia 329] states: “Jehovah (Yahweh), in the Hebrew you have to undershand they Je or Jeh or Jah means Lord or God Hovah Hoba and Hova means, like 20 words like, Wickedness, Naughty, and more words along these lines so really who is Jehovah, who is Lord or God of Wickedness..................... Yahweh Translates into Jehovah im sorry but it does................. now this is important THE!! hear me THE Shocking Implications of 'Jehovah' We now see how the first part of the Sacred Name "Yah" was changed to "Jeh" as the "J" developed and the "a" was replaced with "e" to hide the name. The suffix "hovah" is No. 1943 in Strong's Hebrew Dictionary and has the meaning of "ruin: mischief." It is another form of No. 1942, havvah, which is translated "calamity, iniquity, mischief, mischievous (thing), naughtiness, naughty, noisome, perverse thing, substance, very wickedness." Ok so who r they worshipping oh dear the god of wickedness also they preach from the new world order.. Sorry I mean translation same bible that once had 73 books but Constantine etc reduced to 66 books I'm strongly considering reading the Quran as 114 books are easily recited by children ad young as 8 in entire villages to prevent corruption and it tells u to believe in torah n Christ but be mindful of corruption Jesus spoke armaic n the word Allah is a translation of the word god their main sin is shirk associating others with the worship meant for the one and only creator
If someone has a Gary Busey to English translation dictionary, and could loan me their copy?  I would love to try to understand just what in the hell this person was trying to say.

This wasn't too surprising, really.  The comment came in the morning after the Memorial.  As many of my ex-JW readers can attest, the Memorial season "brings out the crazies".  I remember as a kid, every year there was always that one brother in the congregation that you wouldn't see all year would be rocking back and forth and talking to himself.  Or, there would be the homeless looking guy that would partake every year, and you'd never see him again.  Or, there would be that family with the three daughters that were in their thirties that still lived at home, and made their own dresses and looked like fundamental Mormons that haven't bathed in 6 months.  Only the old timers in the congregation knew their names, and you would only see them on Memorial night.  They were the Boo Radleys of the Kingdom Hall.

Then you have the troublemakers.

I had another person, this time a Jehovah's Witness, track me down on Facebook and send the following message in response to my post about a local elder I knew, getting arrested on molestation charges.
"Are u saying this to stumble others?U will not succeed.Why did the pope travel to UK?Tell me the reasons.Do you know what has been happening to ur so called pastors,priests,popes and other people who claim to be worshiping the true God?"
I replied, stating that my intent wasn't to "stumble"(a term Witnesses like to use, meaning to shove them off the right path) anyone at all, but rather to share a story.  That story happened to be that an elder that I used to know liked blowing 14 year old boys and got caught.  This individual is from Ghana.  I'm not being racist, by any means, but just making an observation.

As a Jehovah's Witness, it is against the religion to read material from an "apostate", or someone that has left the organization and is writing things contrary to the religion's teachings.  It is also against the religion to speak to, or write to, such an individual.  Doing so can get yourself, as a Jehovah's Witness, kicked out of the church.  I have noticed, in recent months, among my blog and other ex-JW pages on the web, there is a lot of activity by Jehovah's Witnesses from Africa, particularly Ghana and Kenya.  I get at least a dozen page views a day between the two countries, and I imagine they're not reading about the 'Hangover 2' trailer.  I have seen so called "brothers", openly taunting former members of the church on other websites.  It's almost as if the "don't talk to the disfellowshipped" rule doesn't apply to that continent.  Here's this "brother's" response to mine.
"I can only compare u to those in the past.Eg. Like Hitler,didnt he say he will wipe out all witnesses,where is he now and how many witnesses are now in Germany.Dont believe in God and do whatever u like in life and u will see ur end.Even those u had depended on them believe in God.Dont think i will argue with Satan.Mind u i wont read ur reply."
What a nice guy, comparing me to Hitler and all.  I write a blog.  Hitler killed 6 million Jews.  Same thing, I guess.  Same level of evil.  Of course, he did the standard Witness retort in any debate:  "Hit you opponent like a girl.  Get the last word.  Then, run like hell with your fingers in your ears yelling, "I can't hear you."

Finally, is the pièce de résistance.  This one takes the meter way past logical thinking....past conspiracy theories...and enters the territory of sheer lunacy.  It's so mad, I'm not even going to share any details as to who it's from, their website, or any of the text I received.  You're going to have to Google it.


I received a comment a couple of months ago from someone.  It seemed simple enough.  It was along the lines of, "Great post.  I can relate.  Oh yeah, by the way.  I have an ex-JW blog too.  Check it out".  And, there was a link posted for me to follow.  What I read was so "out there", that it made the conspiracy theories of Bigfoot being the second shooter behind the grassy knoll that killed JFK seem plausible.


OK, some back story.  The Jehovah's Witnesses despise the United Nations.  In fact, they think the bible book of Revelation prophesies that the U.N. will be instrumental in bringing about the events that lead to Armageddon.  They, supposedly, want nothing to do with it.


A few years ago, some documents surfaced that suggested that they were an Associate Member of the United Nations Department of Public Information.  From February 1992, until October 2001, they held an NGO (Non Governmental Organization) status with the United Nations, until the day when The Guardian newspaper published a story about their U.N. involvement.


The blog I was linked to states that the reason that the Witnesses were involved with the U.N. was because of.....extraterrestrials.  That's right, aliens.  Keep in mind, when it comes to the bible, the Witnesses are literalists.  They do not believe in evolution, and they DO NOT believe in life on other planets.  However, this blog claims to "prove" that we have been "visited" before, and that, not only are the world's governments aware of it, but they are making plans in the event of an alien invasion.


His reasoning is this:  If life is proven outside our planet...if an alien spacecraft lands in the National Mall in Washington D.C. tomorrow afternoon, people aren't going to be calling their Senator.  They're going to freak out, and head straight for their local church.  Supposedly, the higher ups at the JWs joined the U.N., along with all of the other religions of the world, to develop a contingency plan on how to handle their followers, when and if that day ever occurs.


Puts a whole new meaning to, "The "truth" is out there", doesn't it?


Tuesday, March 22, 2011

My 500th Post: A Look Back

When I look back, 500 posts don't seem like that much.  Then again, looking at the length of some of these posts, I have more content on this page than many blogs with 10,000 entries.  I started this page on September 11, 2009, with an entry about how 9/11 changed my views on the National Anthem, based upon the way I was brought up as a Jehovah's Witness.

Reading that post, it's obvious that my writing abilities have improved in the last 18 months.  I have, without a doubt, taken up a more professional writing style.  It's almost as if I've become a professional blogger.  Now, if only I can start making money at this.  LOL.  This has, in a way, become my profession.  In the months since starting the site, I have realized that I will likely never work another "traditional" day of work again in my life.  This has, in fact, become my "job", and I'm starting to treat it as such.

There was a post that I wrote about two weeks in to the site, that I wanted to share again.  It brought back a lot of positive memories.  Memories that personally I need right now.  The post is from September 30, 2009.  It's called, "I Am A Rockstar Dad or How Bohemian Rhapsody Makes My Daughter Vomit":
"The last few days, every time our daughter says "Mama", my wife and I both say, "Oh oh oh oh". We're hoping to have her know all the words to 'Bohemian Rhapsody' by the time she is two. We're sick like that.
Anyway, my wife was indisposed, and the baby had a poopy diaper. It was my turn to change the nasty diaper, so I picked up the baby and laid her down on her changing table to be changed. As I am changing her, I start singing 'Bohemian Rhapsody'. I'm doing the voices and everything. She's loving it.
I get to the "Galileo" part, and I'm zooming in and out in front of her face. She's cracking up. Her eyes are bigger than I have ever seen them. Her mouth is open wide and going back and forth between a smile and a big "O" shape.
By the time I'm singing "Let him go!", I've forgotten about putting the new diaper back on. She's hysterical. She has the hiccups and is clapping. I feel like I'm opening up for Robin Williams at the Improv.
Then comes the greatest line of one of the most legendary rock songs ever written: "Beelzebub has a devil put a side for me...for meeee.....FOR MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" Just as I hit the high note, my daughter's face goes from a look of pure joy to "I'm not so sure about this".
Suddenly, thick chunky dark green sludge launched about eight inches out of my daughter's mouth. It covers my arms, my hands, her stomach, shirt, face and hair. My first thought: "HOLY FUCK!". Second thought: "Jimi Hendrix, Jimi Hendrix". My daughter was still on her back and she was choking on her own vomit. I turned her over on her stomach, gave her a couple of good thwacks on the back until she started breathing OK, and stood her up.
I was as cool and as calm as could be, like I had done this a hundred times. Any other time, I would have been blowing chunks all over the bedroom, but I grabbed a handful of baby wipes, and started cleaning the little squirt down. This was the first time she had puked and was old enough to be aware of what was going on. I was cleaning her off. She looked at me, slowly looked down at herself, and yelled "Mama". And into the shower she went.
I was so proud of myself. I handled it like a pro. Almost more like a roadie than a dad. Let's put it this way...if I would have been on Janis Joplin's detail, she'd probably still be alive."
18 months later, she knows all of the words to the verses of 'Bohemian Rhapsody'.  She calls it "The Mama Oooh Song".  If that isn't cool enough, she does the hand claps during ' We Will Rock You', and we have our  own little gestures orchestrated for 'We Are the Champions'.  She doesn't know who the band Queen is.  But when you ask her, "Who sings 'Mama Oooh'?", she'll tell you that it's "Freddie" (She says, giggling, "He's got a funny mustache.").  I fucking love my little girl.  The video below is her favorite Youtube video to watch.  Well, that and that 'Whip My Hair' video.  LOL.



It makes me realize that I need to continue to talk about my daughter.  I focus so much on world events, politics, religion, gay rights, etc., that I sometimes forget the most important things in the world.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I'm Not Hiding Anymore

When I stopped communicating with my mother a few years ago, I practically went into hiding.  When it came to my personal beliefs, I had stopped considering myself a Jehovah's Witness by the latter part of 1996.

In August of that year, I took the last $600 I had in my bank account and purchased a one-way airline ticket from Phoenix, Arizona, to Las Vegas.  It was my intention to indulge myself in all of the vices that I was forbidden to do as a Witness in the previous 21 years of my life, and when my money had run out, commit suicide.  Within three hours of touching down at the airport, I had smoked, drank, and gambled for the first time in my life.  An hour later, I lost my virginity.

August 24, 1996  Room 1614 of the Las Vegas Hilton - Don't ask me how I remember the date and the room number of the hotel I lost my virginity in.  I guess when you're looking forward to an event for so many years, you tend to remember some of the details.
Sufficed to say, I didn't commit suicide.  The "wicked world" that I had suddenly found myself in wasn't so wicked after all.  I encountered one stranger after another that offered their generosity to me.  Four months later, I returned to live in my parents' home, but I never stepped foot into a Kingdom Hall again.

For the better part of the next ten years, I did the same thing I had done for the previous ten.  I led a double life.  Being out of the church gave me the freedom to live the life that I wanted, to some degree.  But, in order to keep an ongoing relationship with my immediate family, my personal life was an unspoken agreement of "Don't Ask Don't Tell".  I was never disfellowshipped from the congregation, and I did not submit a formal letter of disassociation.  I just stopped showing up.  As far as my mother's conscience was concerned, as long as she didn't know any details of my personal life, or of any of the "gross sins" I was committing, she wasn't obligated to cut off communication with me.

It's one thing to have to keep your private life a secret from the people that you work with.  It's another to have to keep it from the people that are closest to you.  What made it exceptionally hard for me was the fact that, for a number of years, my family were my coworkers.  I was forced to act like I was still a "good Christian boy" practically 24/7.  It finally became too much to handle.

I quit the family business, and speaking to my family, in January of 2006.  When that happened, as I said, I pretty much went "off the grid".  I changed all of my email addresses.  I changed my phone number.  I wanted to make sure that if I posted something online, it couldn't be traced back to me if my mom or my brother or sister was snooping around.  For those of you that are reading this that are ex-JWs, I'm sure you can understand where I'm coming from.  Especially if you were raised in the organization, and grew up in the same  area for a number of years, it seems like you're constantly looking over your shoulder for the first couple of years that you're out.  Many times, you don't even realize that you're doing it.  I've been out now for 15 years.  I don't even think I would be recognizable to the people I grew up around, and I still catch myself scanning restaurants on the West side of Phoenix when I walk in.

When I had my little girl in 2008, I reached out to my mom.  I wanted to give her a chance.  We started communicating by email.  Then by phone.  She even came out to Phoenix to see my daughter when she was around 8 or 9 months old.  Then her "conscience" kicked in.  Keep in mind, nothing had changed between the time that we had stopped talking in '06 and when she came out in early '09.  She started saying that she wasn't sure that she could trust me because of "what I've done".  She also started to refer to me as an "apostate".  She admitted that she had no knowledge of any derogatory things I was saying of the organization, and I told her that I had not spoken negatively about JWs or their doctrines.  She said she believed me, but due to the fact that I was baptized as a Witness, and no longer believed in the church's teachings, that made me an "apostate".

She had a solution to her dilemma.  She said that she no longer felt comfortable talking or associating with me, but she wanted to continue communication with my wife and my daughter.  In fact, she asked if it was possible for me to send her some pictures of my little girl, she would appreciate it.  Um...yeah, no.  I tried to explain to her, and to this day she doesn't understand, that when it comes to my family, we don't come "a la carte".  You either have to take us all, or you get none of us.  You can't pick and choose how you can and can't keep.  That's not the way my family works.

So, we stopped talking.  I started this blog in September of 2009...anonymously.  I didn't reveal any names or locations.  I didn't give any specifics about myself or my family.  I went into hiding again.  This time, I hid behind my moniker.  For the next year and a half, I was Twitch.  It wasn't my name, it was one of my conditions.  My picture across the internet became a stuffed Domo, with all of my daily medications spilled out in front of it.  In fact, if you Google my name, you'll find my Domo before you find my actual picture.  My mother thought I was an apostate before?  Just imagine what she would have thought of The Daily Twitch.


In time, I found my confidence.  I found my voice.  I found the support of all of you out there on the net.  I realize now that I don't have to hide anymore.  Odds are, my mom has been reading my blog for months.  If not, she knows who I am by now anyway.  About six months ago, I sent her an email telling her about my PTSD diagnosis due to the child abuse I received from her and my dad.  I also came out as bisexual.  It felt like coming up for air after being underwater for years.  I have no secrets anymore.  I have no reason to hide. So here I am.


My name is Adam Hall.  I live in Mesa, Arizona, with my wonderful wife, Jessi, and my daughter Lennon.  It's nice to finally meet you all.  I still plan on writing under the name of Twitch.  The name of the blog is The Daily Twitch, after all.  I have made the decision, however, to not publish any photos of my daughter.  Not only do I want to protect her from my mother and that crazy religion, but I also know how desperate my mother is to see her.  I'm not blackmailing her by any means.  I just believe that you cannot conveniently select which family members are worthy of your affection.  It may be tough for her to swallow, but some lessons in life are.