I'm sure I've posted this before. Hands down, it's my favorite cover.
What's your opinion?
Showing posts with label crazy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crazy. Show all posts
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Monday, November 21, 2011
A Mashup Monday Double Feature
It has been a few weeks since I have had a Mashup Monday post. Honestly, it's probably the article that I look forward to writing the most each week. Unfortunately, depending on what is going on with my life, or around the world, Mashup Monday gets forgotten.
In scouring the web for a song to post today, I found two that were each so amazing, I couldn't decide between them. So, I'm sharing them both.
First up is a track that I first heard back in March. It's a mashup of Gnarls Barkley's 'Crazy', with Adele's 'Rolling in the Deep'. From Dark Ninja comes 'Crazy in the Deep':
Now, from two songs which have been beat to death, to a couple of tracks that never make their way through the mashup circles.
The next track is a mix of Don McLean's classic, 'American Pie', with 'Dog Days Are Over' by Florence and the Machine. Not only do these tunes sound amazing together, but Reborn Identity has created a particularly moving video to accompany the mashup. It's phenomenal.
In scouring the web for a song to post today, I found two that were each so amazing, I couldn't decide between them. So, I'm sharing them both.
First up is a track that I first heard back in March. It's a mashup of Gnarls Barkley's 'Crazy', with Adele's 'Rolling in the Deep'. From Dark Ninja comes 'Crazy in the Deep':
Now, from two songs which have been beat to death, to a couple of tracks that never make their way through the mashup circles.
The next track is a mix of Don McLean's classic, 'American Pie', with 'Dog Days Are Over' by Florence and the Machine. Not only do these tunes sound amazing together, but Reborn Identity has created a particularly moving video to accompany the mashup. It's phenomenal.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Quote Of The Day
“My ability to function effectively will not affect my ability to serve as commander in chief.”- Michele Bachmann, in response to the latest revelations of her "incapacitating migraines".
Wait. What?! That sentence doesn't even make sense. Well, if Dubya could serve as commander in chief for eight years and not function effectively even once, I guess it can be done.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
This Is How I Want To Go Out
It's called the "Euthanasia Coaster". According to it's designers, Designs Interactions Research, it is a "hypothetical euthanasia machine in the form of a roller coaster engineered to humanely – with elegance and euphoria – take the life of a human being." From their website:
"Riding the coaster’s track, the rider is subjected to a series of intensive motion elements that induce various unique experiences: from euphoria to thrill, and from tunnel vision to loss of consciousness, and, eventually, death. Thanks to the marriage of the advanced cross-disciplinary research in aeronautics/space medicine, mechanical engineering, material technologies and, of course, gravity, the fatal journey is made pleasing, elegant and meaningful."
According to the diagrams, which are hard to make out, the coaster has seven loops. It looks like it's only hill peaks at 500 meters (1640 ft), and drops 510 meters (1673 ft), at a top speed of 100 meters per second (or 223.69 mph), with a maximum G-force of 10Gs. The only name I could possibly think of naming it, would be the Highway to Hell.
To quote the 'Six Million Dollar Man', "We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first
I'm kidding of course.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
"Sell Crazy Someplace Else. We're All Stocked Up Here."
I blog about a number of different things that catch my attention. This page started off with the intent on discussing my day to day life with Tourette's and PTSD, but that became very depressing. I found that I had to change it up very quickly. So, I started to write on what I was passionate about. Some days it's music. Other times, I'll post about politics or gay rights. Sometimes, I'll go for a week without posting anything but a movie trailer (sorry about those weeks). The posts on this blog that seem to get the most attention, and many times the most comments, are the ones about Jehovah's Witnesses, and my experiences from within the organization.
I tend to have quite a few readers that are former JWs, and that find my site from Google searches, looking for information regarding the religion. I have contemplated many times about making the blog an "ex-JW only" themed page, but have decided against it, because I would probably end up starting another blog just to write about everything else, anyway.
Apparently, there are some that disagree with me. I received a Facebook message on March 23rd. Keep in mind, I do not publish my Facebook address. I don't have any links to my Facebook account from my blog. Someone TRACKED MY ASS DOWN in order to write me directly. I'm not going to who the message is from, but I will print it, exactly as it appeared in my inbox:
"Stop drinking the Kool Aid, sister." I can understand this if, say you've been disfellowshipped for a relatively short period of time, and your residual "Witness guilt" is getting the better of you. Otherwise, let me fill you in on something. It's complete nonsense. Here's why.
In a nutshell, Witnesses disfellowship for two reasons, 1) to "protect the flock", and 2) as a way to encourage the "wrongdoer" to come back to the congregation. From what has been reported by those trying to return to the congregation in recent months, people have been told that they cannot look others in the eye, that they must sit apart from the congregation, and that they weren't allowed to stay for the final prayer.
Imagine being told that you're an alcoholic, and that the only way you're going to get better is by going to a 12 step program. You show up at your first AA meeting and your told that you're not allowed to participate with the rest of the group. You also have to look down at the ground, so as to not look anyone in the eye. Then, the group moderator takes your folding chair and moves it into the room next door, and tells you that you have to get up and leave before the serenity prayer is said. How much do you think that you'll get out of the program? Do you think you will be on your way to sobriety just as quickly as the rest of the members of the group? Of course not.
Do you honestly think that, as a disfellowshipped person, Jehovah's Witnesses give a shit about you? If they really wanted to "encourage" you to come back, wouldn't your family and friends have an active role in doing so? Why are you defending them? They hate you! They hate all of us. How could you think any differently? How can you still buy that bullshit that you've been spoon fed all of this time?
Moving on. Another comment, about the same post. This one received on the site itself. This was left by an "Anonymous" reader last week. Again, I am printing this, as is, unedited, word for word.
This wasn't too surprising, really. The comment came in the morning after the Memorial. As many of my ex-JW readers can attest, the Memorial season "brings out the crazies". I remember as a kid, every year there was always that one brother in the congregation that you wouldn't see all year would be rocking back and forth and talking to himself. Or, there would be the homeless looking guy that would partake every year, and you'd never see him again. Or, there would be that family with the three daughters that were in their thirties that still lived at home, and made their own dresses and looked like fundamental Mormons that haven't bathed in 6 months. Only the old timers in the congregation knew their names, and you would only see them on Memorial night. They were the Boo Radleys of the Kingdom Hall.
Then you have the troublemakers.
I had another person, this time a Jehovah's Witness, track me down on Facebook and send the following message in response to my post about a local elder I knew, getting arrested on molestation charges.
As a Jehovah's Witness, it is against the religion to read material from an "apostate", or someone that has left the organization and is writing things contrary to the religion's teachings. It is also against the religion to speak to, or write to, such an individual. Doing so can get yourself, as a Jehovah's Witness, kicked out of the church. I have noticed, in recent months, among my blog and other ex-JW pages on the web, there is a lot of activity by Jehovah's Witnesses from Africa, particularly Ghana and Kenya. I get at least a dozen page views a day between the two countries, and I imagine they're not reading about the 'Hangover 2' trailer. I have seen so called "brothers", openly taunting former members of the church on other websites. It's almost as if the "don't talk to the disfellowshipped" rule doesn't apply to that continent. Here's this "brother's" response to mine.
Finally, is the pièce de résistance. This one takes the meter way past logical thinking....past conspiracy theories...and enters the territory of sheer lunacy. It's so mad, I'm not even going to share any details as to who it's from, their website, or any of the text I received. You're going to have to Google it.
I received a comment a couple of months ago from someone. It seemed simple enough. It was along the lines of, "Great post. I can relate. Oh yeah, by the way. I have an ex-JW blog too. Check it out". And, there was a link posted for me to follow. What I read was so "out there", that it made the conspiracy theories of Bigfoot being the second shooter behind the grassy knoll that killed JFK seem plausible.
OK, some back story. The Jehovah's Witnesses despise the United Nations. In fact, they think the bible book of Revelation prophesies that the U.N. will be instrumental in bringing about the events that lead to Armageddon. They, supposedly, want nothing to do with it.
A few years ago, some documents surfaced that suggested that they were an Associate Member of the United Nations Department of Public Information. From February 1992, until October 2001, they held an NGO (Non Governmental Organization) status with the United Nations, until the day when The Guardian newspaper published a story about their U.N. involvement.
The blog I was linked to states that the reason that the Witnesses were involved with the U.N. was because of.....extraterrestrials. That's right, aliens. Keep in mind, when it comes to the bible, the Witnesses are literalists. They do not believe in evolution, and they DO NOT believe in life on other planets. However, this blog claims to "prove" that we have been "visited" before, and that, not only are the world's governments aware of it, but they are making plans in the event of an alien invasion.
His reasoning is this: If life is proven outside our planet...if an alien spacecraft lands in the National Mall in Washington D.C. tomorrow afternoon, people aren't going to be calling their Senator. They're going to freak out, and head straight for their local church. Supposedly, the higher ups at the JWs joined the U.N., along with all of the other religions of the world, to develop a contingency plan on how to handle their followers, when and if that day ever occurs.
Puts a whole new meaning to, "The "truth" is out there", doesn't it?
I tend to have quite a few readers that are former JWs, and that find my site from Google searches, looking for information regarding the religion. I have contemplated many times about making the blog an "ex-JW only" themed page, but have decided against it, because I would probably end up starting another blog just to write about everything else, anyway.
Because some of what I write about has to do with the gay community, I have chosen to moderate the comments at this time, so I can make sure nothing hateful or homophobic appears on the site. So, every comment pops up in my email first, and gives me the option to either publish it, or delete it. With that being said, one of the drawbacks of posting something Jehovah's Witness related, is having to subsequently deal with the comments. I would say that about 95% of the comments I receive are positive in nature. In some of them, the reader relates a story or an experience they had back in the day as a JW. The other 5% however, is a mixed bag.
About two months ago, I published a post entitled, "02/15/2011 Watchtower: Disfellowshipped/Disassociated Ones Are 'Demons'". Many of you read it. Quite a few of you commented on it on various Facebook pages. Overall, readers seemed to have the same reaction to the Watchtower article as I did: The organization had gone too far to show the requirement for Jehovah's Witnesses to shun their disfellowshipped family members.
Apparently, there are some that disagree with me. I received a Facebook message on March 23rd. Keep in mind, I do not publish my Facebook address. I don't have any links to my Facebook account from my blog. Someone TRACKED MY ASS DOWN in order to write me directly. I'm not going to who the message is from, but I will print it, exactly as it appeared in my inbox:
"Hi Adam
I read your message on the wall regarding disfellowship people being class like demons. I read the article in question and feel that wasnt the message the society was trying to get across. The Elder was trying to comfort the mother. Explaning to her that Jehovah understands what she was going thru. Jehovah had sons that rebeled and so Jehovah had to protect the rest of his angel sons and human race and though it pained him him he get off association with his disobedient sons. So Jehovah understands our pain.
And no im not a Jehovah's Witness im disfellowship also. I knew what I was doing at the time. We are like children to Jehovah, and like all children if we do wrong and we dont listen to our parents then we are disciplene for our own good to bring us back to our senses. I dont mean to be rude or cause offence to you. Sorry for my bad spelling."Honestly, I was dumbfounded. Completely at a loss for words. At a moment's notice, this was the only thing I could type back:
"Wow. I don't even know how to respond. Good luck. I'll just leave it at that."Now that I've had some time to think about a better response, let me just say.......
 |
| "Oh, no!" |
"Stop drinking the Kool Aid, sister." I can understand this if, say you've been disfellowshipped for a relatively short period of time, and your residual "Witness guilt" is getting the better of you. Otherwise, let me fill you in on something. It's complete nonsense. Here's why.
In a nutshell, Witnesses disfellowship for two reasons, 1) to "protect the flock", and 2) as a way to encourage the "wrongdoer" to come back to the congregation. From what has been reported by those trying to return to the congregation in recent months, people have been told that they cannot look others in the eye, that they must sit apart from the congregation, and that they weren't allowed to stay for the final prayer.
Imagine being told that you're an alcoholic, and that the only way you're going to get better is by going to a 12 step program. You show up at your first AA meeting and your told that you're not allowed to participate with the rest of the group. You also have to look down at the ground, so as to not look anyone in the eye. Then, the group moderator takes your folding chair and moves it into the room next door, and tells you that you have to get up and leave before the serenity prayer is said. How much do you think that you'll get out of the program? Do you think you will be on your way to sobriety just as quickly as the rest of the members of the group? Of course not.
Do you honestly think that, as a disfellowshipped person, Jehovah's Witnesses give a shit about you? If they really wanted to "encourage" you to come back, wouldn't your family and friends have an active role in doing so? Why are you defending them? They hate you! They hate all of us. How could you think any differently? How can you still buy that bullshit that you've been spoon fed all of this time?
Moving on. Another comment, about the same post. This one received on the site itself. This was left by an "Anonymous" reader last week. Again, I am printing this, as is, unedited, word for word.
they go into the understanding of yehweh Yahweh - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia 329] states: “Jehovah (Yahweh), in the Hebrew you have to undershand they Je or Jeh or Jah means Lord or God Hovah Hoba and Hova means, like 20 words like, Wickedness, Naughty, and more words along these lines so really who is Jehovah, who is Lord or God of Wickedness..................... Yahweh Translates into Jehovah im sorry but it does................. now this is important THE!! hear me THE Shocking Implications of 'Jehovah' We now see how the first part of the Sacred Name "Yah" was changed to "Jeh" as the "J" developed and the "a" was replaced with "e" to hide the name. The suffix "hovah" is No. 1943 in Strong's Hebrew Dictionary and has the meaning of "ruin: mischief." It is another form of No. 1942, havvah, which is translated "calamity, iniquity, mischief, mischievous (thing), naughtiness, naughty, noisome, perverse thing, substance, very wickedness." Ok so who r they worshipping oh dear the god of wickedness also they preach from the new world order.. Sorry I mean translation same bible that once had 73 books but Constantine etc reduced to 66 books I'm strongly considering reading the Quran as 114 books are easily recited by children ad young as 8 in entire villages to prevent corruption and it tells u to believe in torah n Christ but be mindful of corruption Jesus spoke armaic n the word Allah is a translation of the word god their main sin is shirk associating others with the worship meant for the one and only creatorIf someone has a Gary Busey to English translation dictionary, and could loan me their copy? I would love to try to understand just what in the hell this person was trying to say.
This wasn't too surprising, really. The comment came in the morning after the Memorial. As many of my ex-JW readers can attest, the Memorial season "brings out the crazies". I remember as a kid, every year there was always that one brother in the congregation that you wouldn't see all year would be rocking back and forth and talking to himself. Or, there would be the homeless looking guy that would partake every year, and you'd never see him again. Or, there would be that family with the three daughters that were in their thirties that still lived at home, and made their own dresses and looked like fundamental Mormons that haven't bathed in 6 months. Only the old timers in the congregation knew their names, and you would only see them on Memorial night. They were the Boo Radleys of the Kingdom Hall.
Then you have the troublemakers.
I had another person, this time a Jehovah's Witness, track me down on Facebook and send the following message in response to my post about a local elder I knew, getting arrested on molestation charges.
"Are u saying this to stumble others?U will not succeed.Why did the pope travel to UK?Tell me the reasons.Do you know what has been happening to ur so called pastors,priests,popes and other people who claim to be worshiping the true God?"I replied, stating that my intent wasn't to "stumble"(a term Witnesses like to use, meaning to shove them off the right path) anyone at all, but rather to share a story. That story happened to be that an elder that I used to know liked blowing 14 year old boys and got caught. This individual is from Ghana. I'm not being racist, by any means, but just making an observation.
As a Jehovah's Witness, it is against the religion to read material from an "apostate", or someone that has left the organization and is writing things contrary to the religion's teachings. It is also against the religion to speak to, or write to, such an individual. Doing so can get yourself, as a Jehovah's Witness, kicked out of the church. I have noticed, in recent months, among my blog and other ex-JW pages on the web, there is a lot of activity by Jehovah's Witnesses from Africa, particularly Ghana and Kenya. I get at least a dozen page views a day between the two countries, and I imagine they're not reading about the 'Hangover 2' trailer. I have seen so called "brothers", openly taunting former members of the church on other websites. It's almost as if the "don't talk to the disfellowshipped" rule doesn't apply to that continent. Here's this "brother's" response to mine.
"I can only compare u to those in the past.Eg. Like Hitler,didnt he say he will wipe out all witnesses,where is he now and how many witnesses are now in Germany.Dont believe in God and do whatever u like in life and u will see ur end.Even those u had depended on them believe in God.Dont think i will argue with Satan.Mind u i wont read ur reply."What a nice guy, comparing me to Hitler and all. I write a blog. Hitler killed 6 million Jews. Same thing, I guess. Same level of evil. Of course, he did the standard Witness retort in any debate: "Hit you opponent like a girl. Get the last word. Then, run like hell with your fingers in your ears yelling, "I can't hear you."
Finally, is the pièce de résistance. This one takes the meter way past logical thinking....past conspiracy theories...and enters the territory of sheer lunacy. It's so mad, I'm not even going to share any details as to who it's from, their website, or any of the text I received. You're going to have to Google it.
I received a comment a couple of months ago from someone. It seemed simple enough. It was along the lines of, "Great post. I can relate. Oh yeah, by the way. I have an ex-JW blog too. Check it out". And, there was a link posted for me to follow. What I read was so "out there", that it made the conspiracy theories of Bigfoot being the second shooter behind the grassy knoll that killed JFK seem plausible.
OK, some back story. The Jehovah's Witnesses despise the United Nations. In fact, they think the bible book of Revelation prophesies that the U.N. will be instrumental in bringing about the events that lead to Armageddon. They, supposedly, want nothing to do with it.
A few years ago, some documents surfaced that suggested that they were an Associate Member of the United Nations Department of Public Information. From February 1992, until October 2001, they held an NGO (Non Governmental Organization) status with the United Nations, until the day when The Guardian newspaper published a story about their U.N. involvement.
The blog I was linked to states that the reason that the Witnesses were involved with the U.N. was because of.....extraterrestrials. That's right, aliens. Keep in mind, when it comes to the bible, the Witnesses are literalists. They do not believe in evolution, and they DO NOT believe in life on other planets. However, this blog claims to "prove" that we have been "visited" before, and that, not only are the world's governments aware of it, but they are making plans in the event of an alien invasion.
His reasoning is this: If life is proven outside our planet...if an alien spacecraft lands in the National Mall in Washington D.C. tomorrow afternoon, people aren't going to be calling their Senator. They're going to freak out, and head straight for their local church. Supposedly, the higher ups at the JWs joined the U.N., along with all of the other religions of the world, to develop a contingency plan on how to handle their followers, when and if that day ever occurs.
Puts a whole new meaning to, "The "truth" is out there", doesn't it?
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
I'm Batshit Crazy, And I Approve This Message
Don't you think it's going to be hard enough for Donald Trump to be elected President without Gary Busey helping out? Busey officially endorsed Trump yesterday, and I'm sure President Obama is ever so grateful.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Thursday, September 9, 2010
You Can't Say The GOP Isn't Passionate
Phil Davison, a Republican Councilman from Minerva, OH, made the following speech at last night's Stark County Republican Party's executive committee meeting. He was seeking the nomination for County Treasurer. What followed was, to say the least.....passionate.
He didn't get the nomination.
He didn't get the nomination.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
The Last Time I "Spoke" To My Mother
I knew this post was coming.
I've been thinking about it and contemplating it for a couple of weeks now and figured it is finally time to go there.
January 6, 2006, I was working in the office of the family business. My mom had just gotten home from the hospital the previous day, after spending 9 weeks practically locked in a room with a mysterious immune system disorder. The two of us got into an argument that started over furniture, of all things, and eventually, before it was over, led to me quitting the family business.
I was the operations manager of their trucking company. I did all of their dispatching, payroll, human resources, etc. I was the business. My father was out of state with a load, and my brother, still asleep at three in the afternoon. It was Thursday(payday), and times tough with the business. We didn't have enough to pay all the drivers. I really left them high and dry. So, in no uncertain terms, by leaving the business, I was also leaving the family. I was getting so tired of living a double life. By that time, I had been out of the church for 10 years, but still had to act like a Witness during the day.
I later found out that my parents had my little brother, who was 26 at the time, take over for my position with the company. They went bankrupt a little more than three months later. They lost their house, their two cars, and their fleet of trucks. He wasn't paying attention with the payroll software and inadvertently overpaid a number of the drivers tens of thousands of dollars.
I didn't speak with my mother again until the day after my daughter was born. I simply sent her an email with a picture of my little girl with her date of birth, name and weight. Two minutes later, I received an email response that simply said "Thank you".
Over the next couple of months, we slowly started exchanging email. I started to fill her in on the information on where I was and how I was now a husband and father. She started to fill me in on how they had all moved to the East Coast to be closer to my nieces during my little brother's custody battle.
Things started going well. For the most part, she kept religion out of the conversation. I kept out religion and politics. We had a couple of conversations that were surprisingly candid. She apologized for raising me the way she did. She explained that she did what she thought was right; that she did the best she could. I started to understand my mother.
I realized that all along, she had her issues as well. Looking back, she never really was all that stable mentally. She has always had issues with depression and alcoholism. I would also say that she was probably Bipolar. She needed that church as much as they needed her. It was a family to her. She needed structure, and found it there. Honestly, I think she would probably leave the church if she had the ability to think for herself, but it has been a part of her life for so long she wouldn't know what to do without it.
Occasionally, the crazy phone call or email would come through. I would get the "I'm not feeling right talking to you because you're not a Witness" line every now and then. Sometimes, she would even forget that she said that to me. Other times, she would pursue it. She thought that she would be able to end her communication with me but keep a relationship with my wife and daughter. I had to explain to her that family doesn't work that way. You can't pick and choose who you want to associate with and who you don't. My family is a package deal. It was all or none. She couldn't understand that concept. She didn't think that was fair.
Fast forward to June of this year. I'm at a movie with my wife, daughter, and my wife's nephew from out of town. I start getting text messages from my mom. She tells me that there is something she wants to tell me regarding my ex sister-in-law and an upcoming court hearing for custody. My brother and her have been fighting for those girls for years. My ex sis is OK. She really isn't that good of a mother, but when I wasn't talking to my mom for those three years, we kept in contact and she let me talk to my nieces on a regular basis.
Side note: My nieces have been through pure shit during this whole time. Their dad is an alcoholic, addict, deadbeat. Their mom lets them go to school in winter wearing shorts and sandals. My mom cares more about their well being than their parents. Their parents are in a pissing contest. Both girls are showing signs of serious mental issues already at 7 and 5. One will be pregnant at 14 and a stripper at 16...the other will end up being institutionalized.
My mom starts saying that she really wants to tell me but she doesn't trust me that I won't go and tell my ex sister-in-law. I ask her what would give her that idea. She says, "Because of what happened". "What happened", meaning me leaving the business back in January of 2006. She wants to tell me a secret, but can't trust me with information because of that day. I explain to her that I am actually in a movie theater, and that I will email her later that night.
I actually am so angry, it takes me two days to email her. I first talk to my therapist to see if it's even a good idea to say what I want to say knowing how she will likely take it. There are some things in the response that I intentionally say just to get a point across. For example, I have never, in my 34 years, purposely cursed at my mother. Here is the email in it's entirety:
"sorry i didnt get back to you yesterday.....was sort of a crazy day. about our conversation on wednesday night....the only thing i can say is whatever....
just in the last week, things have gotten to a point with jessi where she cant handle having the dog and the baby in the same room.....at the moment i have both of them crying and she's in bed.....she's lost it.....
i'm crazy on top of it all.....my life is quickly going to shit.....we cant pay our bills...our van will likely be repossessed in the next couple of weeks....we had to do a payday loan so we could buy groceries for the next week...we have $30 in the bank to last us a week and both cars are on empty and i have a therapy appt next tuesday.....
im not getting a paycheck next friday because my short term extension wont be approved until after payroll is sent out.....and jessi's is gonna be short... maybe 800 total....so we're gonna have to do another payday loan next week to pay rent.....
i have my psychiatrist and my Mayo neurologist arguing over treatment because they disagree over what i actually have....in the meantime my ticks are getting worse......and im not able to hold a job of any kind......
so....when it comes to your "moral dilemmas" or your "trust issues" with me.....i really could care....trust me or dont.....talk to me or dont....i just honestly dont have the energy or the ability to care at the moment.....that is at the bottom of my priority list right now.....ive got more important things to focus on......
go to www.youtube.com/thedailytwitch to see what's going on in my world....
i love you"
The Youtube link used to link up to an old page of mine that no longer exists. I haven't heard from her since. At this point, the ball is in her court. Since the email was sent out, I have been diagnosed with both Tourette's and PTSD. The van was repossessed. We did make the rent payment, somehow, but have struggled to make each subsequent rent payment. I am at a point in my life where I don't know if I'll ever be able to work again.
So, the email still rings true. To quote a line from Jack Nicholson in 'As Good As It Gets': "Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here".
I've been thinking about it and contemplating it for a couple of weeks now and figured it is finally time to go there.
January 6, 2006, I was working in the office of the family business. My mom had just gotten home from the hospital the previous day, after spending 9 weeks practically locked in a room with a mysterious immune system disorder. The two of us got into an argument that started over furniture, of all things, and eventually, before it was over, led to me quitting the family business.
I was the operations manager of their trucking company. I did all of their dispatching, payroll, human resources, etc. I was the business. My father was out of state with a load, and my brother, still asleep at three in the afternoon. It was Thursday(payday), and times tough with the business. We didn't have enough to pay all the drivers. I really left them high and dry. So, in no uncertain terms, by leaving the business, I was also leaving the family. I was getting so tired of living a double life. By that time, I had been out of the church for 10 years, but still had to act like a Witness during the day.
I later found out that my parents had my little brother, who was 26 at the time, take over for my position with the company. They went bankrupt a little more than three months later. They lost their house, their two cars, and their fleet of trucks. He wasn't paying attention with the payroll software and inadvertently overpaid a number of the drivers tens of thousands of dollars.
I didn't speak with my mother again until the day after my daughter was born. I simply sent her an email with a picture of my little girl with her date of birth, name and weight. Two minutes later, I received an email response that simply said "Thank you".
Over the next couple of months, we slowly started exchanging email. I started to fill her in on the information on where I was and how I was now a husband and father. She started to fill me in on how they had all moved to the East Coast to be closer to my nieces during my little brother's custody battle.
Things started going well. For the most part, she kept religion out of the conversation. I kept out religion and politics. We had a couple of conversations that were surprisingly candid. She apologized for raising me the way she did. She explained that she did what she thought was right; that she did the best she could. I started to understand my mother.
I realized that all along, she had her issues as well. Looking back, she never really was all that stable mentally. She has always had issues with depression and alcoholism. I would also say that she was probably Bipolar. She needed that church as much as they needed her. It was a family to her. She needed structure, and found it there. Honestly, I think she would probably leave the church if she had the ability to think for herself, but it has been a part of her life for so long she wouldn't know what to do without it.
Occasionally, the crazy phone call or email would come through. I would get the "I'm not feeling right talking to you because you're not a Witness" line every now and then. Sometimes, she would even forget that she said that to me. Other times, she would pursue it. She thought that she would be able to end her communication with me but keep a relationship with my wife and daughter. I had to explain to her that family doesn't work that way. You can't pick and choose who you want to associate with and who you don't. My family is a package deal. It was all or none. She couldn't understand that concept. She didn't think that was fair.
Fast forward to June of this year. I'm at a movie with my wife, daughter, and my wife's nephew from out of town. I start getting text messages from my mom. She tells me that there is something she wants to tell me regarding my ex sister-in-law and an upcoming court hearing for custody. My brother and her have been fighting for those girls for years. My ex sis is OK. She really isn't that good of a mother, but when I wasn't talking to my mom for those three years, we kept in contact and she let me talk to my nieces on a regular basis.
Side note: My nieces have been through pure shit during this whole time. Their dad is an alcoholic, addict, deadbeat. Their mom lets them go to school in winter wearing shorts and sandals. My mom cares more about their well being than their parents. Their parents are in a pissing contest. Both girls are showing signs of serious mental issues already at 7 and 5. One will be pregnant at 14 and a stripper at 16...the other will end up being institutionalized.
My mom starts saying that she really wants to tell me but she doesn't trust me that I won't go and tell my ex sister-in-law. I ask her what would give her that idea. She says, "Because of what happened". "What happened", meaning me leaving the business back in January of 2006. She wants to tell me a secret, but can't trust me with information because of that day. I explain to her that I am actually in a movie theater, and that I will email her later that night.
I actually am so angry, it takes me two days to email her. I first talk to my therapist to see if it's even a good idea to say what I want to say knowing how she will likely take it. There are some things in the response that I intentionally say just to get a point across. For example, I have never, in my 34 years, purposely cursed at my mother. Here is the email in it's entirety:
"sorry i didnt get back to you yesterday.....was sort of a crazy day. about our conversation on wednesday night....the only thing i can say is whatever....
just in the last week, things have gotten to a point with jessi where she cant handle having the dog and the baby in the same room.....at the moment i have both of them crying and she's in bed.....she's lost it.....
i'm crazy on top of it all.....my life is quickly going to shit.....we cant pay our bills...our van will likely be repossessed in the next couple of weeks....we had to do a payday loan so we could buy groceries for the next week...we have $30 in the bank to last us a week and both cars are on empty and i have a therapy appt next tuesday.....
im not getting a paycheck next friday because my short term extension wont be approved until after payroll is sent out.....and jessi's is gonna be short... maybe 800 total....so we're gonna have to do another payday loan next week to pay rent.....
i have my psychiatrist and my Mayo neurologist arguing over treatment because they disagree over what i actually have....in the meantime my ticks are getting worse......and im not able to hold a job of any kind......
so....when it comes to your "moral dilemmas" or your "trust issues" with me.....i really could care....trust me or dont.....talk to me or dont....i just honestly dont have the energy or the ability to care at the moment.....that is at the bottom of my priority list right now.....ive got more important things to focus on......
go to www.youtube.com/thedailytwitch to see what's going on in my world....
i love you"
The Youtube link used to link up to an old page of mine that no longer exists. I haven't heard from her since. At this point, the ball is in her court. Since the email was sent out, I have been diagnosed with both Tourette's and PTSD. The van was repossessed. We did make the rent payment, somehow, but have struggled to make each subsequent rent payment. I am at a point in my life where I don't know if I'll ever be able to work again.
So, the email still rings true. To quote a line from Jack Nicholson in 'As Good As It Gets': "Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here".
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Songs That Get Under Your Skin - Unexpected Entry
When Gnarls Barkley released their single 'Crazy' back in May of 2006, I instantly connected to it. From the very first verse, they had a life long fan. With Cee-Lo Green's vocals, and Danger Mouse's arrangements, it was something that had never the likes had never been heard of before on radio. And the video, with the ever changing Rorschach test incorporating the members of the band with various images...spellbinding.
Last night, while searching Youtube for a video for 'Trouble', I came across a cover of 'Crazy' by Ray Lamontagne. It was as if he was the songwriter. Whereas Cee-Lo gave the impression that he had become comfortable with his mental issues, Lamontagne sings the song as if he is not only comfortable, but thrives off the instability. He has been so familiar with this "crazy" for such a long period of time that it is part of him now. He is in control of it. It doesn't control him. It's that kind of vibe that he gives with his vocals, that feeling that it is so much a part of him, that it is ingrained in him, that makes the song almost uncomfortable to listen to. I absolutely loved it. I hope you do to.
Side note: I've looked everywhere. I cannot find a website(ITunes, Amazon, Rhapsody, etc.) where this song is available.
Last night, while searching Youtube for a video for 'Trouble', I came across a cover of 'Crazy' by Ray Lamontagne. It was as if he was the songwriter. Whereas Cee-Lo gave the impression that he had become comfortable with his mental issues, Lamontagne sings the song as if he is not only comfortable, but thrives off the instability. He has been so familiar with this "crazy" for such a long period of time that it is part of him now. He is in control of it. It doesn't control him. It's that kind of vibe that he gives with his vocals, that feeling that it is so much a part of him, that it is ingrained in him, that makes the song almost uncomfortable to listen to. I absolutely loved it. I hope you do to.
Side note: I've looked everywhere. I cannot find a website(ITunes, Amazon, Rhapsody, etc.) where this song is available.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Autobiographical Songs Part V
It seems like from day one of our relationship, my wife and I have been on our own. We have had no one else to count on. Shortly after we met, I lost my family. Hers were in Iowa. We had a number of acquaintances, but no real "friends" to count on, for the most part. Just the two of us, for the better part of four years.
Somehow, we made it. Everyday, our love for each other stronger than the last. We have always been told that we have the perfect relationship...the type of marriage you only see in the movies. We've been together for a little over four years and have never had a fight. We very rarely, if ever, raise our voices around each other. She's into video games. I like to help her pick out clothes. It just works.
The song I am writing about tonight is "our song", 'Chasing Cars' by Snow Patrol. Had we had a "traditional" wedding, this would have been the first dance at our reception. Instead of marrying in Vegas as planned, we got married in our kitchen, the night after Thanksgiving, by our friend Lindsay, with two witnesses in attendance to sign the license. Instead of champagne and wedding cake, we each had a bowl of chocolate chip ice cream.
The song is very simple in it's writing style. It's not overly flowery or wordy. That, I think, is what I like about it. It gets to the point. The first verse describes us perfectly:
"We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone"
We have been through more drama in the four short years that we have been together, than some couples see in a lifetime. Six, count them, six moves, two of which were long distance. Not to mention the loss of my family. The stress associated with the loss of a job and the subsequent unemployment. Pregnancy and the birth of our baby girl. Then my medical/mental issues came to the forefront. We're now dealing with the consequences associated with that. A couple of months ago we lost the family van. Last Friday, I received the last paycheck from my employer that I'll ever get. My career is over. I am expecting a decision from MetLife within the next 24-48 hours with a decision as to whether my long term disability has been approved. Since I can no longer care for myself, we're discussing the possibility of having my wife quit her job to become a caretaker of sorts. So, her career is so to end as well.
My favorite line from the song is one that has been edited out of the U.S. single and radio versions heard here in the States. It says, "I need your grace to remind me to find my own". Just being in my wife's presence makes me a better person. She makes me want to be a better human being. I am who I am today because of her. I wouldn't care about anyone in this world other than myself if it wasn't for trying to copy her selfless attitude, and I don't thank her enough for that. She is the greatest "human" I have ever personally had the pleasure of knowing, and I'm so happy I have her here to instill her values and morals in my daughter and keep me in check as well. I love you Jessi...I knew it from the moment I first saw your eyes.
It took me forever to find the U.K. version of the song. It includes the extra line. Enjoy.
Here is a pic of the two of us from a much less stressful time. It was taken in a photo booth at the 2007 New Mexico State Fair just weeks before we were married. We were a little more punk then and a little less crazy. The pic is currently on our refrigerator. I still smile every time I get the milk.
Somehow, we made it. Everyday, our love for each other stronger than the last. We have always been told that we have the perfect relationship...the type of marriage you only see in the movies. We've been together for a little over four years and have never had a fight. We very rarely, if ever, raise our voices around each other. She's into video games. I like to help her pick out clothes. It just works.
The song I am writing about tonight is "our song", 'Chasing Cars' by Snow Patrol. Had we had a "traditional" wedding, this would have been the first dance at our reception. Instead of marrying in Vegas as planned, we got married in our kitchen, the night after Thanksgiving, by our friend Lindsay, with two witnesses in attendance to sign the license. Instead of champagne and wedding cake, we each had a bowl of chocolate chip ice cream.
The song is very simple in it's writing style. It's not overly flowery or wordy. That, I think, is what I like about it. It gets to the point. The first verse describes us perfectly:
"We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone"
We have been through more drama in the four short years that we have been together, than some couples see in a lifetime. Six, count them, six moves, two of which were long distance. Not to mention the loss of my family. The stress associated with the loss of a job and the subsequent unemployment. Pregnancy and the birth of our baby girl. Then my medical/mental issues came to the forefront. We're now dealing with the consequences associated with that. A couple of months ago we lost the family van. Last Friday, I received the last paycheck from my employer that I'll ever get. My career is over. I am expecting a decision from MetLife within the next 24-48 hours with a decision as to whether my long term disability has been approved. Since I can no longer care for myself, we're discussing the possibility of having my wife quit her job to become a caretaker of sorts. So, her career is so to end as well.
My favorite line from the song is one that has been edited out of the U.S. single and radio versions heard here in the States. It says, "I need your grace to remind me to find my own". Just being in my wife's presence makes me a better person. She makes me want to be a better human being. I am who I am today because of her. I wouldn't care about anyone in this world other than myself if it wasn't for trying to copy her selfless attitude, and I don't thank her enough for that. She is the greatest "human" I have ever personally had the pleasure of knowing, and I'm so happy I have her here to instill her values and morals in my daughter and keep me in check as well. I love you Jessi...I knew it from the moment I first saw your eyes.
It took me forever to find the U.K. version of the song. It includes the extra line. Enjoy.
Here is a pic of the two of us from a much less stressful time. It was taken in a photo booth at the 2007 New Mexico State Fair just weeks before we were married. We were a little more punk then and a little less crazy. The pic is currently on our refrigerator. I still smile every time I get the milk.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Soundtrack of My Life 10/07/09 - The Fray 'Never Say Never'
Things have been very tense lately for Jessi and I. There have been many days that my PTSD has gotten so bad that I'm unable to take care of myself. I can't go into the kitchen to feed myself unless I have things planned out far in advance, (what I want to eat, how I'm going to make it, etc.) If I am not up to the minute on my medication, something so much as hearing a spoon hit a plate in the sink can make me go into a major freak out. I start screaming, stuttering, and ticking for the next 10 minutes.
I tick at the grocery store. I tick at Walmart. My daughter screamed a couple of days ago at the store and I screamed and crouched and held onto the store shelf. I tick violently at restaurants. Needless to say, this has taken a huge toll on the two of us, both mentally and emotionally.
With the exception of seven days, I have been on short term disability since February 14th. It started out as stomach problems initially. I was losing control of my bowels at work....shitting myself in the parking lot on my way in for the day. After a colonoscopy and an endoscope, my gastro doctor found nothing wrong. He thought it may be an allergy, but couldn't tell me what I was allergic to. Later, we realized it was the first signs of PTSD showing themselves. I came back the last week or so in March, and was having panic attacks so bad that I was hiding in the bathroom for an hour at a time, and then going home sick.
I went out again on short term on April 7th. Since then, I was diagnosed with Tourette's on June 25th, and PTSD on July 30th. I have been on 60% pay because of the disability status since April, so needless to say, things have been tight. We've really had to cut corners and decide on what is important. Needs vs. wants type of situations.
That coupled with the fact that I feel like I'm losing my ability to take care of myself, take care of my family, and take care of my daughter, have made the last few weeks very hard. There are times I can tell that my wife is past her breaking point. She's the anchor in the house, the foundation. Without her, I don't know how we would have made it this far.
The next couple of weeks will be tough. My short term runs out in a week. MetLife decides whether I qualify for long term disability or not. Whether I am approved or not, I am no longer an employee of the company I've worked for since 02/17/2006. It's a very scary time. I would have never believed you if you would have said five years ago that I would have been in this position today. It is unreal. Other people have given up under more forgiving circumstances. I've said this before. We can't give up. We can't give up. We cannot give up.
Don't let me go, Jessi.
I tick at the grocery store. I tick at Walmart. My daughter screamed a couple of days ago at the store and I screamed and crouched and held onto the store shelf. I tick violently at restaurants. Needless to say, this has taken a huge toll on the two of us, both mentally and emotionally.
With the exception of seven days, I have been on short term disability since February 14th. It started out as stomach problems initially. I was losing control of my bowels at work....shitting myself in the parking lot on my way in for the day. After a colonoscopy and an endoscope, my gastro doctor found nothing wrong. He thought it may be an allergy, but couldn't tell me what I was allergic to. Later, we realized it was the first signs of PTSD showing themselves. I came back the last week or so in March, and was having panic attacks so bad that I was hiding in the bathroom for an hour at a time, and then going home sick.
I went out again on short term on April 7th. Since then, I was diagnosed with Tourette's on June 25th, and PTSD on July 30th. I have been on 60% pay because of the disability status since April, so needless to say, things have been tight. We've really had to cut corners and decide on what is important. Needs vs. wants type of situations.
That coupled with the fact that I feel like I'm losing my ability to take care of myself, take care of my family, and take care of my daughter, have made the last few weeks very hard. There are times I can tell that my wife is past her breaking point. She's the anchor in the house, the foundation. Without her, I don't know how we would have made it this far.
The next couple of weeks will be tough. My short term runs out in a week. MetLife decides whether I qualify for long term disability or not. Whether I am approved or not, I am no longer an employee of the company I've worked for since 02/17/2006. It's a very scary time. I would have never believed you if you would have said five years ago that I would have been in this position today. It is unreal. Other people have given up under more forgiving circumstances. I've said this before. We can't give up. We can't give up. We cannot give up.
Don't let me go, Jessi.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Cleaning Tips For Crazy People
If your cat pukes in the hallway, put it on you to do list. By the time you get to it:
Wake up
Roll out of bed
Kill imaginary squirrel
Get mail
Put on underwear
Feed Fish
Watch 'Price is Right'
Play Backgammon with Hitler
Take Shower
Put on dry underwear
Post blog
Eat Crunch Berries
Read email
Read TMZ.com
Clean up cat puke
Cat will have already eaten dried cat puke....problem solved.
Wake up
Roll out of bed
Kill imaginary squirrel
Get mail
Put on underwear
Feed Fish
Watch 'Price is Right'
Play Backgammon with Hitler
Take Shower
Put on dry underwear
Post blog
Eat Crunch Berries
Read email
Read TMZ.com
Clean up cat puke
Cat will have already eaten dried cat puke....problem solved.
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