Soundtrack Of My Life - 05/02/2011 'Everyday'

Last night, with the news that Osama bin Laden had been killed, it was near impossible for many of us not to think of September 2001.  If anything positive was gleamed from the events that tragic day, it was that people became more neighborly.  For a short time following 9/11, though the vast majority of people were severely depressed, they were friendlier than what they were on September 10, 2001.

I found that people would say hi more often, when passing them on the street.  Someone would hold the door for you, or would hold an elevator, when before they wouldn't take the time to.  The nation, for lack of a better term, was polite.  In time, the civility went away, and everything went back to normal.

It was an atmosphere that I hoped to see return last night.  Instead, the scene outside the White House looked more like a Grateful Dead concert.  People were throwing beach balls and climbing light poles at two in the morning, chanting "Na na na na.  Hey hey hey. Good bye."  To the rest of the world, especially the Middle East, the citizens of the United States looked like jagoffs.

On September 11, 2001, the Dave Matthews Band was coincidentally scheduled to release the song 'When the World Ends' as their third single, off of their album 'Everyday'.  Based on what happened that morning, the single was pulled, and the video was scrapped.  The band and studio decided to release the album's title track, 'Everyday', instead.

The video featured (then unknown) '30 Rock's' Judah Friedlander, walking through the streets of New York's Greenwich Village asking random people for a hug.  It was filmed shortly after 9/11, and features a few cameos from some New York celebrities, such as Conan O'Brien, Blue Man Group, and Tiki Barber.  At the time, it was very touching and heartwarming to watch.  Even with his relative television fame, I don't think Judah Friedlander would be able to get enough hugs to fill three minutes of video in 2011.  It's sad how people have grown colder in the last 10 years.

Soundtrack Of My Life - 02/19/2010 'Homesick'

I haven't done a "Soundtrack of My Life" post in a long time. This is the first one for 2010, in fact. I heard this song a few years ago and it has always struck a chord with me. I have lived in a fair share of places. Phoenix. Denver. Cincinnati. Albuquerque. Las Vegas. They have all had their pros and cons, but none of them have ever really felt like home. All of my life, regardless of where I have been, I have felt like a visitor and not a local. A consummate outsider.

If given the choice, I don't really know where I would go. Perhaps the Pacific Northwest. Perhaps the North Atlantic. Maybe Canada. "I'm homesick, though I don't really know where home is".

Soundtrack of My Life 12/13/09 - XTC 'Dear God'

Sometimes when you've had something force fed to you for so long, you become so repulsed by it that you'll never try it again. It sort of reminds me of the stories you hear of people that get caught smoking as a kid. Their father makes them smoke the rest of the pack until they puke. They never smoke again. Even in adulthood, the thought of smoking physically makes them ill. I have the same reaction to religion.

I was raised in a very strict, religious family. I was giving public sermons in front of my local congregation at the age of four. I was knocking on doors, preaching the "good news of God's kingdom" on Saturday mornings soon thereafter. I knew the Bible, inside and out, and could quote hundreds of verses by the time I entered grade school. I was brainwashed.

It only got worse as I grew older. My sermons became more complex and more in depth. I was offering prayer before the congregation, which was a pretty big deal.

As I grew older, and wiser, I started to realize that everything I was taught and everything I was teaching others was a lie. I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep preaching the "God loves you" line when I looked around the world and evidence told me that not only did he/she not love us, but he/she likely didn't exist.

I remember seeing this video on MTV when the song originally came out decades ago, and, after severing ties with the church in the mid 90s, I heard this song again on the radio. Since then, it has become one of my favorites. Caution to those that are light of heart: it is quite blasphemous, but it sums up quite a lot of my thoughts on God and religion. The video has the lyrics subtitled at the bottom of the screen as well. Some pretty powerful stuff.

Soundtrack of My Life 12/06/2009 - Nat King Cole 'The Christmas Song'

Growing up as one of Jehovah's Witnesses, I didn't have much exposure to the holidays as a child. I never knew the joy of opening up a wrapped present. I never got to see a Christmas tree up close in all of it's glory. I never heard any holiday song enough to learn the words to it. I didn't want to....except one.

I was very sheltered as a child. My parents tried to "protect" me from the dangers of this "worldly system of things" (yes, that was the language that was used in the house). What they failed to realize was that you can't control the stimuli that is being fed into your childrens' brains outside your home. You cannot control the music being played at the grocery store or at the mall. You can't control the music being played at Walmart or at Sears.

As I said, for the most part it had no effect on me. I really had no idea what I was missing out on. But when I heard that beautiful, raspy voice coming over the loud speaker, singing about that special day, I knew that there was something more to life that what I was living. That one song, those three minutes, convinced me that Christmas didn't have to be a religious holiday, but rather a time for giving and to be with family. I've always remembered that.

This was the first, and to my recollection, only Christmas song I learned by heart. It gives me a warm feeling inside every time I hear it, as I hope it does you.

"And so, I'm offering this simple phrase...
to kids from one to ninety two....
although it's been said many times many ways....
Merry Christmas to you....."

Soundtrack of My Life 11/23/2009 - Bright Eyes 'First Day Of My Life'

This song has had special significance a couple of times in my life. Between being a husband and a father, the meaning has changed. It still has to be one of the coolest songs I think I have ever heard. I'm in one of those sweet, sentimental moods this morning, so I thought I would post it. Besides, I think it's a really cool video.

The baby is getting up...so I have to go...enjoy....

Soundtrack of My Life 11/23/2009 - Ben Harper 'Waiting On An Angel'

There are a number of moments that come to mind when I think about the moment I knew that I was falling in love with my wife. One moment stands out for me as the moment I knew that I loved her.

She had just recently lost her grandfather. We were listening to music on my computer at my apartment and I played this song. We both cried and held each other for what seemed like an hour. I still get teary eyed when I think about that night. That's when I knew I had fallen for her....that we had a future together. Sure enough, four years later, here we are, celebrating our two year wedding anniversary.

Soundtrack of My Life 10/25/09 - Sting 'Fragile'

Depending on the phase of my life, I either absolutely love Sting, or absolutely loathe him. At the moment, I'm sort of in between. I've been thinking a lot about life...and health...and death lately. And, for some reason, this song came to mind.

'Fragile' was originally written about the assassination of John Lennon. The following video was recorded at a concert that was supposed to be telecast live worldwide. That ill-fated performance was scheduled to take place on the evening of September 11th 2001. Due to the events of that morning, Sting decided to perform this single song in memory of the victims of that day's terrorist attacks, then cut the live feed. This version of 'Fragile', I believe, later went on to win a Grammy for live performance.

Soundtrack Of My Life 10/20/2009

Ray Lamontagne. 'Trouble'. Enough Said.

Soundtrack of My Life 10/17/09 Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat 'Lucky'

From the album 'We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things' by Jason Mraz, 'Lucky' was an instant favorite of ours from the moment we first heard it. So far, we've been very lucky in our relationship. We're buddies. We're best of friends, and we couldn't ask for more.

The song just became available yesterday to sing on 'Lips', a karaoke video game that we own. We have been trying for half of the morning to get the harmonies down, and we're doing pretty well. At the moment, our top score is ranked 4th in the world. We're nerds like that. The singing is good therapy for me, so I spend a lot of time playing 'Lips' and 'RockBand'. For those of you that haven't heard the song before, here is the video:

Soundtrack of My Life 10/07/09 - The Fray 'Never Say Never'

Things have been very tense lately for Jessi and I. There have been many days that my PTSD has gotten so bad that I'm unable to take care of myself. I can't go into the kitchen to feed myself unless I have things planned out far in advance, (what I want to eat, how I'm going to make it, etc.) If I am not up to the minute on my medication, something so much as hearing a spoon hit a plate in the sink can make me go into a major freak out. I start screaming, stuttering, and ticking for the next 10 minutes.

I tick at the grocery store. I tick at Walmart. My daughter screamed a couple of days ago at the store and I screamed and crouched and held onto the store shelf. I tick violently at restaurants. Needless to say, this has taken a huge toll on the two of us, both mentally and emotionally.

With the exception of seven days, I have been on short term disability since February 14th. It started out as stomach problems initially. I was losing control of my bowels at work....shitting myself in the parking lot on my way in for the day. After a colonoscopy and an endoscope, my gastro doctor found nothing wrong. He thought it may be an allergy, but couldn't tell me what I was allergic to. Later, we realized it was the first signs of PTSD showing themselves. I came back the last week or so in March, and was having panic attacks so bad that I was hiding in the bathroom for an hour at a time, and then going home sick.

I went out again on short term on April 7th. Since then, I was diagnosed with Tourette's on June 25th, and PTSD on July 30th. I have been on 60% pay because of the disability status since April, so needless to say, things have been tight. We've really had to cut corners and decide on what is important. Needs vs. wants type of situations.

That coupled with the fact that I feel like I'm losing my ability to take care of myself, take care of my family, and take care of my daughter, have made the last few weeks very hard. There are times I can tell that my wife is past her breaking point. She's the anchor in the house, the foundation. Without her, I don't know how we would have made it this far.

The next couple of weeks will be tough. My short term runs out in a week. MetLife decides whether I qualify for long term disability or not. Whether I am approved or not, I am no longer an employee of the company I've worked for since 02/17/2006. It's a very scary time. I would have never believed you if you would have said five years ago that I would have been in this position today. It is unreal. Other people have given up under more forgiving circumstances. I've said this before. We can't give up. We can't give up. We cannot give up.

Don't let me go, Jessi.