Soundtrack of My Life 10/07/09 - The Fray 'Never Say Never'

Things have been very tense lately for Jessi and I. There have been many days that my PTSD has gotten so bad that I'm unable to take care of myself. I can't go into the kitchen to feed myself unless I have things planned out far in advance, (what I want to eat, how I'm going to make it, etc.) If I am not up to the minute on my medication, something so much as hearing a spoon hit a plate in the sink can make me go into a major freak out. I start screaming, stuttering, and ticking for the next 10 minutes.

I tick at the grocery store. I tick at Walmart. My daughter screamed a couple of days ago at the store and I screamed and crouched and held onto the store shelf. I tick violently at restaurants. Needless to say, this has taken a huge toll on the two of us, both mentally and emotionally.

With the exception of seven days, I have been on short term disability since February 14th. It started out as stomach problems initially. I was losing control of my bowels at work....shitting myself in the parking lot on my way in for the day. After a colonoscopy and an endoscope, my gastro doctor found nothing wrong. He thought it may be an allergy, but couldn't tell me what I was allergic to. Later, we realized it was the first signs of PTSD showing themselves. I came back the last week or so in March, and was having panic attacks so bad that I was hiding in the bathroom for an hour at a time, and then going home sick.

I went out again on short term on April 7th. Since then, I was diagnosed with Tourette's on June 25th, and PTSD on July 30th. I have been on 60% pay because of the disability status since April, so needless to say, things have been tight. We've really had to cut corners and decide on what is important. Needs vs. wants type of situations.

That coupled with the fact that I feel like I'm losing my ability to take care of myself, take care of my family, and take care of my daughter, have made the last few weeks very hard. There are times I can tell that my wife is past her breaking point. She's the anchor in the house, the foundation. Without her, I don't know how we would have made it this far.

The next couple of weeks will be tough. My short term runs out in a week. MetLife decides whether I qualify for long term disability or not. Whether I am approved or not, I am no longer an employee of the company I've worked for since 02/17/2006. It's a very scary time. I would have never believed you if you would have said five years ago that I would have been in this position today. It is unreal. Other people have given up under more forgiving circumstances. I've said this before. We can't give up. We can't give up. We cannot give up.

Don't let me go, Jessi.