The Last Time I "Spoke" To My Mother

I knew this post was coming.

I've been thinking about it and contemplating it for a couple of weeks now and figured it is finally time to go there.

January 6, 2006, I was working in the office of the family business. My mom had just gotten home from the hospital the previous day, after spending 9 weeks practically locked in a room with a mysterious immune system disorder. The two of us got into an argument that started over furniture, of all things, and eventually, before it was over, led to me quitting the family business.

I was the operations manager of their trucking company. I did all of their dispatching, payroll, human resources, etc. I was the business. My father was out of state with a load, and my brother, still asleep at three in the afternoon. It was Thursday(payday), and times tough with the business. We didn't have enough to pay all the drivers. I really left them high and dry. So, in no uncertain terms, by leaving the business, I was also leaving the family. I was getting so tired of living a double life. By that time, I had been out of the church for 10 years, but still had to act like a Witness during the day.

I later found out that my parents had my little brother, who was 26 at the time, take over for my position with the company. They went bankrupt a little more than three months later. They lost their house, their two cars, and their fleet of trucks. He wasn't paying attention with the payroll software and inadvertently overpaid a number of the drivers tens of thousands of dollars.

I didn't speak with my mother again until the day after my daughter was born. I simply sent her an email with a picture of my little girl with her date of birth, name and weight. Two minutes later, I received an email response that simply said "Thank you".

Over the next couple of months, we slowly started exchanging email. I started to fill her in on the information on where I was and how I was now a husband and father. She started to fill me in on how they had all moved to the East Coast to be closer to my nieces during my little brother's custody battle.

Things started going well. For the most part, she kept religion out of the conversation. I kept out religion and politics. We had a couple of conversations that were surprisingly candid. She apologized for raising me the way she did. She explained that she did what she thought was right; that she did the best she could. I started to understand my mother.

I realized that all along, she had her issues as well. Looking back, she never really was all that stable mentally. She has always had issues with depression and alcoholism. I would also say that she was probably Bipolar. She needed that church as much as they needed her. It was a family to her. She needed structure, and found it there. Honestly, I think she would probably leave the church if she had the ability to think for herself, but it has been a part of her life for so long she wouldn't know what to do without it.

Occasionally, the crazy phone call or email would come through. I would get the "I'm not feeling right talking to you because you're not a Witness" line every now and then. Sometimes, she would even forget that she said that to me. Other times, she would pursue it. She thought that she would be able to end her communication with me but keep a relationship with my wife and daughter. I had to explain to her that family doesn't work that way. You can't pick and choose who you want to associate with and who you don't. My family is a package deal. It was all or none. She couldn't understand that concept. She didn't think that was fair.

Fast forward to June of this year. I'm at a movie with my wife, daughter, and my wife's nephew from out of town. I start getting text messages from my mom. She tells me that there is something she wants to tell me regarding my ex sister-in-law and an upcoming court hearing for custody. My brother and her have been fighting for those girls for years. My ex sis is OK. She really isn't that good of a mother, but when I wasn't talking to my mom for those three years, we kept in contact and she let me talk to my nieces on a regular basis.

Side note: My nieces have been through pure shit during this whole time. Their dad is an alcoholic, addict, deadbeat. Their mom lets them go to school in winter wearing shorts and sandals. My mom cares more about their well being than their parents. Their parents are in a pissing contest. Both girls are showing signs of serious mental issues already at 7 and 5. One will be pregnant at 14 and a stripper at 16...the other will end up being institutionalized.


My mom starts saying that she really wants to tell me but she doesn't trust me that I won't go and tell my ex sister-in-law. I ask her what would give her that idea. She says, "Because of what happened". "What happened", meaning me leaving the business back in January of 2006. She wants to tell me a secret, but can't trust me with information because of that day. I explain to her that I am actually in a movie theater, and that I will email her later that night.

I actually am so angry, it takes me two days to email her. I first talk to my therapist to see if it's even a good idea to say what I want to say knowing how she will likely take it. There are some things in the response that I intentionally say just to get a point across. For example, I have never, in my 34 years, purposely cursed at my mother. Here is the email in it's entirety:

"sorry i didnt get back to you yesterday.....was sort of a crazy day. about our conversation on wednesday night....the only thing i can say is whatever....

just in the last week, things have gotten to a point with jessi where she cant handle having the dog and the baby in the same room.....at the moment i have both of them crying and she's in bed.....she's lost it.....

i'm crazy on top of it all.....my life is quickly going to shit.....we cant pay our bills...our van will likely be repossessed in the next couple of weeks....we had to do a payday loan so we could buy groceries for the next week...we have $30 in the bank to last us a week and both cars are on empty and i have a therapy appt next tuesday.....

im not getting a paycheck next friday because my short term extension wont be approved until after payroll is sent out.....and jessi's is gonna be short... maybe 800 total....so we're gonna have to do another payday loan next week to pay rent.....

i have my psychiatrist and my Mayo neurologist arguing over treatment because they disagree over what i actually have....in the meantime my ticks are getting worse......and im not able to hold a job of any kind......

so....when it comes to your "moral dilemmas" or your "trust issues" with me.....i really could care....trust me or dont.....talk to me or dont....i just honestly dont have the energy or the ability to care at the moment.....that is at the bottom of my priority list right now.....ive got more important things to focus on......

go to www.youtube.com/thedailytwitch to see what's going on in my world....

i love you"

The Youtube link used to link up to an old page of mine that no longer exists. I haven't heard from her since. At this point, the ball is in her court. Since the email was sent out, I have been diagnosed with both Tourette's and PTSD. The van was repossessed. We did make the rent payment, somehow, but have struggled to make each subsequent rent payment. I am at a point in my life where I don't know if I'll ever be able to work again.

So, the email still rings true. To quote a line from Jack Nicholson in 'As Good As It Gets': "Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here".