Autobiographical Songs Part V

It seems like from day one of our relationship, my wife and I have been on our own. We have had no one else to count on. Shortly after we met, I lost my family. Hers were in Iowa. We had a number of acquaintances, but no real "friends" to count on, for the most part. Just the two of us, for the better part of four years.

Somehow, we made it. Everyday, our love for each other stronger than the last. We have always been told that we have the perfect relationship...the type of marriage you only see in the movies. We've been together for a little over four years and have never had a fight. We very rarely, if ever, raise our voices around each other. She's into video games. I like to help her pick out clothes. It just works.

The song I am writing about tonight is "our song", 'Chasing Cars' by Snow Patrol. Had we had a "traditional" wedding, this would have been the first dance at our reception. Instead of marrying in Vegas as planned, we got married in our kitchen, the night after Thanksgiving, by our friend Lindsay, with two witnesses in attendance to sign the license. Instead of champagne and wedding cake, we each had a bowl of chocolate chip ice cream.

The song is very simple in it's writing style. It's not overly flowery or wordy. That, I think, is what I like about it. It gets to the point. The first verse describes us perfectly:

"We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone"

We have been through more drama in the four short years that we have been together, than some couples see in a lifetime. Six, count them, six moves, two of which were long distance. Not to mention the loss of my family. The stress associated with the loss of a job and the subsequent unemployment. Pregnancy and the birth of our baby girl. Then my medical/mental issues came to the forefront. We're now dealing with the consequences associated with that. A couple of months ago we lost the family van. Last Friday, I received the last paycheck from my employer that I'll ever get. My career is over. I am expecting a decision from MetLife within the next 24-48 hours with a decision as to whether my long term disability has been approved. Since I can no longer care for myself, we're discussing the possibility of having my wife quit her job to become a caretaker of sorts. So, her career is so to end as well.

My favorite line from the song is one that has been edited out of the U.S. single and radio versions heard here in the States. It says, "I need your grace to remind me to find my own". Just being in my wife's presence makes me a better person. She makes me want to be a better human being. I am who I am today because of her. I wouldn't care about anyone in this world other than myself if it wasn't for trying to copy her selfless attitude, and I don't thank her enough for that. She is the greatest "human" I have ever personally had the pleasure of knowing, and I'm so happy I have her here to instill her values and morals in my daughter and keep me in check as well. I love you Jessi...I knew it from the moment I first saw your eyes.

It took me forever to find the U.K. version of the song. It includes the extra line. Enjoy.



Here is a pic of the two of us from a much less stressful time. It was taken in a photo booth at the 2007 New Mexico State Fair just weeks before we were married. We were a little more punk then and a little less crazy. The pic is currently on our refrigerator. I still smile every time I get the milk.

Autobiographical Songs Part IV

Jehovah's Witnesses don't believe in heaven. Well, not in the traditional sense. They don't consider it to be an option to be their final resting place. They don't believe in hell either.

They believe that when you die, you die....that's it. You become worm food. You lie in the ground. Romantic, isn't it? They believe that soon, god(yes, I am intentionally using a small G), will bring an end to all the evil and wickedness on earth in one big showdown called Armageddon. This is when he will smite all the evil ones with floods, and earthquakes, and lightning bolts shot from his arse. From what I have been taught by my mother, this is the wait awaiting myself and my family for not following god's will.

In October of 2006, My Chemical Romance released 'The Black Parade', an emo powerhouse of an album. Produced by Rob Cavallo, the producer of 'American Idiot', this was a masterpiece of a record from front to back, and easily, the best rock album of the year. Track nine was a little ditty called 'Mama', which actually had a cameo from Liza Minnelli. With the events that were occurring in my life at the time, I especially took pleasure in this track. To this day, I still have a Devilish smile every time I hear it.

Below are the lyrics and the song for those of you who haven't heard it. Enjoy.

Mama, we all go to hell.
Mama, we all go to hell.
I'm writing this letter and wishing you well,
Mama, we all go to hell.

Oh, well, now,
Mama, we're all gonna die.
Mama, we're all gonna die.
Stop asking me questions, I'd hate to see you cry,
Mama, we're all gonna die.

And when we go don't blame us, yeah.
We'll let the fires just bathe us, yeah.
You made us, oh, so famous.
We'll never let you go.
And when you go don't return to me my love.

Mama, we're all full of lies.
Mama, we're meant for the flies.
And right now they're building a coffin your size,
Mama, we're all full of lies.

Well Mother, what the war did to my legs and to my tongue,
You should've raised a baby girl,
I should've been a better son.
If you could coddle the infection
They can amputate at once.
You should've been,
I could have been a better son.

And when we go don't blame us, yeah.
We'll let the fires just bathe us, yeah.
You made us, oh, so famous.
We'll never let you go.

She said: "You ain't no son of mine
For what you've done they're gonna find
A place for you
And just you mind your manners when you go.
And when you go, don't return to me, my love."
That's right.

Mama, we all go to hell.
Mama, we all go to hell.
It's really quite pleasant
Except for the smell,
Mama, we all go to hell.

2 - 3 - 4
Mama! Mama! Mama! Ohhh!
Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma...

[Liza Minelli:] And if you would call me your sweetheart,
I'd maybe then sing you a song

[Gerard Way:] But this shit that I've done with this fuck of a gun,
You would cry out your eyes all along.

We're damned after all.
Through fortune and flame we fall.
And if you can stay then I'll show you the way,
To return from the ashes you call.

We all carry on (We all carry on)
When our brothers in arms are gone (When our brothers in arms are gone)
So raise your glass high
For tomorrow we die,
And return from the ashes you call

Autobiographical Songs Part III

On January 6, 2006, I quit my job with the family business, and, a couple of weeks later, stopped all communication with my family altogether. This caused major mental and emotional issues to develop since the situation was a long time coming. Instead of walking away from my family, it was more like a "mutual disowning". I was no longer a Jehovah's Witness, and had gotten to the point where I was not going to play along with their requirement of living a double life any longer.

I was hurt and confused. I felt like I had done something wrong. I was grieving the loss of my family, especially my mother. Throughout my life, she had been my best friend and the one that had always been there for me. I had set her up on a pedestal for so many years, and I felt as if I had let her down.

In July of 2006, Blue October released the single, 'Hate Me'. I had heard it on the radio a time or two and instantly thought of my mother. I thought of how much I had let her down, and how disappointed she had to be in me.

Later that next month, Jessi, my girlfriend at the time, and I were watching something on TV. Something came on that reminded me of my mother and I started to cry. I cried about the situation quite a bit during that time, but this time was different. My whole upper body jerked, as if I had been hit with defibrillator paddles but I didn't have a bed behind me to catch my shoulders or head.

"Are you OK?"

"I don't kno..." BAM...It happened again.

"What's going on hun?"

"I have no idea"....BAM.....BAM..BAM BAM...By now I'm hysterically crying and jerking uncontrollably. The tics are coming about once every 2-3 seconds, the next more violent than the last. By now my hands are shaking. I know it has to be stress induced.

Jessi draws a hot bath for me. I'm still crying, ticking, shaking....but now rocking front to back. I keep saying to Jessi, "I fucking hate her. I fucking hate her. How can you do this to your own fucking child?"

"I don't know hun. I don't know."

That was the night that I had my first Tourette's tic. I was diagnosed almost three years later, and then diagnosed with PTSD 5 weeks after that. I have had a total of 5 days without a tic since that night in the bathtub. Needless to say it was a pretty memorable night.

So what does this have to do with the song? That was also the night where the role of "Monster" in my mind was played by my mother instead of by me. I used to think that I was the black sheep, the odd man out. I realized that night that I was the one that finally said no to the years of brainwashing an manipulation and abuse at the hands of my mother. The song initially had a meaning to me of "sorry I'm not who you wanted me to be, so I'll drive as far as I can away from you so I can't hurt you anymore". Then, overnight, it became a "look what you tried to do to me, but I was stronger than you, so I'll drive as far as I can away from you so you can't hurt me anymore with what you consider love".

To be honest, the song still throws up some very bad memories. So many, in fact, that I can't even listen to the song without going into a breakdown. I used to sing it all the time at karaoke, but it's to heavy of a song to sing. Still a damn good song. That being said, I haven't previewed the clip below, so forgive me if it is not complete.



Interesting side note: The "in house" portion of the video, where it follows the lead singer through the house, was filmed in one take. They sped the audio track up during filming 300% to get the slow motion effect. The video was filmed in the house he grew up in as a teenager.

Autobiographical Songs Part II

Unrequited love hurts. What's worse is when that person doesn't even realize you exist. Remember Anne Dellisanti? There is another song in my life's movie soundtrack that would have to be related to her.

A Perfect Circle released the song '3 Libras' in February of 2001, almost 9 full years after the release of Radiohead's 'Creep'. I was living in Denver at the time, and, when I first heard the song, I instantly thought of Annie.

With lines like "I threw you the obvious", and "You don't see me", repeating over and over, it's clear that that song is about the ultimate form of rejection: being ignored.
That was my situation. From the time that I was 8, until the time I met my wife, I tried and tried, maybe an hundred times, unsuccessfully.

Honestly, I'm glad things happened the way they did. I love my wife. She's beautiful. Even more so than Anne Dellisanti. She's amazing, and more supportive than I ever could have imagined. I am so much in love. More than I ever thought I ever could have been.



And we make some pretty awesome kids:



My wife can't blame me. She has a bit of a girl crush on Annie sometimes too. We're still friends. She came for my daughter's first birthday party. But to chase a girl for 20 years hoping she'll suddenly see the light and fall in love with you...that doesn't even happen in movies. What I have is a fairy tale ending...a dream come true...what you wish for and pray for every night before you go to bed. All those years, I thought I was wishing for Anne Dellisanti, but it was Jessica Jean Hermes all along. Who would have known?

Autobiographical Songs Part I

We all have those songs that define certain parts of our lives, whether it be high school, a relationship, parenthood, or your mental state for an extended period of time. When thinking of what music defined me, the first song that comes to mind is 'Creep' by Radiohead.

It was released as a single in September of 1992; just as I would be starting my senior year of high school. I had been going to another high school for three years with my name on a waiting list to transfer to Trevor Browne. They had a business/entrepreneurship program that I was interested in (my mom was interested in) and I finally got permission to transfer over.

At my old high school I was alone. I had no friends. I knew no one. At Trevor, there were quite a few students in my classes that were in my local congregation, but I was alone.

You have to realize, I was also the size of a professional football player. I had always been head, shoulders, and nipples taller than everyone else in my class. I started first grade at 5'1" and 140 lbs. I was the circus freak from day one. Add to that the social isolation of being a Witness. "I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo". After years of being bullied and feeling like I didn't have a friend in the world, it seemed like Creep articulated how I had been feeling inside most of my life.

Then there was Anne Dellisanti. I became acquainted with her brothers shortly after moving to Phoenix. I was 8. She was 11. I fell in love with her the day that I had met her. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Still is, next to my wife. 'Creep' was a lot about her. 9 years later..still had a crush on her. The way I think she saw me. The way I think she always saw me. As the "fat kid that hung out with her brothers". There's a segment in the song that says, "I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul. I want you to notice, when I'm not around. You're so very special. I wish I was special". In the album version, the word "very" is replaced with "fucking", which I thought makes it a very angry and bitter sounding song instead of the self pity that you hear in the radio version....anyway...moving on...Every time I hear that song, I think of high school. I think of the bullying. I think of how there were days that I thought it was never going to stop; that I was always going to be "weird".

As I got older, I realized all of the "normal" people were boring. Having a little bit of "weird" in you is not so bad. The following video is a cover of 'Creep' from a taping of 'MTV Unplugged' by Korn. Usually I would post the original video, but their performance was so dead on, you can tell that this song meant as much to them as it did to me.