My Book Of BS, Chapter 1 - God Violates The Laws Of Physics

"And the Lord said, "Fuck science". - Genesis 1:12

My Book Of Bible Stories...Remixed

It was the first book I remember reading as a kid, and the only book I had until probably a couple of years into elementary school.  Over time, the ink on the pages had faded, after years of abuse.  The spine and cover had long disappeared.  In fact, I don't know of a single kid that didn't lose the book's cover at some point.

It was the first book that I was able to read on my own.  My mother used it to teach me how to read.  It was also the tool she used to indoctrinate and brainwash her children.  That ugly yellow book...

35 years later, a group of former Witnesses have taken it upon themselves to rewrite some of their least favorite chapters in 'My Book of Bible Stories'.  They've named it 'My Book of BS', because, let's face it, it's all bullshit. 

While a subreddit was created to post these rebooted Bible stories, I thought it would be fun to share the stories in the order they're printed in the original book.  I'll post a new BS story every few days, for the next couple of weeks.  Hopefully, we can all have a couple of laughs and bring back a good memory or two. 

From the Reddit page:

My Book of Bible Stories is a children's book published by the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society (the organization that rules over Jehovah's Witnesses).

It was designed to make the loathsome stories in the Bible as kid-friendly as possible. The art contained in it was notoriously horrible and the pandering language unintentionally hilarious.

This subreddit was created to rewrite the stories to make them more accurately reflect the truth according to normal modern sensibilities about the backwards, barbaric nature of much of the Bible... and to have a few laughs.

Today, we'll start with an introduction....

 

Protest Sign Of The Day - Republicans Want To Create Jobs (For Your Fetuses)

This sign is from a Walk For Choice protest held in Gainesville, Florida, back in February.  Though it's eight months old, I thought it's message was especially poignant.

Last month, President Obama released The American Jobs Act, a bill that House Majority Leader Eric Cantor publicly called "dead" before it even reached Congress.  Last Thursday, the political party that has been shouting from the rooftops that job creation is their number one priority, spent the entire day debating a new bill.  Was it an alternative to President Obama's job's bill?  Was it an economic stimulus plan?

No.  It was an abortion bill.

The House of Representatives debated and passed the Protect Life Act.  Many critics call it the "Let Women Die Act".  The act essentially does two things.

One, it mandates that no tax payer funds go to fund abortions.  Essentially, they're making a law to back up an existing law.  It would be like Congress holding a special session to write up legislation making murder illegal.  It's already illegal.  Taxpayer money hasn't funded abortions since the early nineties.  They may as well have called this portion of the bill the "Act of Redundancy Act".

The bill also makes it illegal for women to buy health insurance plans for themselves that cover abortions under the Affordable Care Act, also known as the Obama Administration's Health Care Reform Act.

The most controversial and disturbing part of the legislation is in the freedoms it grants to health care providers.  Current law requires hospitals give patients in life threatening situations the care they need, regardless of financial situation or their moral stance.  The Protect Life Act would give an emergency room in, say a Catholic hospital, the right to refuse to perform an abortion on a patient, even if it meant that she would die as a result.

It's likely that the bill will not make it through the Democratic controlled Senate.  If, somehow it does, there is a strong chance that President Obama will veto this monstrosity if it ever reaches his desk.

As I was writing this article, something hit me.  Every single Republican presidential candidate says that their priority is "job creation".  In fact, there was a period of about three months where, regardless of what question you asked Michele Bachmann, she refused to answer it.  During every interview she said that 1.) She was running for the presidency of the United States, and 2.) she was "there to talk about job creation".  It was as if she was a prisoner of war, and she was giving her name, rank and serial number.



Interesting fact: Since announcing her run for the White House, Bachmann has missed 46% of the votes in Congress.  She hasn't cast a single vote, in fact, since the first of August.  Yet, on October 6th, she introduced a piece of legislation called The Heartbeat Informed Consent Act.  It requires abortion providers to show the fetus on an ultrasound to the mother, and play it's heartbeat before the abortion is performed.  Under the law, if the health care provider refuses to show the images or play the audio, they would be subject to a $100,000 fine.

According to Republicans, this is "job creation", folks.  And you wonder why there are thousands of people camped out in New York City.  What bullshit.

Allowable Marriage: According To The Bible (Chart)

Many people today believe in a literal interpretation of the Bible.  They believe that it is actually the word of god.  Since the book of Leviticus says that men lying together "are an abomination", then, in their minds, 6000 years later, obviously god doesn't want people to be having gay sex.  That being said, I thought I would share the other types of marriages that are permissible, according to the Bible.  Pay attention.

Now, the whole rapist/victim match up...that is an abomination.  However, I think the brother-in-law thing still takes place in West Virginia. (shudders)

Video: Alabama Judge Gives Criminals Option Of Church Or Jail Time

Last week, a judge in Bay Minette, Alabama, has started to offer non-violent offenders the option of going to church for 52 consecutive Sundays, in lieu of time in jail.  Nearly 60 churches in the area, from a variety of denominations, are participating in the program.



Thank you, but I'll pass.  Besides, I've been told that the orange jail uniforms really bring out my eyes.

Where Is The Outrage?

So, two days ago, Brit Hume turned a round table of sports picks on Fox News into the 700 Club by going on national television and telling Tiger Woods that the only way that he'll find forgiveness is to abandon Buddhism and become Christian:



That was two days ago. Other than the occasional mention in the blogosphere (and three or four revisits by Andrew Sullivan), I haven't seen or heard anything about this in the mainstream media. Where is the outrage? Where is the call for boycott of advertisers? Why aren't there advertisers dropping from Fox News? Is this something that has come to be expected from them? If Tiger were Muslim, or Jewish, would that have made a difference? Am I not giving it enough time? This is ridiculous!