Allowable Marriage: According To The Bible (Chart)

Many people today believe in a literal interpretation of the Bible.  They believe that it is actually the word of god.  Since the book of Leviticus says that men lying together "are an abomination", then, in their minds, 6000 years later, obviously god doesn't want people to be having gay sex.  That being said, I thought I would share the other types of marriages that are permissible, according to the Bible.  Pay attention.

Now, the whole rapist/victim match up...that is an abomination.  However, I think the brother-in-law thing still takes place in West Virginia. (shudders)

'700 Club': '9/11 Was Foretold In The Bible, Dreamed Of By Hitler'

Rabbi Daniel Lapin was on yesterday's '700 Club' with host, Pat Robertson.  They were discussing the events of September 11, 2001.  Rabbi Lapin had an interesting take on what happened that day.  He claims that the Bible prophesied about 9/11 in the book of Zachariah.  He went on to say that the attacks were "based on a dream Adolf Hitler had in 1943".

And Robertson falls for it, hook, line and sinker:



Of course, Pat Robertson is the individual that blamed the Washington D.C. earthquake on gay marriage in New York. (I'm still trying to figure that one out.)  He also blamed the earthquake in Haiti last January on a literal "pact with the Devil" the Haitian people made over a hundred years ago.  So, it's no stretch of the imagination that he would believe that a terrorist attack was 70 years in the making.

So, Al Qaeda in a round about way, collaborated with the Nazis?  Right...

Photo Of The Day

Autographed by whom, exactly?

Via Jesus Needs New PR

Introducing...The NASCAR Bible

I know.  First time I heard those two words together, I threw up a little in my mouth, too.  Yeah, it exists.  And, as much as it sounds like a gag from 'Talladega Nights', it's not a joke.  Since NASCAR doesn't officially endorse it, it's called the 'Holy Bible: Stock Car Racing Edition'.

I'm surprised I am just now hearing about this.  It has been on the shelves since September of 2009.  You would think that with it being the "Stock Car Bible", a number of things would have changed in the translation.  Dale and Junior would show up listed in Jesus' lineage.  Christ would have changed water to Bud Light.  The account in the Gospels of Jesus cleansing the Temple of the money changers would have read, "And Jesus walked in to the Temple, like Patrick Swayze in that one scene from 'Roadhouse', right?  Hell yeah!"

Instead, it's the NIV (New International Version) translation.  The Amazon link above is full of humor.  The product description:

"Featuring exciting and inspiring full-color inserts with photos of and insights from stock car racing's finest personalities, the NIV Thinline Bible: Stock Car Edition is sure to be a motorsports fan's favorite Bible. Motor Racing Outreach, a ministry to the world of motorsports, has partnered with Zondervan to create this Bible designed to delight race fans. MRO brings testimonies and photographs of the popular race personalities with whom they work on a daily basis---the drivers, the pit crews, the media spokespeople, and others associated with the world of racing. Combined with the complete text of the New International Version and offered in two innovative and cost-effective bindings, this title will make a wonderful gift for the true racing fan."

Even better are some of the reviews:

"5.0 out of 5 Stars "This Bible is just what I've been looking for" by Cal Noughton, Jr.

This Bible is awesome, cause I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt which says "I want to be formal, but I'm here to party, too." 'Cause I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party. I like to think of Jesus with giant eagle's wings, singing lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd, with an angel band, and I'm in the front row, and I'm hammered drunk."      

 Clearly making fun of the book.  Then again, I can't tell which reviews aren't making fun of the book.

"Boogity, boogity, boogity, Amen."

Video: Evangelist Swindles Teenagers Out Of Thousands

"Once you drink of his presence and his word, it is your duty to turn back around and give back to that which has offered you the drink."

Unbelievable.  By the way...that may sound like a Bible verse.  It's not.  But to the gullible, largely teen congregation in the video below, it sounds just as "true" as the rest of the "gospel" that has been preached to them.



I guess the Bible is no longer printed with Matthew chapter ten.  It was when I was a kid.  In it, Jesus said,

8“Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers, cast out demons. Freely you received, freely give. 9“Do not acquire gold, or silver, or copper for your money belts, 10or a bag for your journey, or even two coats, or sandals, or a staff; for the worker is worthy of his support."

Then again, Evangelicals today believe in a literal translation of the Bible.  Since Jesus didn't specifically mention a million dollar home or a Mercedes Benz they can technically justify their actions before god, right?

And American feel threatened by radical Islam?  Please. 

My New Favorite Website

Courtesy of Dumb Shit The Bible Says.  That's right, www.dumbshitthebiblesays.com.

"Early in the morning, as he was on his way back to the city, he was hungry."

"Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, 'May you never bear fruit again!' Immediately the tree withered."

— Matthew 21:18-19

YOU ARE THE FUCKING SON OF GOD. WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING WITH A FIG TREE.

Graph: Contradictions In The Bible

The Reason Project released a fascinating graph a couple of months ago documenting the contradictions found in the Bible.  With each contradiction, an arch is placed on the graph connecting the two scriptures.  There are a lot of red lines.  439 instances, many with multiple contradictions.  Of course, this isn't news to some people.

I Have Seen Death...And It's Pretty Friggin' Creepy

I was never told the story of Hanzel and Gretel or Sleeping Beauty (because of the "witchcraft"), but as a child, I learned, in detail, the prophecies of the bible book of Revelation.  They were my childhood versions of scary nursery rhymes.  For a kid, some of the verses had some pretty scary shit.  There were lions that breathed fire and had snakes for tails.  What really scared me though, were the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

The Horsemen are spoken of in the sixth chapter of the book of Revelation.  They each ride on a different colored horse, white, black, red and pale or green (depending on which bible version you're reading).  Each Horseman/horse is symbolic.  I could go on for an hour about their symbolism, but to make a long story short, we're going to focus on the pale horse and it's rider.

Revelation 6:7-8 reads:

"When the Lamb opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature say, "Come!" I looked and there before me was a pale horse! Its rider was named Death, and Hell was following close behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the earth to kill by sword, famine and plague, and by the wild beasts of the earth."

The rider of the pale horse was the harbinger of death.  As a kid, the pale rider scared the living shit out of me.  I had nightmares about him. What does this have to do with Super Bowl Sunday 2011?  A video was shot and distributed by Euronews of the protests in Egypt.  It has made it's way around the blogs online, and onto CNN and MSNBC.  It shows a green, ghost like figure, resembling a man riding a horse riding through a crowd of protesters and then over their heads, before disappearing into the air.  The "figure" appears at the center of the frame and moves from left to right at about the 1:18 mark of the video:



As an atheist, not only do I no longer believe in the prophecies in Revelation, but I believe there is a logical and scientific explanation for the image in the video.  I must admit however, when seeing it for the first time, a cold chill ran up my spine.  The memories of the stories came back.  They were memories that I would rather have left forgotten.

Gay People Can Read The Bible Too

Um...OOPS! How about this? Let's make a compromise. We will give up the push for gay marriage if we are able to compile a list of all registered Republican women that were not virgins at the time of their marriage. If they're willing to make their sacrifice according to "God's Word", so will we. Somehow, I don't see that happening.