Today In "Ew, Get The Fuck Off Of Me!" (NSFW)

The video below is a demonstration of a real product currently on the market.  It's called the "My Little Secret Talking Head MP3 Vibrator".  Believe it or not, you can buy one on Amazon.

The product description is as follows.  I am pasting it as-is, punctuation errors and all:

"The talking head mp3 vibrator is a rabbit vibe with state of the art cd-quality speakers that talks dirty to you. you can enjoy your most intimate fantasies with sexy strangers or have your lover instantly record your favorite audio fantasy to suit any erotic occasion. you can download dozens of fantasy lovers or record your own fantasy with cd-quality sampling technology. the talking head is very enjoyable with the headphones or with the sound off. it delivers a range of vibrator speeds and modes, including separate controls for the rabbit. the base has rotating pearls that add intensity to your sensual experience"

While the product may sound intriguing in theory, your curiosity, as well as your libido will take a dive, once the device is turned on:



No.  No.  No.  Just....NO!

That may be the first time I have ever been skeeved out by a sex toy.  Who could have possibly thought that was "sexy"?!  Even gay men would be screaming, "Get the fuck away from me!", after turning that thing on.  It's has that universal "dry heave" factor.

And what's with the name?  "My Little Secret"?  What is your secret?  That you're doing you're dad's drunk boss?  What, was "Date Rape in a Can" already trademarked?

I love how the vibrator came first.  Quality product.

Introducing...The NASCAR Bible

I know.  First time I heard those two words together, I threw up a little in my mouth, too.  Yeah, it exists.  And, as much as it sounds like a gag from 'Talladega Nights', it's not a joke.  Since NASCAR doesn't officially endorse it, it's called the 'Holy Bible: Stock Car Racing Edition'.

I'm surprised I am just now hearing about this.  It has been on the shelves since September of 2009.  You would think that with it being the "Stock Car Bible", a number of things would have changed in the translation.  Dale and Junior would show up listed in Jesus' lineage.  Christ would have changed water to Bud Light.  The account in the Gospels of Jesus cleansing the Temple of the money changers would have read, "And Jesus walked in to the Temple, like Patrick Swayze in that one scene from 'Roadhouse', right?  Hell yeah!"

Instead, it's the NIV (New International Version) translation.  The Amazon link above is full of humor.  The product description:

"Featuring exciting and inspiring full-color inserts with photos of and insights from stock car racing's finest personalities, the NIV Thinline Bible: Stock Car Edition is sure to be a motorsports fan's favorite Bible. Motor Racing Outreach, a ministry to the world of motorsports, has partnered with Zondervan to create this Bible designed to delight race fans. MRO brings testimonies and photographs of the popular race personalities with whom they work on a daily basis---the drivers, the pit crews, the media spokespeople, and others associated with the world of racing. Combined with the complete text of the New International Version and offered in two innovative and cost-effective bindings, this title will make a wonderful gift for the true racing fan."

Even better are some of the reviews:

"5.0 out of 5 Stars "This Bible is just what I've been looking for" by Cal Noughton, Jr.

This Bible is awesome, cause I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt which says "I want to be formal, but I'm here to party, too." 'Cause I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party. I like to think of Jesus with giant eagle's wings, singing lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd, with an angel band, and I'm in the front row, and I'm hammered drunk."      

 Clearly making fun of the book.  Then again, I can't tell which reviews aren't making fun of the book.

"Boogity, boogity, boogity, Amen."

Borders Announces Liquidation

At 4:10PM, Borders announced that it plans to liquidate it's remaining 399 stores effective immediately.  Stores will start final liquidation sales as early as this Friday.

The move will put more than 11,000 out of work, 10,700 store employees and approximately 400 at their Ann Arbor, Michigan, headquarters.

The rise in e-reader sales, which Borders was a late adapter, coupled with rising competition from online retailers such as Amazon, are directly responsible for the slide in sales at the retailer.  It's a sad day when the nation's second largest bookstore goes out of business.  A very sad day.

Finally, A Children's Book I Can Relate To

You know you've wanted to say it.  I've said it to myself practically every night for the last year and a half.  Now, you can tell your precious little boy or girl to "Go the fuck to sleep", without feeling like a horrible parent.

Via Amazon:

"Go the Fuck To Sleep is a bedtime book for parents who live in the real world, where a few snoozing kitties and cutesy rhymes don't always send a toddler sailing off to dreamland. Honest, profane, and affectionate, Adam Mansbach's verses and Ricardo Cortés' illustrations perfectly capture the familiar—and unspoken—tribulations of putting your little angel down for the night, and open up a conversation about parenting in the process. Beautiful, subversive, and pants-wettingly funny, Go the Fuck to Sleep is a perfect gift for parents new, old, or expectant. Here is a sample verse: 

The cats nestle close to their kittens now.
The lambs have laid down with the sheep.
You're cozy and warm in your bed, my dear
Please go the fuck to sleep."

Adam Mansbach advised that this is his "first children's book. You probably should not read it to actual children, and if you do, he cannot be held legally responsible."  


The book is not scheduled to come out until October, and it is already the #1 bestseller on Amazon's "Parenting and Families" list.  It looks like I'm not alone at night.

Umm, Bitter?

This sign was seen on the doors of a Borders bookstore in Chicago, Illinois, over the weekend.  As many of you know, they are currently in the process of closing 200 stores, or approximately 30% of their locations, nationwide.  This is, in part, due to the fact that they are no longer able to compete with online giants such as Amazon.com, or even BN.com (Barnes & Noble).

For the record, Amazon technically does have restrooms.  I pee while on Amazon.com all the time, and I don't get the disapproving looks from others like I get from the customers at Borders.