Word Of The Day: "Hitchling"

From the Urban Dictionary:

Jessi and I are, without a doubt, raising a hitchling.  We are so proud.

You Can't Say She Didn't Try

We have a rule in our family:  If it makes mommy and daddy laugh, the kid doesn't get punished.  This little girl would have been let off the hook.  No problem.

My Little Girl Is A Genius

It's bizarre how her little mind works.  She asked a question about the "big penny" she had in her hand.  It was so mind blowing I had to record it and post it on YouTube.  Take a look:



She also said it looks like a "paint factory".  I haven't quite translated that one, yet.  Her thought process is just staggering sometimes.

We have had her intelligence level tested by a psychologist within the last few months.  When it came to reasoning and logic, she tested on a 9 to 11 year old level.  She was making correlations on the test that were stumping a couple of us.

For example, there would be six pictures on a page, two sets of three.  On the surface, none of the pictures had any relation to each other.  She would say (for example, I don't remember any specifics), "The balloon flies and the bird flies".  And her memory.  My lord.  She was able to remember, and repeat back, a sequence of five or six numbers in a row.  She's only three.

I started teaching her how to play chess yesterday.  We focused on the names of the pieces and how each piece moved.  She still has a hard time grasping the concept of strategy.  We play Tic-Tac-Toe, and you can tell that there are times that she understands that she needs to block me.  Other times, she's just blindly dropping Xs.

Still she makes Mommy and Daddy extremely proud.

My Little Civil Rights Activist

The three of us were running errands this morning, and pulled into a parking lot next to a flat bed tow truck.  The truck was in the final moments of picking up a car, and was about to pull out.

Lennon asked us what kind of truck that was in the parking lot.  We explained that it was called a tow truck.  I told her that it picks up cars, and takes them to the mechanic if they need to be fixed.  Then, I said that sometimes the tow truck picks up cars and takes them to the police station.

Instantly, she had a concerned look on her face.  She said, "They can't take those cars to the police station, Daddy.  People need those cars to go to work."

I looked at her with a smile on my face.  "That's right, honey.  They sure do.  Give me a high five."

She makes daddy so proud.

This Is How NOM Publishes A Baby Announcement

On September 30th, Jared Polis, a gay Congressman from Colorado, and his partner, Marlon Reis, announced the birth of their son, Caspian.  No information was disclosed as to the baby's mother, because, honestly, it's no one's business.  This was a notable birth announcement, in that Polis became the first openly gay parent in Congress.  The announcement from Polis and Reis read as follows:

"Marlon & Jared are proud to announce the arrival of Caspian Julius: 8 pounds 12 ounces, Born September 30th 2011

Baby and parents are doing well, baby has learned to cry already!

No gifts please, just nice thoughts for Caspian, humankind, the planet, and the universe!"

Many news websites and political blogs noted the birth.  All reported the news positively.  Many offered their congratulations and well wishes.  After all, how is the birth of a beautiful, healthy baby boy a negative thing in this world?

If you were to believe the news from the National Organization for Marriage, you would think that Caspian's birth was a harbinger of the end of the world.  This was their headline, announcing the baby's birth:

What a horrible way to spin the birth of a child.  This little boy is going to have two parents, in a secure, stable home, that love him.  And, simply because those parents are both male, NOM automatically considers him "at risk" or "disadvantaged".  This is nothing less than hate speech, and it was specifically targeted at Polis.

Rep. Polis is the co-sponsor of the Every Child Deserves A Family Act.  The act "bans discrimination in adoption or foster care placement based on the sexual orientation, marital status or gender identity of the potential parent, or the sexual orientation or gender identity of the child".

It's a wonder they didn't call little Caspian the Anti-Christ.

Video: Parenting FAIL!

I've heard it said, many times, that all evil in this world comes from either Florida or Germany.  While I find that hard to believe, this mother isn't helping the stereotype.



Yes, she's having her little boy, who can't be more than four or five "beer bong" a CapriSun.  There are so many things wrong with this video, I don't know where to start.

I'm starting to think that if you're a resident of Florida, the number for Child Protective Services should automatically be pre-programmed into your cell phone when you get it from your carrier.  It would be a nice time saver for the responsible people of the state.

Video: Pageant Mom Dresses Daughter As Prostitute

As if child beauty pageants aren't controversial enough, already.  TLC has released a promotional clip for an upcoming episode of 'Toddlers and Tiaras'.  In it, Paisley comes out dressed up as her favorite actress, Julia Roberts.  Take a look.



PARENTING FAIL!!

Paisley's mother spoke to TMZ today, trying to defend herself.  She says that due to creative editing on the part of TLC, she's made to look like a bad mom.  Paisley had another outfit that day:  the dress that Julia Roberts wore at the end of 'Pretty Woman'.  See?

No harm, no foul.  She's "a modern day Cinderella".  She says, "I'm raising my child just as well as any mother does ... I take my kid to church every week ... at least I'm not forcing them into sports and getting my child injured like some parents."

Maybe not physical injuries, but that kid is going to have a mountain of therapy bills.  Is she really so blind that she doesn't realize that she dressed her 3 year old up like a hooker on national television?

The Greatest Internet Troll Of All Time

According to Wikipedia, an internet troll is defined as the following:

"In internet slang, a troll is someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community, such as an online discussion forum, chat room, or blog, with the primary intent of provoking readers into an emotional response or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion."

 I am pleased to introduce Muriel J. Compton.  Either "Muriel" is the greatest internet troll to have ever lived, or a woman in need of serious help.  If this is an act, she is on an Andy Kaufman level of comedic genius.

Muriel has been making the rounds at the Babycenter.com forums for years now.  It has just been in the last couple of weeks that she has become well known outside the Baby Center circle.  I happened across one of her posts that have recently gone viral.  Last year, in the Baby Center forums, she posed the following question:

"Dinosaurs are one of Satan's many ways of tricking man", much like gravity, magnets, and the fact that the Earth goes around the Sun.  At first glance, I thought, "This has to be a joke".  Then, I discovered more posts from Muriel covering the last two to three years.  Check out this one, posted in October of 2008:

"As a Christian, should I allow my children to dress for Halloween?  Every year when my children see the costumes at the stores for Halloween, they ask me why they are not allowed to dress in them. I always tell them because Halloween is the Devil's holiday, and just because they see people in the world doing things, doesn't mean they should do them. Halloween, to me, is a holiday that glorifies Satan. I see masks with the Devil's horns, ghosts (souls never become ghosts, they always go to Heaven or Hell), demons, witches, pagan fairies, and other scary creatures that are not pleasing to God. I get many negative comments from other parents saying I am mean and my kids must never have any fun, which is not true. They have many fun activities with the church that we do. But recently I was talking to my neighbor, who is also a Christian, although she does allow her children to wear costumes. She just won't let them be anything that is evil. They are allowed to dress as cats, dogs, and other creatures of God's. I see this as being OK, but there is always the issue of the meaning behind Halloween and the Satanic pagan rituals that are a part of it, and I certainly wouldn't want to confuse my children by telling them that one aspect of it is OK, but one aspect is not. Can you think of reasons which glorify God to wear a costume, so that we can honor the Lord if I do allow them to dress for this holiday? One idea I had is to dress them in clothing like children growing up when Jesus did would have worn. I have prayed for guidance but the Lord seems to be telling me to decide for myself what is right."

Mom, is that you?

After receiving numerous inflammatory comments on the above post, Muriel, in true troll fashion, started a completely new thread to say that she wasn't a troll...or a liar.  Why she couldn't simply post an additional comment on the existing thread is beyond me.

"I am not a troll or a liar.  A member questioned the fact that I am a new grandmother and homeschool my children. Both are true. I have five children that range in age from 4 to 24."  

If that isn't the definition of troll, I don't know what is.

I for one, don't know whether to be the president of Muriel's fan club, or call Child Protective Services on her.  I would like to think that Muriel is a thirty something guy in New York City that is taking his frustrations out on the Christian Right by inventing this character with such antiquated beliefs.  However, growing up as I did, raised by a mother very similar to Muriel, I have a sinking feeling that this is all too real.

I was never allowed dinosaur toys as a child.  My mom did believe that dinosaurs once existed, but were washed away by the flood of Noah.  I couldn't Trick or Treat, as Halloween was a "holiday for Satan".  I wasn't allowed to watch The Smurfs or He-Man.  I couldn't even watch Star Wars as a kid, since my mom believed that "the force" was a religion.

If these posts are legitimate, I truly feel sorry for those children.  The future can not look good for the Compton household.  It will likely involve a healthy dose of bitterness and jaded feelings toward the family matriarch.  I can say this from experience.

If you're looking for a good laugh, Muriel has recently restarted her account with babycenter.com, and has been vehemently defending herself, as of late.  Good stuff.  

Google Strikes Gold With 'Dear Sophie' Commercial

You may have read my post last week about Google's 'It Gets Better' commercial that aired during 'Glee'.  Google hit it out of the park again last week with 'Dear Sophie'.  According to Google, the message behind these commercials is "the web is what you make of it".  Quoting Google:

"More and more, the web is simply just part of your life and helps you get things done. See how people are using the web to do amazing things. The web is what you make of it."

A perfect example is what Daniel Lee, a new father, did for his daughter using only an email account and a series of pictures videos.  The results are incredibly touching and inspiring.  Grab a tissue.

Finally, A Children's Book I Can Relate To

You know you've wanted to say it.  I've said it to myself practically every night for the last year and a half.  Now, you can tell your precious little boy or girl to "Go the fuck to sleep", without feeling like a horrible parent.

Via Amazon:

"Go the Fuck To Sleep is a bedtime book for parents who live in the real world, where a few snoozing kitties and cutesy rhymes don't always send a toddler sailing off to dreamland. Honest, profane, and affectionate, Adam Mansbach's verses and Ricardo Cortés' illustrations perfectly capture the familiar—and unspoken—tribulations of putting your little angel down for the night, and open up a conversation about parenting in the process. Beautiful, subversive, and pants-wettingly funny, Go the Fuck to Sleep is a perfect gift for parents new, old, or expectant. Here is a sample verse: 

The cats nestle close to their kittens now.
The lambs have laid down with the sheep.
You're cozy and warm in your bed, my dear
Please go the fuck to sleep."

Adam Mansbach advised that this is his "first children's book. You probably should not read it to actual children, and if you do, he cannot be held legally responsible."  


The book is not scheduled to come out until October, and it is already the #1 bestseller on Amazon's "Parenting and Families" list.  It looks like I'm not alone at night.

My Princess Boy

Just saw a story from Dangerous Minds about the lengths a family and a school will go to to make a child feel safe and accepted.  It's really a heartwarming story.  A family in Seattle has a five year old son that likes to wear dresses and dress up like a princess and in jewelery.  At first, his mom thought he was dressing up this way because there was a lack of boys costumes at school.  When her son was dressed in a yellow dress after she donated kung fu outfits to play in, she knew it wasn't a fluke.

This video was produced by a local program in Seattle.



Her book is also available on Amazon.

Our Moment Of Silence

As a family, we observed the moment of silence for the five young gay men that took their own lives this month.  Afterward, we told our two year old daughter that no matter what she does, or who she becomes, we will always be there to support her, stand up for her, and fight for her.

She looked right at us, and said "OK guys".

My heart hurts right now for the parents of those kids.

Father Of Disabled Teen Threatens Bullies

Found this on Boing Boing today.  A man in Florida was arrested after boarding a school bus and threatening the kids that were bullying his disabled daughter.  The boys had put open condoms on her head and smacked her repeatedly.  The fuckers got off easy.

What I can't believe about this clip is how upset the boys' parents are.  If it was my kid that was tormenting a girl with Cerebral Palsy, I would have told him that he got what he deserved.  Then, I would have beat the shit out of him. Somehow, the parent defending his kid is painted as the bad guy, and not the teenage boys that had been regularly assaulting a girl with a disability.  I don't get it.

I Think My Daughter Is Showing OCD Traits

Since I was diagnosed with Tourette's, I have been told to keep an eye out with my daughter for OCD tendencies. They're usually a precursor for Tourette's Syndrome in children. My little girl has always sorted her books, as well as the CDs, DVDs, and video games in the house; more like inventory taking than anything OCD related. Yesterday, though, she did something that got my attention.

We were having lunch at Red Robin. She had a cup of apples that came with her macaroni and cheese. The apples were just randomly thrown into the cup when they came to the table. She removed all of the apples from the cup and put them all back in in a straight line. It was adorable, but worrisome:



Maybe it's nothing. Maybe it's the first step in a long road of many steps to come. It still worries me a bit as a parent.

One Small Leak For My Daughter, One Giant Leap For Parenthood

My daughter, Lennon, turned 17 months old today. Over the last six weeks or so, she has been showing signs that she is ready to start potty training. We went to Ikea about a month or so ago and bought a cute little pink "big girl potty" for her to use.

For the last month, she has thought it was everything from a seat to watch TV in, to a step stool. She just didn't get it...until this last week or so. For roughly the last 10 days, every time she had to go to the bathroom, or just went, she would strip naked. It was like living with a midgit nudist. Funny as all hell, but inappropriate.

When she starts taking her diaper off, that's our que to grab the pink "big girl potty" and try to get her to use it. No success. One night she farted in it. We laughed and applauded. She got so excited, she stood up and took a dump on our living room carpet. Last night, right before bed time, she was sitting on her potty and proceeded to stand up, walk over to the borrowed copy of "Where the Wild Things Are" (See post 'Where The Wild Things Are' dated 10/6/2009)....yes that one, squat and piss ON a "Wild Thing". I now have to call the library to see what the process is to purchase a urinated on children's book.

That brings us to today. I am in the kitchen. My wife is with the baby in Lennon's room. Jessi starts screaming, "Adam, bring M&Ms!!!" I yell back, "What?! We don't have any. What the hell for?"

"Come here".

I ran into Lennon's room and there stood my daughter pointing at a small puddle of orange liquid in a pink plastic bowl. It was one of the proudest moments of my life. I didn't have any M&Ms to give her, but we did have quite a few hugs and high fives. Way to go big girl.

Where The Wild Things Are

Over the last three to four months, my wife and I have developed a morning and nighttime ritual. It never changes. I wake our daughter up in the morning, say our "good mornings", talk about our dreams, change her, and get her dressed for the day. This gives my wife and extra 15-20 minutes of sleep each day.

At night, I make the baby her bottle, mom changes her into her pajamas, and reads her her bedtime stories before putting her to bed. A couple of nights ago, we were able to switch roles.

I have been seeing the trailer for the 'Where The Wild Things Are' motion picture for the last two weeks, and it looks amazing. I REALLY WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE. Funny thing is, I have never read the book. I was never allowed to. Don't ask me why. I don't know. Maybe it was the "monsters". I honestly don't know.

Jehovah's Witness parents are like paranoid schizophrenic Amish. They will deny the simplest things to their children for the most ridiculous reasons. The following are a small list of things that were banned from my house:

Smurfs - magic (and the cat's name was also the name of a demon)
Rainbow Brite - magic
G.I. Joe - Armed Forces
Water Guns - looked like guns
'Star Wars' - mom thought "the Force" was a religion
He Man - no fucking clue, magic I think
'Wizard of Oz', 'Sleeping Beauty', 'Snow White', 'Sword and the Stone' - all because of magic

Hell, I had a close friend that wasn't allowed to watch 'Beauty and the Beast' because her mother felt it promoted bestiality.

By the time I became an adult, I still wanted to read 'Where The Wild Things Are', but I felt weird ravaging through the children's section at the local library in order to read it. When I started seeing the previews for the movie, I became determined. Both myself, and my daughter, would get to know this book. So, I went to the library and picked up a copy.

When I read it to my daughter at bedtime, she loved it. So did I. I really do not know what my mom was so afraid of. It just proved that all of her decisions that she made were done blindly.

It was such a pleasant book. A little boy is in his wolf suit and is causing trouble at home. He's sent to his room without dinner. He travels to an imaginary place where he becomes "King of the Wild Things". He becomes homesick after smelling dinner and travels back to his room. HOW ON EARTH IS THAT HARMFUL ON AN IMPRESSIONABLE YOUTH? My daughter loved it. She kept pointing to all the pictures. After reading the book, she climbed on top of me and fell asleep on my shoulder. I love being an open minded dad.

I Am A Rockstar Dad or How Bohemian Rhapsody Makes My Daughter Vomit

The last few days, every time our daughter says "Mama", my wife and I both say, "Oh oh oh oh". We're hoping to have her know all the words to 'Bohemian Rhapsody' by the time she is two. We're sick like that.

Anyway, my wife was indisposed, and the baby had a poopy diaper. It was my turn to change the nasty diaper, so I picked up the baby and laid her down on her changing table to be changed. As I am changing her, I start singing 'Bohemian Rhapsody'. I'm doing the voices and everything. She's loving it.

I get to the "Galileo" part, and I'm zooming in and out in front of her face. She's cracking up. Her eyes are bigger than I have ever seen them. Her mouth is open wide and going back and forth between a smile and a big "O" shape.

By the time I'm singing "Let him go!", I've forgotten about putting the new diaper back on. She's hysterical. She has the hiccups and is clapping. I feel like I'm opening up for Robin Williams at the Improv.

Then comes the greatest line of one of the most legendary rock songs ever written: "Beelzebub has a devil put a side for me...for meeee.....FOR MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" Just as I hit the high note, my daughter's face goes from a look of pure joy to "I'm not so sure about this".

Suddenly, thick chunky dark green sludge launched about eight inches out of my daughter's mouth. It covers my arms, my hands, her stomach, shirt, face and hair. My first thought: "HOLY FUCK!". Second thought: "Jimi Hendrix, Jimi Hendrix". My daughter was still on her back and she was choking on her own vomit. I turned her over on her stomach, gave her a couple of good thwacks on the back until she started breathing OK, and stood her up.

I was as cool and as calm as could be, like I had done this a hundred times. Any other time, I would have been blowing chunks all over the bedroom, but I grabbed a handful of baby wipes, and started cleaning the little squirt down. This was the first time she had puked and was old enough to be aware of what was going on. I was cleaning her off. She looked at me, slowly looked down at herself, and yelled "Mama". And into the shower she went.

I was so proud of myself. I handled it like a pro. Almost more like a roadie than a dad. Let's put it this way...if I would have been on Janis Joplin's detail, she'd probably still be alive.