Sunday Confessional: I Need A Financial Bailout

I was sitting at dinner and thought that it might be interesting to try a regular weekly post on The Twitch.  I wanted to write something that had a little depth to it.  I realized that it has been a while since I have talked about the things that have really been bothering me.  I started this site to discuss my Tourette's and PTSD, among other things, and have found it very therapeutic to let things out.

That being said, I have decided that every Sunday, I am going to have a post called 'Sunday Confessional'.  Each week, I'll write about my medical conditions, or childhood memories or what has been troubling me from the previous week.  I promise to be extremely honest and open.  I won't hold anything back, although, I'm sure on some subjects I probably should.  I know that by the time I have figured all of this out for this week, I probably won't technically post this piece until Monday AM.  But, as long as I started it on Sunday, it still theoretically counts as a Sunday post, right?

This week, I have decided to write about the one thing that keeps me up most nights...money.  Or, should I say, the lack of it.

Three years ago, when Lennon was born, my wife and I both worked as trainers for a major cell phone company.  We were living very comfortably, making roughly $125,000 a year between the two of us.  We were able to buy all of the babies furniture and clothing in advance and pay cash.  We had a very nice three bedroom apartment.  Right after she was born, we purchased a brand new Dodge Grand Caravan minivan with all the options.  With our income, it was no sweat to take care of two car payments, along with our other bills.  We were doing so well financially, that we would regularly max out our credit cards, then pay them all off in a matter of 60 days.  We would do that repeatedly.  My credit score was amazing.

In September of 2008, we moved from Albuquerque to Phoenix, to be closer to family.  Both of us were able to transfer with work into technical support positions at the same pay.  We moved into a beautiful three bedroom house with a garage.  It was the perfect house for us.  My wife cried the day we moved out, in fact. Things were good.  We were home.  We had our first Christmas as a family of three, tree and all.

By February of '09, things had taken a decidedly downward turn for me, medically.  Wait.  Let me back up a minute.

I had my first tic in August of 2006.  I had no idea what it was.  It was so violent, I thought I was having a seizure.  That first night, I didn't know what to do.  Jessi (my wife) and I were panicking.  She drew a hot bath, and I sat in the bathtub for nearly an hour...shaking.  I remember just repeatedly asking her, "What's going on?  Should we go to the hospital?" Over the next two and a half years, the tics came more frequently and got progressively worse.

OK.  Back to February 2009.  My job required me to speak on the phone for 8 hours a day.  I worked in a call center.  Not only were my tics getting so bad that I was essentially "barking" during my calls, but I was getting so loud, that my coworker's customers could hear me.  Here is a video that I shot on webcam in early June of 2009.  It should give you an idea of the types of tics that I had at that time.

Add to that my increasing mental distress.  People don't call technical support to say that "everything's OK, and you folks are doing a great job".  Something is broken and needs to be fixed.  Often, the customer on the other end of the line is pissed off.  They're pressed for time.  They don't want to go through the troubleshooting steps with you.  They just want their phone to work NOW.  The stress of the situation effected me.  Out of an 8 hour work day, I was locking myself in a restroom stall up to 6 hours, on some days.  Other days, just the sound of the customer's voice on the other end of the line, would cause me to vomit in my waste basket, often during the first call of the day.  That's if I had the courage to make it up the stairs to my desk.  On two occasions, the thought of going into work caused me to "soil myself" in the parking lot.

I went out on Short Term Disability in April of 2009.  Short Term is a great option, but like Long Term, which kicked in that October, you're paid only 60% of your base pay.  You no longer get any shit differential, incentives, bonuses or commissions like you did as a full time employee of the company.  So, my pay actually took a cut from about $4800.00, to $1983.00 a month.  40% of what I was taking home.

In June of that year, my wife went out on disability, due to complications that occurred during Lennon's delivery.  So, both of us were making about 40% of what we were accustomed to at that point.  On June 25th, I was diagnosed with Tourette's Syndrome.  The following month, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, as a result of years of emotional and physical abuse from my parents and scores of childhood bullies.  I immediately was placed on Long Term Disability (which is set to expire this October), and was told to fill out paperwork for Social Security Disability.

Somehow, we managed to keep up most of our bills for the next year.  The first thing to get set aside were the credit cards.  Then we got behind on the van.  We had to voluntarily surrender it last June.  Interesting fact:  once a vehicle is repossessed and sold at auction, you still owe the difference between the loan amount and sale price.  Nice, huh?  We moved out of our three bedroom/2000 square ft. house, and into a 600 square ft./1 bedroom apartment to save money.  We put Lennon in the bedroom.  Jessi and I put our bed in the living room.  Very cumbersome, to say the least.

It got to the point were we had no room for our dog, Ollie.  Our little apartment was so cramped, he couldn't walk anywhere.  Our friends, Lori and Zach, offered to watch him for a while, so that he would have space to play and run in their yard.  We didn't want to see him go, but it was necessary.  Lennon really missed him.

Around the first of February, we received a letter in the mail, stating that Jessi's disability payments had been terminated.  One of her doctors had not submitted supporting documentation as requested, and they had determined that she was ready to go back to work.  She wasn't.  Suddenly, our income was cut in half.  In a matter of two and a half years, our yearly household income had gone from $125,000 to just under $24,000. It has been there ever since.

Let me tell you, a family of three cannot realistically live on $24,000 a year.  You don't make enough to make ends meet, but you make too much to qualify for most government programs.  At $1999.00 a month, my family brings in almost $400 a month too much to qualify for food stamps or Section 8 housing.  Currently, since my daughter is still 3 years old, we qualify for WIC, which gives us 2 boxes of cereal, a jar of peanut butter, a pound of cheese, one dozen eggs, 3 gallons of 1% milk and about $6.00 of fresh fruit per month.

In may, I received my acceptance letter from Social Security.  With it, we received a direct deposit for the "retro pay" for the 25 months of payments that were due to me during my official disability period.  Here's what sucks about the retro pay:  it all goes back to my Long Term Disability provider, since they have sent me a monthly check for the last two years.  I had no choice but to spend some of it.  At the time that it came in, our checking account was in the negative.  We were three months behind on our car payment, two months past due on our electric bill and a month past due on our car insurance.  I also needed to replace my broken cell phone.

Every so often we get lucky.  This month is a different story.

In July, I got a letter from the IRS saying that since I was now receiving Social Security benefits, they could levy my disability check to pay for back taxes owed in 2004, when I worked for my parent's business.  I called them to explain our financial situation.  They agreed to put me in an "indefinite noncollectable status".  The status wasn't approved until three days before my direct deposit went through, not enough time for the levy to be stopped for August.

Between the automatic payments that came out of our checking account, the negative balance at the time the deposit came in and the IRS levy, our checking account balance after our monthly deposit came through was $28.00.  It's the 29th of the month, and I have no idea where our rent or car payment or electric bill are going to come from.

Being poor sucks.  You never get used to it.  You can only adjust, and it's one major fucking adjustment.

Lennon is too young to know any better, which is good.  I grew up not having anything, and knowing it was because we didn't have any money.  We still do what we can to spoil the hell out of her.

In more positive news, we got Ollie back, or as Lennon calls him "Stinky Mr. Pooperton"

Jessi is supposed to start a new job a week from today.  There have been a number of delays (She was originally scheduled to start three weeks ago), so hopefully this will work out.  I go into surgery on the 19th.  I will be lying in bed, recovering, until approximately late January.  As such, Lennon will have to be in preschool during the day.  That's another $750-800 a month on top of the bills we already can't pay.  I'm sure once Jessi goes to work, we'll be able to get back on our feet.  It will just take a couple of months.  Hopefully everyone can wait that long.

Where's my stimulus package?

House Republicans Threatening To Impeach Obama

This whole "debt ceiling" issue is just starting to get childish, now.  GOP House Rep. Steve King, from Iowa, sent the above tweet this morning.  That's right.  Republicans are now threatening impeachment if a deal isn't reached, and the nation is forced to default on any debt after August 2nd.  

The tweet was in reference to the "Cut, Cap and Balance"(along with the Slice, Dice, Weigh, Measure, Julienne, Cover and Bake at 375 Degrees For 45 Minutes) plan, introduced by Republicans in the House, that includes a Balanced Budget Amendment.  The Democratic led Senate shot it down immediately.  The president now finds himself in a 'Damned if you do, damned if you don't' type of situation.

The 14th Amendment, Section 4, of the United States Constitution says in part:

"The validity of the public debt of the United States, authorized by law, including debts incurred for payment of pensions and bounties for services in suppressing insurrection or rebellion, shall not be questioned."

One of Obama's options as a solution to this stalemate is to raise the debt ceiling without Congressional approval.  The idea, according to inside sources, has already been presented to the president.  He is constitutionally afforded that option.  Rep. Tim Scott of South Carolina, has already made it clear that if that were to happen, Obama would be facing impeachment as well.

“This president is looking to usurp congressional oversight to find a way to get it done without us,” Rep. Tim Scott (R-S.C.) told a gathering in Summerville, S.C., “My position is that is an impeachable act from my perspective.”

Scott added: “There are a lot of things people say, ‘Are you going to impeach the president over that?’ — No. But this? This is catastrophic. This jeopardizes the credibility of our nation if one man can usurp the entire system set up by our founding fathers over something this significant.”

House Republicans are effectively holding this nation hostage until their demands are met.  They want Social Security, along with Medicare and Medicaid to lose funding, while keeping their Bush era tax breaks for their wealthy friends and oil lobbyists. 

I receive Social Security.  At the moment, it's our family's only income.  We can't pay our bills as is on the amount that is deposited into our checking account each month.  How on Earth are we expected to live if my benefits are cut?  My Medicare goes into effect in October.  Medicare Part A will only pay for one physical per year.  No other office visits.  It doesn't pay for any of the 13 medications I'm currently taking or my weekly therapy visits for my PTSD (which is what made me disabled to begin with).  My surgeon says that I will likely need at least one or two more spine surgeries before the end of the year.  Although I haven't completely healed from my last operation, I'm trying to fast track the next surgery and have it done as soon as possible.  That way, the bill will be Blue Cross Blue Shield's responsibility and not my own.

If the nation defaults on it's debt, I may not have money for rent and utilities next month.  I'm sure I'll eventually get paid, but the situation puts my future, along with millions of other Americans, up in the air.

I'm sure the threat to impeach Obama is just that:  a threat.  When you think about it, it is the worst thing Republicans can do.  If Obama is impeached, then Joe Biden becomes the president.  Biden is much more liberal in the eyes of the GOP.  He's also as loyal as a Golden Retriever to Barack Obama.  He's the last guy you want to be pissed off and in charge.  I honestly don't think it will happen.

President Obama spoke to the nation tonight, to reiterate the fact that he isn't backing down when it comes to the demands of House Republicans.  He has made it clear that cutting entitlement programs is not an option.  Speaking for myself, I would rather have my monthly check be a couple of days late, than being noticeably less down the road.  The president's address to the nation is below.

 

Quote Of The Day

 "Should any political party attempt to abolish Social Security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group, of course, that believes that you can do these things...Their number is negligible and they are stupid."

- Dwight D. Eisenhower 

Quote Of The Day

 "Unfortunately, Congress consistently brings the government to the edge of default before facing its responsibility. This brinkmanship threatens the holders of government bonds and those who rely on Social Security and veterans benefits. Interest rates would skyrocket, instability would occur in financial markets, and the federal deficit would soar. The United States has a special responsibility to itself and the world to meet its obligations. It means we have a well-earned reputation for reliability and credibility — two things that set us apart from much of the world.”

 - Ronald Reagan, during a radio address given on September 26, 1987, in explaining why he would not sign a Balanced Budget Amendment.  The idea of a Balanced Budget Amendment was later deemed unconstitutional by the U.S. Supreme Court.  If Reagan were still alive, odds are he'd be pushing to raise the debt ceiling.

Ronald Reagan.  Yesterday:  The Almighty God of the Republican party.  Today:  "Liberal Marxist".

Today, I Became A College Dropout

This afternoon, I signed the paperwork necessary to drop out of school.  It's something I've been debating over the last couple of weeks, and, upon the advice of my doctor, thought it was the best decision to make.  I was only going to class part time, but it was overwhelming.  I have been at such a high stress level over the last week that I can't eat a meal without getting sick.  That's not healthy.  It came to a point where I realized I had to lighten my load, and school was the easiest thing for me to drop.

I may go back in the future.  I don't know.  I do know one thing:  If I go back to school for massage therapy, it will be at a different campus.  I can't imagine having to start all over again with my Professional Development teacher.  He was such an asshole.  He did nothing but single out and degrade students based upon how they dressed, the tattoos and piercings they had, etc.  In Monday night's lecture he said, "Your commitment to help people should be more important than your tattoos and piercings."  He then told us that we should remove any artwork or piercing he found "unprofessional".  The following morning, I went to my local barber and got a mohawk. I couldn't stay in this guy's class until next March.

I liked what I learned, and I was good at it, but between the Tourette's and the PTSD, I'm not able to do this right now.  I haven't been myself for weeks.  I'm stressed out and pissed off all the time, and I am definitely not happy.

As to the future, my future, I don't know what I'm going to do.  I just had my interview for my third level appeal for Social Security.  It may take as long as 16 months to get a thumbs up or thumbs down on that.  The company I have been working with has a 91% benefits approval rate at this level, so odds are in my favor.  My long term disability is still set to expire next October.  If I am forced to go back to work at that time, I don't know if I can handle it or not.  I've been thinking about focusing on this blog and developing a following over the next year.  Hopefully, in another 12 months, I can make a living writing.  Hey, it can happen.

Rejection Is A Bitch

There isn't a better way to say it. Even when you're expecting it, rejection is one hell of a bitch. As some of you may know, I had my mental evaluation with the Social Security Psychiatrist on January fourth. It didn't go that well in my opinion, but, he told me to expect a response from the SS(that's what I've decided to call them from now on), within the next two to three months.

Imagine my surprise when I opened my mailbox yesterday to find a thick envelope from the SS postmarked the 27th of January. "Fuck", I thought, "This can't be good". I have to admit, I was waiting for this letter to come, just not so soon. In my mind, three months meant three months....OK....two months....hell, at least sit on the paper work for six weeks to make me think I have a chance. The SS doctor didn't even turn his paperwork in until the 8th of January. That gives me what? Seventeen...eightte...NINETEEN DAYS?!? COME ON!!!

I read through the the first paragraph of the letter so fast I entirely missed the part were I was rejected. I assumed it, but kept reading. I came across a list of the doctors whose information was taken into consideration. Missing from the list, of course, was my biggest cheerleader, my therapist. He had so many pages of info to send them, it could have made your head spin. They never called to request it. Instead, I had the two neurologists that misdiagnosed me to begin with, A gastro doctor that I haven't seen since April, and my primary physician. She was great years ago, but her practice has gotten to the point that if you're not in there for botox, you're not worth her time. Haven't been in there since July.

So, right off the bat, those four doctors worthless. Here's what got me. The letter said that according to the information that was given to them, that I have made such an improvement that I should be able to return back to work by 04/10/2010. BACK THE TRUCK UP. APRIL 4TH? OF THIS YEAR? Who said that? Couldn't be my psychiatrist. He just prescribed me Xanax to help me get more than two hours of sleep per night, an increase of one anti-depressant, and an additional anti-depressant to hopefully help stop the nightmares I have about my family at night.

And my neurologist, couldn't be him. He has even suggested drilling holes in my head to place electrodes on my brain to stop my Tourette's tics. I still have tics where I speak in an Irish accent. I've started a new tic where I have to touch the top of my head. He has also increased my Invega because I have started to have "super tics" where my head and neck seize up and I stop breathing mid tic for up to 60 seconds. Yeah, I'll be fine in two months(sarcasm).

I wonder if it was that SS doctor that saw me for a total of 45 minutes that made that assessment. That is what pissed me off about the whole situation to begin with. The thought of having someone that you have no history with, telling a government agency whether or not you're sick enough to be disabled or not. The day that I saw him in particular, I had a migraine at about a level 9.5. I was very quiet. I wasn't ticking much because my migraine is my tic when I have one. The whole situation just frustrates me.

I knew this was coming, but it doesn't make it easier. I have 60 days to appeal the decision, and you bet your ass I'm appealing. In the meantime, it's a waiting game.

My Social Security Appointment

I guess it went about as well as it could have gone. He seemed a little skeptical about my PTSD diagnosis. He kept asking me what made me think I had PTSD. It almost got to the point where I said, "Maybe you should talk to the people that diagnosed me and find out why THEY think I have it". I had a migraine at the time. Still do.

I've had this migraine since last Friday...so 5 days now. I have been popping Imitrex and Percocets like fucking Tic Tacs and haven't had much relief. The most has been down to a 6 from a 9 or so. Last night was so bad, the pain was going through every joint in my body. It hurt to chew.

Gotta love Tourette's.

My Social Security Appointment Is Tomorrow

I'm not as nervous as I thought I would be. I've had an 8.5 migraine for about 24 hours now, so I'm in a lot of pain and very irritable. 'Nuff said.

A Stranger Gets To Determine How Sick I Am

Yesterday, I received a letter from Social Security. I have an appointment on January 4th, with a doctor I've never seen before, to determine if I am "disabled enough" with my TS and PTSD to qualify for Social Security benefits. Upon reading the letter, I instantly went into a panic attack. A half hour exam with a stranger could determine the rest of my life in some regards. It's a scary thought.

With some of my doctor's, I had been working with them for close to a year before I was diagnosed with PTSD. That was after years of putting all of these weird unrelated symptoms together. Prior to that, I was told I had everything from Crohn's disease to a gluten allergy to the fact that I was lactose intolerant because I got sick to my stomach when I was stressed or put in an uncomfortable situation. There were times at work, before I left, when I spent four hours out of my eight our day in the bathroom. Now that I'm not working, I don't get sick anymore.

I had to go to three different neurologist, including one at the Mayo Clinic, before I was diagnosed with Tourette's. My current doctor is one of the most respected neurologists in the United States. His resident was the doctor at Mayo that originally misdiagnosed me in May. Traditionally, Tourette's is diagnosed in patients in adolescence and not at 34. I didn't notice my first tics until age 30. It was originally believed that I had adult onset Tourette's Syndrome, which is generally unheard of. Since my diagnosis, I have had memories of childhood tics, so I realize this wasn't an adult onset disorder, but rather, decided to manifest itself full force in connection with the PTSD and stresses that were going on at the time. But my point is, it took three doctors to diagnose me. THREE. And Social Security expects someone with no prior knowledge of my situation to make a decision as to my disability within the course of a 30 minute visit. The whole situation really worries me.

It's Official - I'm Disabled

Big sigh of relief! I had my interview on Wednesday morning last week. My case manager told me it would take two to three weeks to reach a decision. They came to a decision and alerted my employer within a matter of about three hours. It was that much of an open and shut case. I knew I had some issues..but damn!! I contacted MetLife today, and they were able to verify that indeed I was approved. I contacted my former(I love saying that) employer's payroll department, and they were able to verify that they were notified by H.R. on Friday to remove me from payroll records. Nice thing about that is that I now have access to all the profit sharing funds that were contributed to my 401k. The "termination" was backdated to 10/16.

I have so many questions now for my case manager now, but he is out of the office on vacation until the 6th of November. Not that big of a deal I guess. I have, at least, the next 2 years off of work. I filled out the necessary paperwork for Social Security online over the weekend. Took a minimum of 10 hours of work. It was ridiculous. I then had to print up and fill out 24 pages of paperwork on top of that. Cost me almost $2.00 just to mail twenty miles. It's been a hectic weekend to put it lightly. Nice thing is, I have no deadlines; no assignments to do over the next 3 to 5 days. Just a therapy appointment on Wednesday. I'm going to bed in fact at 10:35 tonight, and have no reason to get up before 9am tomorrow. Good night.

I've Been Approved For Long Term Disability - I Think?

MetLife called me on 10/21/09, and did a phone interview with me regarding the Tourette's and the PTSD. The interview was scheduled to last 20 minutes, and ended up lasting and hour and ten minutes. My case manager told me that it would take the clinicians approximately two to three weeks to make their decision and let me know.

I go to my mailbox yesterday and I have a letter from my employer. I think, nothing new. I get two or three needless letters a week from them. I open this one up and the first thing I see is a pamphlet explaining my rights as a terminated employee. It is a letter from Human Resources saying that they received notification from MetLife on 10/21/09 that my claim for long term was approved. Don't get me wrong, I am super super excited, but something doesn't seem right. A two to three week approval process shortened to one day? If this is correct, I am shocked at how quickly it was able to go through and am absolutely thrilled that I don't have to go through this anymore with them. But something tells me that this letter was sent out prematurely. I have to wait until tomorrow to see if, indeed, this is true or not.

Wish me luck.

eta...I also have 12 pages of medical information and job history to fill out for the Social Security Administration today....might need more luck with that.