Bruno Mars Spanks His Monkey

You have to admit...This is probably the most original music video you've seen today.

Como Se Dice "Memorial"?

Growing up as a Jehovah's Witness, I didn't celebrate SHIT!  No Christmas.  No trick or treating.  Hell, I wasn't even allowed to cash in on a free Grand Slam at Denny's on my birthday.  My childhood sucked.  I tried to explain to everyone that, "You don't need to have a holiday to get toys or presents.  We get presents all the time."  That was an utter lie.

The one "holiday" that we did celebrate as Witnesses "The Memorial of Christ's Death" or "The Memorial", as we all called it.  Imagine the strange looks you get telling that to your classmates when you're in the first grade.  The Memorial is a reenactment of sorts, of the Last Supper.  It coincides, supposedly, with the date on the Jewish calendar of Nisan 14, the day way back in the year 33, that Jesus and all of his drinking buddies hung out for one last hurrah.

The bible quotes him as saying, "Keep doing this in remembrance of me", so, once a year, and only once a year, all of the Witnesses in the world come out from under their rocks and do so.  There are only 7 million JWs in the world.  Last year, they had over 18 million people show up for this thing.  They sing a couple of songs, read some passages from the Gospels detailing what happened that night, then they pass the bread and the wine that symbolize Christ's body and blood.  Unlike the Catholics though, they don't eat it.  They just pass the plate around.  You only partake if you believe that you're one of the 144,000 "chosen ones" or super special unicorn Jehovah's Witnesses that are going to heaven.

I tried to explain all of this to my wife earlier this afternoon.  The Nisan 14 thing, how it's related to the Israelites in Egypt, the bread and the wine, how it has to happen after sundown, the 144,000 bit, etc.  At the end, she was looking at me the way the dog does when they hear your voice on the answering machine.

Here's the point I was wanting to make.....  Chris Parks made an awesome rendition of da Vinci's 'The Last Supper', reimagining Christ and friends as Luchadors.  Living in Arizona, I think it's fitting to think of Jesus and his apostles as high flying, acrobatic Mexican wrestlers partaking in tacos and cerveza.

And, if this mural couldn't get any cooler, after it was completed, he split it up into 12 skateboards.

Isn't blasphemy awesome?

So, for all of you ex JWs out there, the next time Nisan 14 rolls around, and you think about what all of your old acquaintances and family members are going to be doing, grab yourself a taco and a Corona.  I think I just found us a new Springtime tradition.  I know what I'll be doing next year. 

First Peek At 'Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes'

OK.  I wasn't even aware that this was in the pipeline until I saw this video today.  Apparently, a prequel to 'Planet of the Apes' is in post-production, starring James Franco, Frida Pinto, and John Lithgow.  It is currently slated for release in August.  The studio has decided to finally do away with the cumbersome and time consuming process of prosthetics and latex masks, and go full CGI when it comes to modelling the apes.

Andy Serkis is cast as the role of Cesar, an ape with extreme intelligence (originally played by Roddy McDowall).  Serkis is a veteran of acting under the constraints of motion capture.  He played Gollum/Smeagol for the 'Lord of the Rings' trilogy, and also was the actor behind the CG version of King Kong.  The video of Cesar that was released today was only a peek, five seconds in all, but gives a real glimpse as to what technicians are capable of with the right tools.



Cesar was one of the good guys in the original 'Planet of the Apes' films.  This time around he doesn't seem so nice.  I'm really looking forward to seeing more from the film.  Hopefully, it can make us forget of the Mark Wahlberg disaster ten years ago.

Is This A Little Racist?

The other people at the table got fortunes that taught the Chinese words for "good at math", 

SNL Hits A Little Close To Home

About 12 years ago, I worked as a strip club DJ at a place called Cole's Platinum Club in Phoenix.  It was ghetto....GHETTO.  It sat under an overpass on the West side of town, and yes, I worked on the day shift.


One word of advice to anyone that is interested in going to a gentlemen's club:  Never go before 9PM.  Some clubs advertise happy hours.  Some advertise free buffets.  Don't buy into the hype!  


There was one dancer that I worked with named "Jordan", that was into her second year of a veterinary assistant program, but was allergic to dogs and cats.


There was another dancer that had a nasty 6-7 inch scar on the inside of her right thigh.  When I asked her about it, she told me that one afternoon she decided to do a "power slide" across the stage.  The inside of her thigh caught on a splinter on the hardwood stage and ripped her leg open.  An ambulance had to be called.  She had to have surgery to repair an artery.  The stage was never repaired.


The pièce de résistance was the dancer on the day shift that was bald and deaf.  I'm not joking.  She wore a blond wig, and would only dance to the Beastie Boys' 'She's Crafty', because the bass was so heavy, she could feel it in the stage.  Unfortunately, when you only have 5 dancers on the day shift, and they're supposed to dance to two songs per rotation, you tend to hear that fucking song a lot.


When there are less than half a dozen customers in the club, it makes no sense to have the volume of the music turned up so loud that you can't hear yourself think.  I'm not trying to be mean, but it didn't really matter what volume the music was at anyway, because she danced off beat to begin with;  so, it was always like she was dancing to another song, already.  


When the song was over, she would still be dancing.  I would have to flicker the strobe lights on and off to try to get her attention.  93% of the time, it wouldn't work.  It would be so weird to see the customers looking at her dancing to no music, then look at me, trying to figure out what was going on, then back to her.  I wasn't allowed to leave my booth under any circumstance, so more often than not, I would have to throw ice at her to get her attention, and get her off stage.  My god, it was horrible.


$6.00 an hour and 10% of what the ladies took home.  On a good day, I would go home with $50, and would have to give the deaf girl a few dollars for a cab ride home.  That was my life.

Goliath Vs. David Plane Collision At JFK

In this instance, Goliath clearly won.  Last night at JFK International Airport, an Airbus A380-800, the largest commercial airplane ever constructed, was taxiing down the runway when it came into contact with a CRJ-700.  Here's the result:



To put things into perspective, the A380 has a wingspan of almost 262 feet, and weighs over 1.3 million pounds fully fueled.  Depending on the seat configuration, it can hold up to 853 passengers.  The CRJ-700, on the other hand, weighs less than 72,000 when fueled and loaded.  The passengers and crew on the Airbus probably didn't even realize that they had struck the other plane.  The 70 people on the Comair regional flight, on the other hand, were tossed like a toy.  It's like a monster truck clipping a kid's Big Wheel.

Benicio Del Toro Knocks Up Kimberly Stewart

In "TMZ is having a field day" news of the day, it appears that Paris Hilton's former BFF is pregnant.  No, not Nicole Ritchie, the one that isn't famous.  Kimberly Stewart, daughter of Rod Stewart, is expecting.  Academy Award winner Benicio del Toro is the father.

In a statement released, surprisingly, by 'Life and Style' magazine, and not by representatives of either party said,

"Life & Style can confirm exclusively that Kimberly Stewart, the daughter of rocker Rod Stewart, is pregnant with actor Benicio del Toro's baby, a rep for Benicio confirms. "Kimberly is pregnant. Benicio is the father and is very supportive," Benicio's rep, Robin Baum, tells Life & Style exclusively. "Although they are not a couple, they are looking forward to the arrival of the baby." Benicio, 44, is best known for winning an Academy Award for his role in Traffic in 2001. Kimberly was most recently linked to actors Jude Law and Rhys Ifans, and in 2005 Kimberly was engaged to then-Laguna Beach star Talan Torriero, who was seven years younger than her."

Translation of the statement from Benicio's rep: "We ran into each other backstage at the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards.  We didn't even have dinner.  I can't believe this is happening to me.  I am entering rehab in the morning."

For those of you unfamiliar with Stewart, it's not surprising.  Her Wikipedia bio lists her as an "actress, model, and fashion designer", but she is essentially a D-list version of a Kardashian or a Hilton (daddy's rich, but I want to party).  A staple on the red carpet a couple of years ago, the following clip is what she is most famous for.



In 2005, Stewart had her breast implants removed, autographed them, and gave them to ex-boyfriend Jack Osbourne.  She was also romantically liked, at one time, to Puddle of Mudd frontman Wes Scantlin, after he had broken up with her father's ex-wife/her stepmother Rachel Hunter.  That's one classy lady.

On the list of socialites/reality TV stars to be connected romantically to, the socially acceptable list is as follows:

Any Kardashian Sister
Paris Hilton
Lindsay Lohan
Nicole Ritchie
Snooki
Spencer Pratt
Gary Busey
The Situation
Flavor Flav
Girl on "Rock of Love Bus"
Kimberly Stewart

Benicio del Toro's credibility has taken such a hit, that he has moved from movie roles to the stage.  He can be seen next month in a dinner theatre presentation of 'Death of a Salesman', in Dayton, Ohio.

In other news, Sir Anthony Hopkins has been romantically linked to Puddin', from the first season of 'Flavor of Love'.

National Anthem Fail

Yet again, another rock star washed up, 80s singer/third rate tequila purveyor was caught butchering the National Anthem.  This time, it was former Van Halen front man Sammy Hagar, with some help from guitar god (yet, I can't put my finger on a single tune of his), Joe Satriani.



Why is Sammy walking around so much?  Doesn't he realize you don't do the "shoulder rub with the guitar player" thing during 'The Star Spangled Banner'?  Rock rules stipulate that move cannot be made during any performance post-1987, unless it is in the form of a music video, and both the singer and guitarist are bare chested.

David Lee Roth Gary Cherone doesn't look so stup...nevermind.  If there's an up side, at least Sammy didn't yell "Cabo Wabo" at the end.

Impressive Cover Of Pixies' 'Where Is My Mind?'

I first saw this video a couple of weeks ago and was blown away.  It's from a British beatboxer that goes by the name of "Petebox".  He's been on the scene in the UK for a few years, mostly doing covers and live drum 'n' bass demonstrations.  It appears as though he's starting to branch out and try his hand at some covers with an acoustic guitar.  He's using a loop pedal that can be picked up used for anywhere from $100 to $150 at your local Guitar Center.  My brain can't even think on this many layers simultaneously, musically speaking.

Cop Pepper Sprays Baby Squirrel...I'm Not Kidding

This video was taken Wednesday by a student at Kimbrough Middle School, in Mesquite, Texas.  The video shows an officer macing a baby squirrel.  You can hear students on the video screaming and pleading for the officer not to do it.



I guess that's how they do things in Texas.  The squirrel was later arrested on terrorism charges.

Remembering Kurt

Seventeen years ago yesterday, Kurt Cobain was found dead in his Seattle home; the victim of a self inflicted gunshot wound to the head.  

Kurt with daughter, Frances Bean

For my generation, it was our "John Lennon moment".  A voice for everything that was inside of us, as fucked up as that voice was, had unexpectedly left.  Looking back, maybe not so unexpectedly.  

Long before his death, Courtney and Kurt were media fodder when it came to their heroin use.  No one knew the true depths of Kurt's addiction until years later, when the biographies and the VH1 'Behind The Music' specials would air.  At the time, we knew nothing of the multiple overdoses or failed suicide attempts.  We saw a rock star, and someone who acted, in public, the way that we would think a disenfranchised, brooding musician with a "fuck it" attitude should act. 

Unless you were the most ardent of Nirvana fans, you likely knew very little of Cobain's undiagnosed stomach problems.  Few outside his inner circle discussed the details surrounding the facts that he could very rarely, even when sober, keep any food down.  Or, how he often would use heroin as a way of self medicating to alleviate unbearable stomach pain.  This later led to untreated depression and body dysmorphic disorder, as a result of his gaunt appearance.  He essentially became a poster boy for being troubled and suicidal, and the world let him end it.

Within months of his death, the death of the grunge genre followed.  Vedder, Chris Cornell, Layne Staley, and the rest of the megastars from the Seattle area from the early 90s had become monumentally ineffectual.  The following couple of years saw the emergence and popularity of the "imitator" bands like Bush, Silverchair, and Stone Temple Pilots, but, for the most part, the remainder of the decade showed a complete 180 in the public's taste in music.  Listeners now preferred jam bands and hippie rock;  a trend that would continue until the early part of the next decade.

In October of 2002, after a lawsuit was settled between the remaining members of Nirvana and the heroin and Oxy laced Yoko Ono of our generation, Courtney Love, an agreement was made to release a locked away final Nirvana single.  'You Know You're Right' had it's original vocals and lead guitar recorded in studio by Cobain just 10 weeks before his death.  Krist Novoselic and Dave Grohl later came in and recorded their roles.  Eight and a half years after Kurt Cobain's suicide, and after the demise of the "Seattle sound", the song debuted at number one on the rock charts.  Frankly, it sounded ahead of anything on the radio at that time.....in 2002.

So, what of Kurt's legacy?  What legacy?  In 2007, VH1 called 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' the "Greatest Song of the 90s".  It was two places ahead of the Backstreet Boys' 'I Want It That Way' (#3), and five spots ahead of Sir Mix-A-Lot's 'Baby Got Back' (#6).  

Kurt became a playable character in the video game 'Guitar Hero 5'.  Once you unlock him as a character, though, he sings not only the Nirvana songs, but all of the other songs on the game as well.  So, if you've ever wanted to see an animated Kurt Cobain sing No Doubt, Coldplay, or Stevie Wonder, this may be the game for you.

Unlike Yoko, Courtney Love hasn't done much to preserve Kurt's legacy.  In the seventeen years since his death, the world has more to remember Courtney Love about than her husband.  She has focused more on her acting career, her music career, and trying to keep her name out of the tabloids.  Then again, Kurt wasn't John Lennon.  Kurt was damaged, perhaps beyond the point of repair.  He wasn't preaching peace and love and "Imagine", he chanted "I'm not gonna crack".  Regrettably, he did.

Umm, Bitter?

This sign was seen on the doors of a Borders bookstore in Chicago, Illinois, over the weekend.  As many of you know, they are currently in the process of closing 200 stores, or approximately 30% of their locations, nationwide.  This is, in part, due to the fact that they are no longer able to compete with online giants such as Amazon.com, or even BN.com (Barnes & Noble).

For the record, Amazon technically does have restrooms.  I pee while on Amazon.com all the time, and I don't get the disapproving looks from others like I get from the customers at Borders.

Think Seriously Before Reserving A Domain Name

Sure, these websites sounded good on paper, but when you add a www on the front, a .com on the end, and no spaces in the middle, it becomes something wholly inappropriate in the minds of even the most virginal of minds.  All of the sites below are safe for work.  It brings to light an important caveat:  before settling on a domain name,  think it over.  Share it with your friends.  Show it to your perverted brother in law.  Get your coworkers opinions.  Otherwise, you might just end up with SpeedoFart.com, instead of SpeedOfArt.com.

Fuck Families. Leave 'The King's Speech' Alone

I am truly disgusted that they've re-edited the language out of 'The King's Speech' to make it more "family friendly".  It's a "docu"-drama, the docu part meaning documentary.

I heard that Speilberg is re-releasing a new family friendly, G rated version of 'Schindler's List' to be released this summer.  This time around, Hitler and the Nazi's browbeat and give stern, disapproving looks to 6 million Jews instead of putting them in concentration camps and killing them.

Oh, and Oliver Stone announced that he's releasing a PG rated version of 'Platoon', where Charlie Sheen, Tom Berenger, and Willem Dafoe go to Vietnam and pass out cupcakes to all of the Vietnamese soldiers.  It took three years of CGI work to make it happen, but now his vision can be seen by the entire family.

Do movies that are somewhat "historically based" HAVE to necessarily be family friendly?  Yes, 'The King's Speech' won the Oscar for Best Picture, but part of that was because of it's honesty.  Part of that honesty was the things that made it an R rated movie.

As the parent of a two year old, let me say, "Fuck families.  Leave 'The King's Speech alone."

I'm Taking Some Time Off From My Blog

It has been a rough March.  Since the 7th, I have been in the hospital a total of 4 times, spending more than two weeks in a hospital room.  I have spent approximately 10 hours inside of an MRI tube.  I've had 3 CT scans, an EEG, 2 EKGs, an EMG, a myleogram, and a spinal tap.  I was in the hospital last night because I had pain in my spine so bad that I couldn't swallow or breathe without my spine hurting.  I was given two shots of morphine and  it did nothing.  They sent me home in the same amount of pain that I walked in with.

I'm going to have to go back to the hospital, tomorrow.  I'm having complications from the spinal tap.  I'm running a fever and have a migraine that gets worse when I sit up or stand up.  The radiology department at the hospital says I need to get a "blood patch" to relieve my migraine.

I haven't been able to walk for three weeks.  My symptoms are getting progressively worse by the day.  I have had a loss of bowel control off and on for the last two weeks now.  My upper body is so week, I can't lift a two pound weight.  I have a constant pain that goes from my tail bone, up my spine, and out my arms to my fingertips.  My arms are so sore and weak that I can't cut food with a fork or sign my own name with a pen.

All tests have come back negative.  I have no nerve damage.  No brain damage.  I don't have Multiple Sclerosis or Lou Gehrig's Disease.  I don't have Guillain-Barre Syndrome.  All blood tests and lab results on my spinal fluid come back normal.  Mayo Clinic sent me home saying there was nothing wrong with me, and now, my neurologist, the doctor who was my biggest advocate, has given up on me.  I have nowhere to go.

I have been spending 24/7 lying on my back in bed lately.  I am in too much pain to even lean up to look at my computer, or turn over on my side to type.  I don't have the energy to keep up at the moment.  My brain is so fried right now between pain meds (which don't work) and pain, and all the other bullshit at the moment that I have to deal with right now, I don't have the ability to focus on the blog the way that I used to.

You may see the occasional fluff piece about a music video or just a simple picture with a one or two sentence intro, but what used to take me 15 minutes to write is now taking me over two hours.  Words that used to come quickly to me, I have to look up on thesaurus.com.  I used to write because it was an escape for me.  Now, it has become grueling.  By the time I have an article written, the subject isn't in the news anymore.

I'll try writing again when I start feeling better.  Thank you all for keeping up with the page and with the updates.  I'll be back.