Video: Grandma/Samuel L. Jackson Read 'Go The Fuck To Sleep'

Go the F**k to Sleep is easily my favorite book of the year.  For those of you that haven't heard of it or read it, I won't spoil it just yet.  Let's just say, when I first heard about it, I was counting the days till it's release.  Let me tell you, the wait has been worth it!  Best children's book EVER!  But, for the love of god, don't read it to your children.

Check out this concerned grandmother reading the book to her grandson, without warning of what is inside:



The book sounds like something that should be read by Samuel L. Jackson.  This story is perfectly suited for him.  So suited, in fact, he reads the audiobook.  Below is the audio presentation that you can download for free on Audible.com's website.  You can then play the file on you computer, MP3 player or mobile device.



The author, Adam Mansbach, is currently writing a trilogy of children's books to follow 'Go the Fuck to Sleep'.  The tentative titles are:  'Stop Shitting Yourself and Use the Fucking Toilet', 'Tie Your Own Damn Shoes' and 'Say "Are We There Yet", I Dare You.  I Double Dare You Motherfucker.  Say "Are We There Yet One More Time, Goddamn It'.  (Kidding)

Fear And Loathing In...Puerto Rico?

From the twisted mind of Hunter S. Thompson...

This October, Johnny Depp answers the age old question, "What is the meaning of life?" "Does 470 proof alcohol actually exist?"



'The Rum Diary' opens on October 28th.

Update On My Spinal Issues: Surgery, Long Recovery Ahead (Photos)

As many of you know, I had surgery on June 20th, to remove to the disc between my L5 and S1 vertebrae. After the procedure, I felt amazing.  Sadly, the joy was short lived.

By June 30th, I had to have my first epidural to help ease the pain.  The pain was so bad, they completed a series of MRIs to verify that I didn't a hematoma in my spine.  I didn't.  The epidural had no effect.  I had two additional epidurals on July 14th, and again on August 4th.  Again, no results.

I had a chance to see my surgeon last Friday, the 19th.  Normally when an MRI is completed so soon following a discectomy, the films are typically very difficult to read.  There are numerous air pockets, shadows and open spaces that can be misinterpreted by the radiologist.  When it came to my images, however, the radiologist made it very clear:  The partial disc remaining in L5/S1 had re-herniated in the space left open by the removed disc.  It was now pressing up against my spinal cord.

My doctor said he always go in and remove the rest of disc, and end it at that.  The problem with that option, is that there is the likelihood that in three months I would be back in surgery.  Also, the two discs above my L5/S1 are having problems.  Considering my weight and frame, my spine could eventually tumble like dominoes.

The route we decided to go was a two-part surgery.  I am having a graft implanted, and then a fusion between my L5 and S1.  I am scheduled for the implant on the morning of September 19th.  The fusion is scheduled for scheduled for September 20th.

In case you were wondering about the process involved, I brought pictured and diagrams.  Pour yourself a drink.  Take a seat.  This may take a moment.

Everything takes place over the course of two surgeries.  During the first one, an incision is made along my "bikini area", (I look amazing in a bikini, BTW) and my intestines are gently set aside.  My surgeon will make an incision at what would be the front of my spine, and scoop out the remaining pieces of disc that are currently in there.  He will then insert a plastic graft, sort of like a fake disc.  It looks like this:

Model of graft in L4/L5 disc

The photo above is one that I took of a model at my surgeon's office.  The graft that you see is much like the one that will be implanted in my spine.  It's hollow and will be filled with bone fragments, that, from what I think I understand, will eventually turn into bone?  There are a couple of major differences between the one in the pic and the type that they'll use on me.  In the model, the graft is in the L4/L5 slot.  My herniation is in L5/S1, so imagine the graft one place lower.  Also, since L5/S1 is the lowest disc on the spine, and the one closest to the hip bone, the long/rectangular graft that you see would bump into the hip bone if inserted.  I will need a thicker graft, with more of a square shape.

Since my surgery isn't scheduled until 11:30AM, they won't have enough time to complete both procedures on the same day.  The next morning is when the magic happens.

An incision is made - this time on my back (cue suspenseful music).  A set of four screws are set into my vertebrae, two on each side to secure, what is essentially a titanium brace, to my spine.  My first two questions, as I'm sure are yours:  Will I set off airport metal detectors? And, Is the fusion magnetic? Can I still get an MRI?  Fortunately, the answer to both are No.  I can still get an MRI.  Titanium is not magnetic.  From what I have been told the placement of the "anchors" should not be painful since bone does not have any nerve.

Keep in mind, the placement of my fusion will be one slot lower than that of the picture, since the model has a fusion of L4/L5, and I need a fusion of L5/S1.

So, what's in store after that?  A lot of lying down.  I'm required to wear a back brace for the next four months, as well as those really tight thigh highs that keep you from getting blood clots (I forget what they're called).

For the first four months after surgery, I'm not allowed to bend over, lift anything over 5 pounds or sit for more than ten minutes at a time.  To put it simply....

• Sleeping
• Netflix
• Video Games
• ...and a metric shitload of blogging.

My wife will be working full time, and Lennon will be in preschool (since there's no way in Hell I'll have the ability to care for her).  So, I apologize in advance for the posts on "this commercial I saw", or "Have you ever noticed how Coke makes you burp more than other sodas?"

I'm not going to enjoy it anymore than you will, believe me.

Introducing...The NASCAR Bible

I know.  First time I heard those two words together, I threw up a little in my mouth, too.  Yeah, it exists.  And, as much as it sounds like a gag from 'Talladega Nights', it's not a joke.  Since NASCAR doesn't officially endorse it, it's called the 'Holy Bible: Stock Car Racing Edition'.

I'm surprised I am just now hearing about this.  It has been on the shelves since September of 2009.  You would think that with it being the "Stock Car Bible", a number of things would have changed in the translation.  Dale and Junior would show up listed in Jesus' lineage.  Christ would have changed water to Bud Light.  The account in the Gospels of Jesus cleansing the Temple of the money changers would have read, "And Jesus walked in to the Temple, like Patrick Swayze in that one scene from 'Roadhouse', right?  Hell yeah!"

Instead, it's the NIV (New International Version) translation.  The Amazon link above is full of humor.  The product description:

"Featuring exciting and inspiring full-color inserts with photos of and insights from stock car racing's finest personalities, the NIV Thinline Bible: Stock Car Edition is sure to be a motorsports fan's favorite Bible. Motor Racing Outreach, a ministry to the world of motorsports, has partnered with Zondervan to create this Bible designed to delight race fans. MRO brings testimonies and photographs of the popular race personalities with whom they work on a daily basis---the drivers, the pit crews, the media spokespeople, and others associated with the world of racing. Combined with the complete text of the New International Version and offered in two innovative and cost-effective bindings, this title will make a wonderful gift for the true racing fan."

Even better are some of the reviews:

"5.0 out of 5 Stars "This Bible is just what I've been looking for" by Cal Noughton, Jr.

This Bible is awesome, cause I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt which says "I want to be formal, but I'm here to party, too." 'Cause I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party. I like to think of Jesus with giant eagle's wings, singing lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd, with an angel band, and I'm in the front row, and I'm hammered drunk."      

 Clearly making fun of the book.  Then again, I can't tell which reviews aren't making fun of the book.

"Boogity, boogity, boogity, Amen."

Video: As Seen On TV - A Tribute To Doing It Wrong

My favorites:  The guy that can't put on his shoes, and the lady that doesn't know how to pour soda.  And seriously?  How do you fuck up sitting down on the couch?

Scientists Discover Planet Composed Of Diamond

The planet, which is known as "PSR J1719-1438", is believed to be the remnants of a "companion" pulsar that burned out.  It's only the second documented instance of such an occurrence. In all other cases, the dying star gets absorbed by the remaining star in the system.  


Scientists theorize that the ultra high pressures caused by the rapidly pulsing neutron star it orbits, have caused it to condense and crystallize to the point that it is only 12 miles across. The solar system is 4,000 light years away.

In related news, Congressional Republicans have demanded the immediate reinstatement of the Shuttle program, as well as unlimited funding for a manned mission to PSR J1719-1438.  I'm being sarcastic, people.

Video: Live On Weather Channel...It's Raining Men! (NSFW)

According to a live feed from Virginia Beach this afternoon, it's raining cats, dogs and naked college guys.  Check out the guy in the red shorts about thirty seconds in.



Hallelujah!

Hurricane Irene Could Threaten 9/11 Memorial

In the event that a hurricane should ever hit New York City, the city is set up in "Zones", depending on how close they are to the water, and the topography of the city.  "Zone A" are areas that would be in danger in the event of a Category 1 hurricane.  "Zone B" is for Category 2, "Zone C" is for Category 3, and so on.

With Hurricane Irene expected to make landfall in New York City tomorrow morning, mayor Michael Bloomberg has ordered mandatory evacuations for those living in "Zone A".  That comes to roughly 370,000 people that have been asked to leave their homes by 5PM today.  To make things worse, all public transportation (subways, buses) were stopped as of noon, in advance of the storm.  They will not be back online until Tuesday.

At the bottom left hand corner of Manhattan (Manhattan is the area that is entirely wrapped in "Zone A"), you'll see an area that looks like a notch is cut out of the island.  Between the spots on the map that say "Battery Park City" and "Bowling Green".  This is the location of Ground Zero.

Next month, on the 10th anniversary of the terrorist attacks, the 9/11 Memorial is being dedicated at the site of the former World Trade Center location.  The memorial was designed to have water gently falling, from ground level, into the imprints of the towers.  Here are a couple of photos taken during construction showing how massive this project is.  Since completion, developers have tried to keep a lid on photography of the memorial until it's official unveiling on September 11th.

With only two weeks to assess and repair any damage made to the memorial, the city is going to be on a tight schedule.  As is, the site has been embroiled in a mass of controversy concerning designs and countless delays.  It has been a struggle for crews to meet their ten anniversary deadline for the memorial.

I will keep you posted.

Album Of The Week - Muppets: 'The Green Album'

When I was a kid, one of my favorite movies was 'The Muppet Movie'.  I have seen it dozens of times.  I think everyone my age has.

As 'The Great Muppet Caper' and 'The Muppets Take Manhattan' came out, I started to lose interest.  Once the "Muppet Babies" came into the picture, I called it quits.

I was 24 when 'Muppets From Space' was released.  Regardless, I have still seen it 30 times or more.  There is something unique about Muppet humor that makes you want to watch it over and over again.  That is why I was delightfully surprised when I saw this trailer while on IMDB a few weeks ago:



The movie even has Jason Segel and Amy Adams in it.  Has anything negative EVER been said about those two?

Well, on Tuesday, the soundtrack for the movie was released.  It's called Muppets: The Green Album.  Let me tell you, don't pirate it...buy it.   It will be the best $12.99 spent on a music purchase in a long time.

The album is a compilation of various covers of famous Muppet songs by modern artists.  The artist selection practically comprises of the "hipster elite",  only lacking Arcade Fire.  With Weezer featuring Hayley Williams, OK Go, My Morning Jacket, The Airborne Toxic Event and Sondre Lerche, the album isn't nearly as pretentious as it may seem.  In fact, it's actually quite pleasant.  It's very nice to be able to hear a song that brings you back to your childhood, without feeling like a child.  At 36, I prefer not to be sung to by a puppet, thank you.

Youtube sensations OK Go open the disc with the 'Muppet Show Theme Song'.  It's a decidedly different, and more modern take on the song, and I think it works.  The video is quite funny.  You have to watch it all the way to the end.  Many of the jokes are parodies of gags from previous OK Go videos.  So, if you haven't seen any of their other videos, odds are, you won't get some of the gags.



There are two songs that stand out above the rest on the album.  The first is the cover of 'The Rainbow Connection' by Weezer and Paramore's Hayley Williams.  Weezer's Rivers Cuomo was born to sing this song.  It is if Jim Henson wrote it with him in mind.  Cuomo embodies the hippie mentality and the wild-eyed innocence of Kermit the Frog, better than any musician that has ever attempted to sing the tune.  In all honesty, as soon as his voice came through the speaker, tears filled my eyes.

Williams on the other hand....not so much.  On her solo portion of the song, her voice is dull and blank.  It's almost like hitting the key on an old piano.  Fortunately, she only sings a couple of bars by herself.  The harmonies between Rivers and Hayley are very nice.  All in all, it makes for a very nice song.  One of the best covers of the tune I've heard yet.

Take a listen for yourself:



Singer and violinist Andrew Bird does a lovely version of 'Bein' Green'.  The violin adds a very nice touch to an already meaningful song.

If you would like to preview the album before you buy it, NPR has a webpage available that is currently streaming the entire album for a limited time.  Or, you can buy it at the link below.

Photo Of The Day

If you live in New York City, rats are part of the territory.  Sadly, there is no way to avoid them.  But, this is ridiculous.

The rat, killed Wednesday in a housing project in Brooklyn, is approximately three feet long.  Experts believe that it is a pet rat that was at one time imported from Gambia.  They're unable to reproduce.  The worst part of the story:  the Housing Authority worker that killed it said there were two more just as big that got away.

(Shudders)

In related news, there are tens of millions of rats that call the New York City subway system their home.  As Hurricane Irene approaches within the next 24 hours, many city officials realize that there is a distinct possibility that part of the subway network may be flooded after she passes overhead.  With that in mind, an MTA official announced yesterday to expect the possibility of millions of subway rats "seeking higher ground".  Lovely.

Maybe New York City should just change it's name to the Fire Swamp.

Still At Your Mercy, Technorati

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Photos: Steve Jobs Resigns As Apple CEO, Appears In Grave Health

On Wednesday, Steve Jobs, Apple's founder and CEO sent a letter addressed to "To the Apple Board of Directors and the Apple Community", he resigned.  The letter said:

"I have always said if there ever came a day when I could no longer meet my duties and expectations as Apple’s CEO, I would be the first to let you know. Unfortunately, that day has come.

I hereby resign as CEO of Apple. I would like to serve, if the Board sees fit, as Chairman of the Board, director and Apple employee.

As far as my successor goes, I strongly recommend that we execute our succession plan and name Tim Cook as CEO of Apple.

I believe Apple’s brightest and most innovative days are ahead of it. And I look forward to watching and contributing to its success in a new role.

I have made some of the best friends of my life at Apple, and I thank you all for the many years of being able to work alongside you.

Steve"

 Jobs is one of the most innovative and one of the most business savvy individuals of the modern era.  With rumors of both an IPad 3 and numerous IPhone models debuting for multiple carriers within the next few months, many industry insiders were speculating what it was that is causing Jobs to walk away from his baby. Had his pancreatic cancer come back?  Was it something else?  Well,  TMZ got a picture of Mr Jobs this afternoon today, and it isn't pretty.  In fact, it's quite shocking.

As you can see, he's so weak and frail he is having to be assisted with standing at the street corner.  His ankles are wider than the middle of his legs.  He appears to be terminally ill.

When he resigned on Wednesday, I read a lot of articles that essentially talked shit about him.  They talked about how stubborn he was, or about how he was a "my way or the highway" type of guy.  One article reiterated the number of products Apple was responsible for killing (the Walkman, floppy disks, CDs, CD roms).  There was one article though that stood out.  It was actually a post on Google+ by Google Vice President for Social Business Vic Gundotra:

"One Sunday morning, January 6th, 2008 I was attending religious services when my cell phone vibrated. As discreetly as possible, I checked the phone and noticed that my phone said "Caller ID unknown". I choose to ignore.

After services, as I was walking to my car with my family, I checked my cell phone messages. The message left was from Steve Jobs. "Vic, can you call me at home? I have something urgent to discuss" it said. 

Before I even reached my car, I called Steve Jobs back. I was responsible for all mobile applications at Google, and in that role, had regular dealings with Steve. It was one of the perks of the job. 

"Hey Steve - this is Vic", I said. "I'm sorry I didn't answer your call earlier. I was in religious services, and the caller ID said unknown, so I didn't pick up". 

Steve laughed. He said, "Vic, unless the Caller ID said 'GOD', you should never pick up during services". 

I laughed nervously. After all, while it was customary for Steve to call during the week upset about something, it was unusual for him to call me on Sunday and ask me to call his home. I wondered what was so important?

"So Vic, we have an urgent issue, one that I need addressed right away. I've already assigned someone from my team to help you, and I hope you can fix this tomorrow" said Steve. 

"I've been looking at the Google logo on the iPhone and I'm not happy with the icon. The second O in Google doesn't have the right yellow gradient. It's just wrong and I'm going to have Greg fix it tomorrow. Is that okay with you?"

Of course this was okay with me. A few minutes later on that Sunday I received an email from Steve with the subject "Icon Ambulance". The email directed me to work with Greg Christie to fix the icon. 

Since I was 11 years old and fell in love with an Apple II, I have dozens of stories to tell about Apple products. They have been a part of my life for decades. Even when I worked for 15 years for Bill Gates at Microsoft, I had a huge admiration for Steve and what Apple had produced. 

But in the end, when I think about leadership, passion and attention to detail, I think back to the call I received from Steve Jobs on a Sunday morning in January. It was a lesson I'll never forget. CEOs should care about details. Even shades of yellow. On a Sunday.

To one of the greatest leaders I've ever met, my prayers and hopes are with you Steve.

-Vic"

Being a visionary isn't about cutting corners to make an extra 3% profit on a particular product.  People take notice.  That's why they're willing to pay a little bit extra for the merchandise.  Our hopes and thoughts are with you as well, Steve.

Wanna Play The "Guess What Game"?

I'm a fan of body piercings.  But sometimes, people can take them too far.  See if you can guess what this is.

Click on this link at BME to reveal the entire photo.  Don't worry.  Nothing gross.  It's completely safe for work.

I don't get it.

THE Coolest Thing On Earth You Can Buy For $350

Fuck the IPhone.  To Hell with a year pass to Disneyland.  (Depending on the terms at which you buy them, you can't those things for $350, anyway.)  Check this out:



When I go to an aquarium, my favorite exhibit is always the jellyfish.  They're spellbinding.  I have always wanted to have jellyfish in a home aquarium, but have never seen them available in a store.  Turns out, jellyfish cannot go into normal rectangular aquariums, because they'll get stuck in the corners.  If you think about it, every jelly exhibit you've ever seen has been in a cylindrical tank.

On August 10, Alex Andon of Jellyfish Art posted a project on Kickstarter.com, as a way to gauge interest for his design and possibly get pre-orders.  His initial goal was to raise $3000 by September 12th.  The very next day, they reached their goal.

The day after that, their project received some unexpected advertisement in the form of a Tweet from record producer Jermaine Dupri:

Soon, every aspiring rapper and music producer in the nation was jockeying to get a jellyfish tank.  News of the Kickstarter project went viral.  The blogoshpere came alive with the story of how the internet could instantly take someone's idea, and make it a reality.  I have to admit, it's a pretty powerful thing.

As of the time of this posting, Jellyfish Art's Kickstarter project is currently at $96,055, with 260 people in line to get a tank when they're completed.  Keep in mind, the project is not set to expire until September 12th,  some 17 days away.

If you would like to contribute to the project, or would like to purchase a tank of your own, you can either click the link above or click on the widget below.

Get A Free Barack Obama 2012 Bumper Sticker

Hey everyone.  Yesterday, I received an email from Barack Obama's campaign offices offering me a free "Barack Obama 2012" bumper sticker.

Normally, the sticker costs $2.99 plus shipping online, or would come free with a campaign donation.  For the rest of this week, however, the Obama campaign is sending them out free of charge to anyone that would like one.

Just go to http://my.barackobama.com/Bumper-Sticker, and tell them where to send it.  Shipping takes approximately four to six weeks.