Yep. Doctor even put me on Tamiflu and cough syrup with Codeine. That's how you know it's serious. I've been upgraded to full on narcotics.
I will post something when I have a temperature lower than 102.
Goodnight.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
The Flu Has Made Me It's Bitch
I am sick. Sick sick. I'm not throwing up or anything. I just have body aches and a chest cold that will not stop. I have been laying in bed all day today.
Just when I think I'm feeling better and start to feel courageous, I get up out of bed. I feel great for three seconds. Then, out of nowhere, I hear this voice(I swear it's God) that says, "LAY YOUR ASS BACK DOWN". Then, my muscles start to feel like what meat must feel like after being tenderized.
I took a shower. OK. It wasn't a real shower. I turned on the hot water and leaned against a wall for three minutes. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I have to start feeling better.
Just when I think I'm feeling better and start to feel courageous, I get up out of bed. I feel great for three seconds. Then, out of nowhere, I hear this voice(I swear it's God) that says, "LAY YOUR ASS BACK DOWN". Then, my muscles start to feel like what meat must feel like after being tenderized.
I took a shower. OK. It wasn't a real shower. I turned on the hot water and leaned against a wall for three minutes. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I have to start feeling better.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Soundtrack Of My Life - 02/19/2010 'Homesick'
I haven't done a "Soundtrack of My Life" post in a long time. This is the first one for 2010, in fact. I heard this song a few years ago and it has always struck a chord with me. I have lived in a fair share of places. Phoenix. Denver. Cincinnati. Albuquerque. Las Vegas. They have all had their pros and cons, but none of them have ever really felt like home. All of my life, regardless of where I have been, I have felt like a visitor and not a local. A consummate outsider.
If given the choice, I don't really know where I would go. Perhaps the Pacific Northwest. Perhaps the North Atlantic. Maybe Canada. "I'm homesick, though I don't really know where home is".
If given the choice, I don't really know where I would go. Perhaps the Pacific Northwest. Perhaps the North Atlantic. Maybe Canada. "I'm homesick, though I don't really know where home is".
Thursday, February 18, 2010
My Brain Won't Let Me Forget Him
I had a really bad flashback a few days ago. Probably the roughest one I've had yet. I have been having nightmares pretty regularly, but flashbacks have been few and far between. When one comes up, it almost takes the air out of my lungs. It wholly catches me off guard. This one really shook me up.
I was getting dressed a few mornings back and I grabbed my belt. I grabbed it by it's ends, with the buckle and the holes touching. It dropped down by my side. Suddenly, I was in a room getting beat by my father. It was so clear, it was as if I was 9 or 10 years old all over again. My thighs felt the pressure of being pressed up against the end of my bed. I saw him. Standing there with his belt, held in the way mine was seconds earlier. His fat, sweaty face looking down at mine. Hell, it was so real, I could even smell his breath.
The entire episode lasted all of 15 to 20 seconds, but it felt like an hour. When I realized I was standing in my bedroom, an adult, and completely safe, I started shaking. I haven't seen my father in five years, and, since having these nightmares and flashbacks, I don't think the time will ever come where I will want to again.
I think I have said some of this before, I don't know. My dad's weapon of choice was his belt. He reminded me of a baseball player in a lot of ways. My mom would use whatever was handy. A wooden spoon, a switch, a ping pong paddle. My dad's belt was like his favorite bat. He was faithful to it.
When I was younger, I would get "whipped" while clothed, and, if I was lucky, with pants on instead of shorts. As time went on, my dad realized that the clothing cushioned the blow, so to speak. I was also able to tense up my ass muscles without him noticing. That made the spanking hurt less. As a consequence, all spankings were done bare assed from that point on.
My ass became his field of dreams, and let's just say he swung for the fences. He had a way of swinging the belt much like the way a ball player would swing at a pitch. He used two hands, one holding the belt together at the buckle, the other stretching it out straight at the end. He would then take a step forward and swing. The fucker actually would swing at me like he had a baseball bat in his hands. Occasionally, he would get a little too close and I would get part of a belt buckle or a fist across my backside. If I tried to stop him, or if I tensed up, or put my hands behind my ass to block the whacks, I would get more. So, I took the buckle and fist hits.
I got beat this way until I was 14 or 15, until my ass was hairier than my dad's and it became embarrassing for him to whip me bare assed. My dad was 5'10". By then I was well over 6' tall. At that point, it came to shoving matches and threats of punches. I think he punched me once, but I punched him back. By that time, the whole "Honor your father and mother" stuff had long gone out the window.
I don't know what caused my parents, but mostly my dad, to whip us like he did. I know he was beaten by his dad. Believe me, I'm not trying to make excuses for him. He had always felt that we thought we were better than he was. He dropped out of school shortly after the sixth grade and wasn't an educated man by any means. He had provided for us simply because he was a hard worker. In a way, he was right. All my life, I had never respected him, and, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't beat the respect into me. Now, no matter how hard I try, my brain won't let me forget that fat ignorant fucker. So, I guess he got the last laugh after all.
I was getting dressed a few mornings back and I grabbed my belt. I grabbed it by it's ends, with the buckle and the holes touching. It dropped down by my side. Suddenly, I was in a room getting beat by my father. It was so clear, it was as if I was 9 or 10 years old all over again. My thighs felt the pressure of being pressed up against the end of my bed. I saw him. Standing there with his belt, held in the way mine was seconds earlier. His fat, sweaty face looking down at mine. Hell, it was so real, I could even smell his breath.
The entire episode lasted all of 15 to 20 seconds, but it felt like an hour. When I realized I was standing in my bedroom, an adult, and completely safe, I started shaking. I haven't seen my father in five years, and, since having these nightmares and flashbacks, I don't think the time will ever come where I will want to again.
I think I have said some of this before, I don't know. My dad's weapon of choice was his belt. He reminded me of a baseball player in a lot of ways. My mom would use whatever was handy. A wooden spoon, a switch, a ping pong paddle. My dad's belt was like his favorite bat. He was faithful to it.
When I was younger, I would get "whipped" while clothed, and, if I was lucky, with pants on instead of shorts. As time went on, my dad realized that the clothing cushioned the blow, so to speak. I was also able to tense up my ass muscles without him noticing. That made the spanking hurt less. As a consequence, all spankings were done bare assed from that point on.
My ass became his field of dreams, and let's just say he swung for the fences. He had a way of swinging the belt much like the way a ball player would swing at a pitch. He used two hands, one holding the belt together at the buckle, the other stretching it out straight at the end. He would then take a step forward and swing. The fucker actually would swing at me like he had a baseball bat in his hands. Occasionally, he would get a little too close and I would get part of a belt buckle or a fist across my backside. If I tried to stop him, or if I tensed up, or put my hands behind my ass to block the whacks, I would get more. So, I took the buckle and fist hits.
I got beat this way until I was 14 or 15, until my ass was hairier than my dad's and it became embarrassing for him to whip me bare assed. My dad was 5'10". By then I was well over 6' tall. At that point, it came to shoving matches and threats of punches. I think he punched me once, but I punched him back. By that time, the whole "Honor your father and mother" stuff had long gone out the window.
I don't know what caused my parents, but mostly my dad, to whip us like he did. I know he was beaten by his dad. Believe me, I'm not trying to make excuses for him. He had always felt that we thought we were better than he was. He dropped out of school shortly after the sixth grade and wasn't an educated man by any means. He had provided for us simply because he was a hard worker. In a way, he was right. All my life, I had never respected him, and, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't beat the respect into me. Now, no matter how hard I try, my brain won't let me forget that fat ignorant fucker. So, I guess he got the last laugh after all.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Interesting Fact
On this day in 1852, Charles Taze Russell, the man that founded the religion now known as Jehovah's Witnesses, was born. In his day, it was still acceptable to celebrate birthdays. I wasn't able to celebrate my first one until the age of 31.
So, Happy Birthday, Chuck! Asshole.
So, Happy Birthday, Chuck! Asshole.
Support For Gays In The Military Depends On How You Ask The Question
CBS News released an interesting poll last week. In it, they polled two groups of people and asked the same question, "Do you favor or oppose BLANK serving in the military?" With one group, they used the term "homosexuals", and with the other, they used the term "gay men and lesbians". The results were fascinating. When using the term "gay men and lesbians" people were more likely to say favor or strongly favor. Take a look at the results:
They also asked, "Do you favor or oppose BLANK being allowed to serve openly?" Here is what they found:
Why the difference? Some think ingrained prejudice. Years of church sermons have given people a prejudice toward the word "homosexual" that they normally wouldn't have toward "gay" or "lesbian". Homosexual, then, becomes a more negative sounding word.
I remember growing up, being told by my mother never to use the gay or lesbian, because "those are the words they want to be called". "God calls them homosexuals. That's what you call them." I never had the balls to tell my mom that God didn't speak Latin, so for all we know he could have called them cantaloupes using that line of thinking.
What about you? Think about it. Do you support homosexuals in the military? Or gays and lesbians in the military? Or both?
They also asked, "Do you favor or oppose BLANK being allowed to serve openly?" Here is what they found:
Why the difference? Some think ingrained prejudice. Years of church sermons have given people a prejudice toward the word "homosexual" that they normally wouldn't have toward "gay" or "lesbian". Homosexual, then, becomes a more negative sounding word.
I remember growing up, being told by my mother never to use the gay or lesbian, because "those are the words they want to be called". "God calls them homosexuals. That's what you call them." I never had the balls to tell my mom that God didn't speak Latin, so for all we know he could have called them cantaloupes using that line of thinking.
What about you? Think about it. Do you support homosexuals in the military? Or gays and lesbians in the military? Or both?
Monday, February 15, 2010
Women Can Be Tools - According To VH1
After two seasons of the same old gimmick, Tool Academy has decided to try something new. They're going Co-ed. The VH1 Neanderthal magnet has it's first lesbian tool. Don't get me wrong, I'm not considering this "Must See TV" by any stretch of the imagination, but if there is nothing else on at 3 in the morning, and I mean NOTHING else, I might watch it.
The problem I know I'm going to have with this is that, knowing VH1, it's not going to do anything to bring about a positive stereotype for lesbians. It's going to be generalized and sensationalized. Look at their other shows. You're not going to get positive role models from Rock of Love, Flavor of Love or I Love New York. Then again, I don't think people are going to look back twenty years from now and see Tool Academy as the turning point in gay and lesbian culture as portrayed in the media.
OK. I'm off of my soapbox. If you would like to check out the first episode, which aired this last Sunday, I've embedded it below. Enjoy.
The problem I know I'm going to have with this is that, knowing VH1, it's not going to do anything to bring about a positive stereotype for lesbians. It's going to be generalized and sensationalized. Look at their other shows. You're not going to get positive role models from Rock of Love, Flavor of Love or I Love New York. Then again, I don't think people are going to look back twenty years from now and see Tool Academy as the turning point in gay and lesbian culture as portrayed in the media.
OK. I'm off of my soapbox. If you would like to check out the first episode, which aired this last Sunday, I've embedded it below. Enjoy.
When Stupid People Get Involved In Politics
I'm starting to think the only reason they called themselves the Tea Party is because they had a hard time spelling anything with more than three letters in it.
Photos courtesy of Morons With Signs.
Photos courtesy of Morons With Signs.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Flogging Molly Helps Raise PTSD Awareness
L.A.-based punk band, Flogging Molly devoted their latest video to raising awareness to PTSD and depression disorders. The song 'Punch Drunk Grinning Soul', off their year-old album 'Float', combines band performance with animation to create an extended public service announcement of sorts.
Flogging Molly was already one of my favorite bands. This just added respect and further devotion from my ITunes account. The video is below. Give it a look.
Flogging Molly "Punch Drunk Grinning Soul" with PSA
Flogging Molly | MySpace Music Videos
Flogging Molly was already one of my favorite bands. This just added respect and further devotion from my ITunes account. The video is below. Give it a look.
Flogging Molly "Punch Drunk Grinning Soul" with PSA
Flogging Molly | MySpace Music Videos
This Valentine's Day
This post was inspired by a comment I read on Andrew Sullivan's blog.
When I think about myself, it's hard for my wife's name to not come up in conversation. She is such a huge part of my life, I cannot describe who I am without bringing her up. Especially, if you start talking about fatherhood, or about how I have changed as a person since having my little girl. I'm just speaking for myself, but after just five years of knowing each other it has come to this point. I cannot imagine what it is like for people that have been together for 20, 30, or 40 years.
With that in mind, think about the person that you're with. How long have you been with them? Now, imagine when you go into work tomorrow, taking down any pictures of your life together. Any vacations. Any holidays. All pictures of their family or of them with the kids. When people ask you how your weekend was or what you did, lie. Where you went to dinner, who you were with...you weren't there and they don't exist. In fact, from now on, when you do go out to dinner, you go to places far out of the way and you're always looking over your shoulder. Or, you order in.
You no longer take any personal calls at work. All people in your life no longer have pronouns attached to them. It's no longer "he, her, him, his, she". All people in your live become "them" or "they". Your children lose their mother or father; as far as the world is concerned, you're a single parent. These are just a few of the many tracks you have to keep covered every minute of every day. Sounds degrading, doesn't it. Worst part is, what if you were told that if you made one little slip, you lost your job and faced a lifetime of public ridicule. This is the harsh reality that thousands of gay and lesbian soldiers live with daily.
Admiral Mullen said that repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell(DADT) was a matter of "human integrity". As you can see here, it's also a matter of human dignity. Thankfully, under the Obama Administration, it is getting more difficult to be discharged from the military for being gay. But, you can still have a court martial and eventually be dishonorably discharged under the "offense".
This Valentine's Day, give your significant other a kiss, knowing that in many places across the world, others cannot.
When I think about myself, it's hard for my wife's name to not come up in conversation. She is such a huge part of my life, I cannot describe who I am without bringing her up. Especially, if you start talking about fatherhood, or about how I have changed as a person since having my little girl. I'm just speaking for myself, but after just five years of knowing each other it has come to this point. I cannot imagine what it is like for people that have been together for 20, 30, or 40 years.
With that in mind, think about the person that you're with. How long have you been with them? Now, imagine when you go into work tomorrow, taking down any pictures of your life together. Any vacations. Any holidays. All pictures of their family or of them with the kids. When people ask you how your weekend was or what you did, lie. Where you went to dinner, who you were with...you weren't there and they don't exist. In fact, from now on, when you do go out to dinner, you go to places far out of the way and you're always looking over your shoulder. Or, you order in.
You no longer take any personal calls at work. All people in your life no longer have pronouns attached to them. It's no longer "he, her, him, his, she". All people in your live become "them" or "they". Your children lose their mother or father; as far as the world is concerned, you're a single parent. These are just a few of the many tracks you have to keep covered every minute of every day. Sounds degrading, doesn't it. Worst part is, what if you were told that if you made one little slip, you lost your job and faced a lifetime of public ridicule. This is the harsh reality that thousands of gay and lesbian soldiers live with daily.
Admiral Mullen said that repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell(DADT) was a matter of "human integrity". As you can see here, it's also a matter of human dignity. Thankfully, under the Obama Administration, it is getting more difficult to be discharged from the military for being gay. But, you can still have a court martial and eventually be dishonorably discharged under the "offense".
This Valentine's Day, give your significant other a kiss, knowing that in many places across the world, others cannot.
'We Are The World' Video Premiere
For those of you, like myself, that were unable to see the true premiere of the video during the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, I have embedded a copy below. My first impression: mixed. Touching video, and you'll like what they did with Michael Jackson's original parts...somewhat. But autotune on 'We Are The World'? And you decide to start out the 25th anniversary remake of one of the most memorable songs in history with Justin Bieber? Judge for yourself.
If you click on the white title at the top of the video, it will take you to a page on Youtube where you can make a donation to continue relief efforts in Haiti. Somehow the world has already seem to have forgotten about those people. The telethons may be over, it may no longer be on the news every five minutes, but people are still hungry and in need of your help.
If you click on the white title at the top of the video, it will take you to a page on Youtube where you can make a donation to continue relief efforts in Haiti. Somehow the world has already seem to have forgotten about those people. The telethons may be over, it may no longer be on the news every five minutes, but people are still hungry and in need of your help.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
I Think I Just Had An Epiphany
Ten years ago, I became deathly ill. I had stomach cramps that would not end. I was constantly sick at my stomach, at all times of the day, regardless of what I ate. I had numerous CT scans, MRIs and blood panels taken. I was given a possible diagnosis, and in some cases a suspected terminal illness, every other week for a period of three months. I was told within that time that I was dieing from colon cancer, a brain tumor, and stomach cancer. All tests came back negative. My life was a never ending emotional roller coaster that year.
Doctors eventually told me that I had an allergy to gluten. It's a protein found in grains. When I continued to get sick after sticking to a gluten-free diet, they called it Irritable Bowel Syndrome. No medication was given. No other tests were done.
Fast forward nine years. January 2009. I start getting sick at my stomach when I am stressed out. Within a matter of two to three weeks, I get sick every time I go out to eat at a restaurant. To this day, I still do. This is not an exaggeration. Every single time I go out to eat, regardless of where I am or what I am eating, I get sick. Often, within minutes of leaving the restaurant. If food is delivered to my house, or if I pick it up and bring it home, I don't get sick, and I never get sick with home cooked meals.
Again, I went to the doctor last February. Was tested for numerous conditions. This time, nerve disorders. CT scans and more MRIs. A colonoscopy and an endoscope...my second of each in ten years. Nothing. Again, they suggested a gluten allergy. Again, I still got sick even on a gluten-free diet.
Here is where my "Aha" moment came in. If you've been reading my posts, I haven't left the house in more than a week...about ten days. I was relatively tic free for those ten days. Within a half hour of leaving the house today I was ticking like crazy. You would think I haven't taken my meds in days. My tics got so bad this afternoon I was even smacking the back of my head. That's rare for me. I started getting stomach cramps within 10 minutes of leaving the restaurant we had dinner at tonight. These cramps were so bad they brought me to my knees. I was sick and in pain until I returned to the car and my wife started driving again.
I know it's stress related, but I wonder if they're tics. There is such a thing as gut or bowel tics. They're rare, but they happen. During that time ten years ago, I can't recall having any other tics, but obviously I had Tourette's. I will have to ask my Neurologist when I see him next month, but, I wonder if this is related to my TS. If it is, it would all make sense. If it's just how my body deals with stress, Jesus Christ, I got to buy a stress ball or something. This is ridiculous.
Doctors eventually told me that I had an allergy to gluten. It's a protein found in grains. When I continued to get sick after sticking to a gluten-free diet, they called it Irritable Bowel Syndrome. No medication was given. No other tests were done.
Fast forward nine years. January 2009. I start getting sick at my stomach when I am stressed out. Within a matter of two to three weeks, I get sick every time I go out to eat at a restaurant. To this day, I still do. This is not an exaggeration. Every single time I go out to eat, regardless of where I am or what I am eating, I get sick. Often, within minutes of leaving the restaurant. If food is delivered to my house, or if I pick it up and bring it home, I don't get sick, and I never get sick with home cooked meals.
Again, I went to the doctor last February. Was tested for numerous conditions. This time, nerve disorders. CT scans and more MRIs. A colonoscopy and an endoscope...my second of each in ten years. Nothing. Again, they suggested a gluten allergy. Again, I still got sick even on a gluten-free diet.
Here is where my "Aha" moment came in. If you've been reading my posts, I haven't left the house in more than a week...about ten days. I was relatively tic free for those ten days. Within a half hour of leaving the house today I was ticking like crazy. You would think I haven't taken my meds in days. My tics got so bad this afternoon I was even smacking the back of my head. That's rare for me. I started getting stomach cramps within 10 minutes of leaving the restaurant we had dinner at tonight. These cramps were so bad they brought me to my knees. I was sick and in pain until I returned to the car and my wife started driving again.
I know it's stress related, but I wonder if they're tics. There is such a thing as gut or bowel tics. They're rare, but they happen. During that time ten years ago, I can't recall having any other tics, but obviously I had Tourette's. I will have to ask my Neurologist when I see him next month, but, I wonder if this is related to my TS. If it is, it would all make sense. If it's just how my body deals with stress, Jesus Christ, I got to buy a stress ball or something. This is ridiculous.
Canadians Vote Transgender Rocker "Sexiest Canadian Man"
JMG pointed me to a blog post at After Ellen a few days back about a recent poll conducted by Chart Attack, Canada's premier music magazine. Lucas Silveira, the openly transgender lead singer of the rock band The Cliks, became the first trangendered man to win their annual "Throw Your Underwear Award Male" (Sexiest Canadian Man)award.
Lucas received 38% of the votes, narrowly beating out Deryck Whibley of Sum 41(Avril Lavigne's ex husband), who received 34% of the vote.
When asked about taking hormones to complete the transition, Lucas says that he was disappointed at first to realize that he wasn't going to be able to take them because of the effect it was going to have on his voice. As a singer, it would have the same effect as puberty for roughly two and a half years. With touring and recording, it wasn't an option.
It's encouraging to see our neighbors to the North are so open minded. Would be nicer to see some of that progressive thinking on our side of the border. Here is a clip of Lucas singing one of my favorites:
Lucas received 38% of the votes, narrowly beating out Deryck Whibley of Sum 41(Avril Lavigne's ex husband), who received 34% of the vote.
When asked about taking hormones to complete the transition, Lucas says that he was disappointed at first to realize that he wasn't going to be able to take them because of the effect it was going to have on his voice. As a singer, it would have the same effect as puberty for roughly two and a half years. With touring and recording, it wasn't an option.
I started thinking about that because I feel like, not only am I a voice for the trans community going out into mainstream, but there are guys like me. We’re they guys who are truly in the middle. I’ve had top surgery, but I’m not doing T(estosterone). And to tell you the truth, I don’t know if I ever will. I feel very comfortable being where I am right now.
It's encouraging to see our neighbors to the North are so open minded. Would be nicer to see some of that progressive thinking on our side of the border. Here is a clip of Lucas singing one of my favorites:
Monday, February 8, 2010
My Life As A Hostage
I have memories of my Tourette's tics as far back as second or third grade. Back then, I wasn't diagnosed as having Tourette's. I was "disruptive". I was "hyperactive", "easily distracted" or I was someone who "doesn't pay attention in class". I got in trouble more times than I can count for interrupting class or not paying attention in church, and my ass saw it's share of beatings.
It wasn't until August of 2006, that I started to display tics that made me think something was wrong with me. When I had certain memories come up, or when I was especially stressed, my entire upper body would start to jolt violently. The frequency of these tics increased last Spring to the point where I was having hundreds of tics per day.
I was finally diagnosed as having Tourette's Syndrome on June 25th, 2009, at the age of 34. I was thrilled to finally have a diagnosis and a name to what I had been experiencing. I knew that this was something I wasn't going to die from, and, with medication, I could expect a fairly quick recovery. I couldn't have been further from the truth....
What I didn't know was that my brain was like a leaking dam. By trying to plug one hole, I had caused two more cracks to appear. My upper body jolts were starting to stop, but new tics were starting. These were tics that even my neurologist (a former head at Barrow Neurological Institute) had never seen.
I had developed an accent tic. Mid-sentence I will change accents, often to Northern Irish. I even will incorporate local slang and curse words. Then, as suddenly as it appeared, it will disappear...often mid-sentence. Stranger still, another accent that I have picked up is Matthew McConaughey. That one really annoys the wife.
I have also developed a migraine tic. Theoretically, I shouldn't be getting migraines since one of my Tourette's medications is also a drug to prevent migraines. I now have a migraine of some grade pretty much 24/7. The worse my migraine gets, the less I have any other tics; the migraine completely takes over my brain. The migraine will eventually get so painful that no medication will alleviate it and I have to go to the ER.
I have developed more common, and more frustrating Tourette's tics, like having to repeat a word over and over until it sounds right to me, or (a new one for me) the need to touch the top of my head over and over. I still have my upper body jolt, except now it is accompanied with a bark.
I entitled this post, "My Life as a Hostage", because that is exactly what it feels like to me. I foolishly felt like I was getting better over the last week or so. I went grocery shopping today and when I came home I started ticking again. I realized the reason I was feeling better is because I haven't left the house in ten days. My wife said something to me and I said "OK". Then, I yelled back "OK" more than a dozen times for the next two minutes as I walked to the dining room and sat down at the table. A voice in my head was telling me "Shut up. Stop it", while another voice was saying "He can't". It was like I was being held hostage. When I have to keep tapping the top of my head, it is usually while I am driving (I know...scary). It is entirely beyond my control. I'm steering with my knees and thinking about a bully in grade school, taking control of my arms, saying, "Why are you hitting yourself"? The worst one is the accent. It's like being a ventriloquist dummy. The worst part is, you never know when it's going to come.
For those of you without Tourette's, I can only describe it as if someone has stolen the remote that controls your body, and occasionally, just for kicks, makes you do things you don't want to.
I want my remote back.
It wasn't until August of 2006, that I started to display tics that made me think something was wrong with me. When I had certain memories come up, or when I was especially stressed, my entire upper body would start to jolt violently. The frequency of these tics increased last Spring to the point where I was having hundreds of tics per day.
I was finally diagnosed as having Tourette's Syndrome on June 25th, 2009, at the age of 34. I was thrilled to finally have a diagnosis and a name to what I had been experiencing. I knew that this was something I wasn't going to die from, and, with medication, I could expect a fairly quick recovery. I couldn't have been further from the truth....
What I didn't know was that my brain was like a leaking dam. By trying to plug one hole, I had caused two more cracks to appear. My upper body jolts were starting to stop, but new tics were starting. These were tics that even my neurologist (a former head at Barrow Neurological Institute) had never seen.
I had developed an accent tic. Mid-sentence I will change accents, often to Northern Irish. I even will incorporate local slang and curse words. Then, as suddenly as it appeared, it will disappear...often mid-sentence. Stranger still, another accent that I have picked up is Matthew McConaughey. That one really annoys the wife.
I have also developed a migraine tic. Theoretically, I shouldn't be getting migraines since one of my Tourette's medications is also a drug to prevent migraines. I now have a migraine of some grade pretty much 24/7. The worse my migraine gets, the less I have any other tics; the migraine completely takes over my brain. The migraine will eventually get so painful that no medication will alleviate it and I have to go to the ER.
I have developed more common, and more frustrating Tourette's tics, like having to repeat a word over and over until it sounds right to me, or (a new one for me) the need to touch the top of my head over and over. I still have my upper body jolt, except now it is accompanied with a bark.
I entitled this post, "My Life as a Hostage", because that is exactly what it feels like to me. I foolishly felt like I was getting better over the last week or so. I went grocery shopping today and when I came home I started ticking again. I realized the reason I was feeling better is because I haven't left the house in ten days. My wife said something to me and I said "OK". Then, I yelled back "OK" more than a dozen times for the next two minutes as I walked to the dining room and sat down at the table. A voice in my head was telling me "Shut up. Stop it", while another voice was saying "He can't". It was like I was being held hostage. When I have to keep tapping the top of my head, it is usually while I am driving (I know...scary). It is entirely beyond my control. I'm steering with my knees and thinking about a bully in grade school, taking control of my arms, saying, "Why are you hitting yourself"? The worst one is the accent. It's like being a ventriloquist dummy. The worst part is, you never know when it's going to come.
For those of you without Tourette's, I can only describe it as if someone has stolen the remote that controls your body, and occasionally, just for kicks, makes you do things you don't want to.
I want my remote back.
Thinking About "T"
Since writing last night about the friend of mine that died, a number of memories have come to mind. The last time I saw her was about two weeks before she died. We bumped into each other at the State Fair. Neither of us had a partner for the Zipper ride, so we rode together. I had a crush on her at the time, so to be able to spend some quality time with "the girl of my dreams" was amazing.
I thought she didn't even know my name, but she did. She was down to earth, smart and funny. After the ride was over, we went on a couple more. I never thought it was the last time I would see her. After she died, I started writing. Poetry, stories, anything that would clear my head. I don't know if I would be writing today if it weren't for her.
That afternoon on the Zipper, the song that played on the PA system was Alphaville's Forever Young. I didn't like the song then. I'm still not a fan of it to this day, but when I hear it, I'll stop and think of that afternoon with T:
I thought she didn't even know my name, but she did. She was down to earth, smart and funny. After the ride was over, we went on a couple more. I never thought it was the last time I would see her. After she died, I started writing. Poetry, stories, anything that would clear my head. I don't know if I would be writing today if it weren't for her.
That afternoon on the Zipper, the song that played on the PA system was Alphaville's Forever Young. I didn't like the song then. I'm still not a fan of it to this day, but when I hear it, I'll stop and think of that afternoon with T:
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Should "Religious Bigots" Have Rights Over Us?
This was an interesting question posed in an editorial in a British Paper over the weekend. As it specifically mentioned Jehovah's Witnesses, I took notice, and I think it made an interesting point.
Should a Witness's "right" to refuse a blood transfusion for their children in a medical emergency be respected in the name of "religious tolerance"? Likewise, when it comes to a Christian Science family, should their "right" to refuse medical treatment entirely for their child, regardless of the circumstance, be respected?
There are a couple of things that bother me about that question. They are things that would only bother me as a person that has experienced aspects of the religion first hand. As a parent, and as a member of the ACLU, my instinctual thought is to say, "Yes, it is their Constitutional, First Amendment right to practice their religion as it is established, and to raise their child in it".
In November of 1991, a friend of mine was driving Southbound on the I-17 in Phoenix, AZ. Her tire blew out. She pulled off the side of the road and turned on her hazard lights. She got out and opened her trunk. Just as she leaned in, an elderly lady mistook her flashing lights for the traffic in front of her and hit her at almost 60 miles per hour. It severed her legs mid-thigh. She spent the last couple hours of her life saying goodbye to what family and friends were able to get to the hospital in time. With a transfusion, she could have lived a long life. She would have likely been a double amputee, but she could have walked again with prosthetics. She died before midnight that night. She was 19.
Did she die because of her faith, or because of peer pressure and fear? As a Witness, you have a card in your wallet that is called a "medical directive" or 'No Blood' card. It's like a Medic Alert bracelet. It isn't optional. It's REQUIRED. It has to be signed by one of the elders in the church and two witnesses. If you're a minor or unmarried, usually those witnesses are your parents. If you're married, one of those witnesses is your significant other. So, if you're ever in an emergency and you are unconscious, you have the three people most likely to have your back and kill you on the operating table signing the card too.
I thought of my friend as a hero 18 years ago. Now, she was just an unfortunate kid that was pressured by her parents to die for something she probably didn't believe in. If she wasn't pressured, I don't know what to think about her.
This is what pisses me off about the whole thing, if Jehovah's Witnesses banned blood completely, 100%, no questions asked, that would be OK with me. I would understand their beliefs and maybe, I said MAYBE, even support them. In fact, I'm sure that's what most of you think.
HOLD ON TO YOUR HATS FOLKS. THIS IS GOING TO ROCK YOUR WORLD:
JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES ARE ALLOWED TO ACCEPT CERTAIN "PARTS" OF BLOOD. Blood is about 55% plasma. Plasma is 92% water. For the most part, that other 8%, when separated into its different elements, is allowed. Platelets, which make up only .17% of blood...allowed. Red cells, which make up 45%...allowed. White cells...allowed. So, if they are transfused separately it's OK. Altogether...the worst sin that could possibly be committed toward God.
It's like saying that it is a sin to eat a ham sandwich. BUT...if you eat the ham, the Swiss cheese, the bread, the lettuce, and the mayo separately, it's fine.
Witnesses are allowed to accept these donations any time they are needed, but are forbidden to donate back into the supply or store their own blood to be used at a later time. This, to me, is religious bigotry. When you expect the world to help you, but, because of your belief system, refuse to help others, that's bigotry.
Hemophiliacs occasionally get a transfusion of a clotting agent called Factor VIII. It takes, in some cases, 2500 blood donations, or up to 14,000 kilos(30,800 pounds) of blood, to make one dose of Factor VIII. Witnesses are allowed to take transfusions of Factor VIII, but not allowed to donate back into the supply. That doesn't sound Christian to me.
So, now that I have let you in on some inside knowledge on the Witnesses and blood transfusions, what do you think? Should religions get a blank check? Should they be able to do as they please and get what they ask for without question?
Should a Witness's "right" to refuse a blood transfusion for their children in a medical emergency be respected in the name of "religious tolerance"? Likewise, when it comes to a Christian Science family, should their "right" to refuse medical treatment entirely for their child, regardless of the circumstance, be respected?
There are a couple of things that bother me about that question. They are things that would only bother me as a person that has experienced aspects of the religion first hand. As a parent, and as a member of the ACLU, my instinctual thought is to say, "Yes, it is their Constitutional, First Amendment right to practice their religion as it is established, and to raise their child in it".
In November of 1991, a friend of mine was driving Southbound on the I-17 in Phoenix, AZ. Her tire blew out. She pulled off the side of the road and turned on her hazard lights. She got out and opened her trunk. Just as she leaned in, an elderly lady mistook her flashing lights for the traffic in front of her and hit her at almost 60 miles per hour. It severed her legs mid-thigh. She spent the last couple hours of her life saying goodbye to what family and friends were able to get to the hospital in time. With a transfusion, she could have lived a long life. She would have likely been a double amputee, but she could have walked again with prosthetics. She died before midnight that night. She was 19.
Did she die because of her faith, or because of peer pressure and fear? As a Witness, you have a card in your wallet that is called a "medical directive" or 'No Blood' card. It's like a Medic Alert bracelet. It isn't optional. It's REQUIRED. It has to be signed by one of the elders in the church and two witnesses. If you're a minor or unmarried, usually those witnesses are your parents. If you're married, one of those witnesses is your significant other. So, if you're ever in an emergency and you are unconscious, you have the three people most likely to have your back and kill you on the operating table signing the card too.
I thought of my friend as a hero 18 years ago. Now, she was just an unfortunate kid that was pressured by her parents to die for something she probably didn't believe in. If she wasn't pressured, I don't know what to think about her.
This is what pisses me off about the whole thing, if Jehovah's Witnesses banned blood completely, 100%, no questions asked, that would be OK with me. I would understand their beliefs and maybe, I said MAYBE, even support them. In fact, I'm sure that's what most of you think.
HOLD ON TO YOUR HATS FOLKS. THIS IS GOING TO ROCK YOUR WORLD:
JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES ARE ALLOWED TO ACCEPT CERTAIN "PARTS" OF BLOOD. Blood is about 55% plasma. Plasma is 92% water. For the most part, that other 8%, when separated into its different elements, is allowed. Platelets, which make up only .17% of blood...allowed. Red cells, which make up 45%...allowed. White cells...allowed. So, if they are transfused separately it's OK. Altogether...the worst sin that could possibly be committed toward God.
It's like saying that it is a sin to eat a ham sandwich. BUT...if you eat the ham, the Swiss cheese, the bread, the lettuce, and the mayo separately, it's fine.
Witnesses are allowed to accept these donations any time they are needed, but are forbidden to donate back into the supply or store their own blood to be used at a later time. This, to me, is religious bigotry. When you expect the world to help you, but, because of your belief system, refuse to help others, that's bigotry.
Hemophiliacs occasionally get a transfusion of a clotting agent called Factor VIII. It takes, in some cases, 2500 blood donations, or up to 14,000 kilos(30,800 pounds) of blood, to make one dose of Factor VIII. Witnesses are allowed to take transfusions of Factor VIII, but not allowed to donate back into the supply. That doesn't sound Christian to me.
So, now that I have let you in on some inside knowledge on the Witnesses and blood transfusions, what do you think? Should religions get a blank check? Should they be able to do as they please and get what they ask for without question?
The Apology Rahm Emanuel Should Have Issued
Best line: "You come after me on Facebook? What are you...14?" Priceless.
Proud Democratic father moment: When watching this on TV, my 20 month old daughter ran up to the set, pointed to the portrait of the President in the background and started yelling "Bama...Bama".
Friday, February 5, 2010
'Front Of The Class' Tomorrow Night On CBS
I have just been made aware that tomorrow night on your local CBS station, the made-for-TV movie 'Front of the Class' will be making a rare reappearance. The movie originally aired to high acclaim a couple of years ago and is based upon the book of the same name by Atlanta Area educator Brad Cohen.
He developed Tourette's Syndrome at the age of 10, and, after overcoming a number of obstacles, became a very successful teacher. I have not had a chance to see the movie, but, from what I have been told, it is quite accurate, and very inspirational.
So, if you have a chance to see it, please do. If you'll be out, Tivo it. You never know if it will make it's way back around again. How often do you get to see a movie on TV about TS? One where they're not making jokes about it, no less?
He developed Tourette's Syndrome at the age of 10, and, after overcoming a number of obstacles, became a very successful teacher. I have not had a chance to see the movie, but, from what I have been told, it is quite accurate, and very inspirational.
So, if you have a chance to see it, please do. If you'll be out, Tivo it. You never know if it will make it's way back around again. How often do you get to see a movie on TV about TS? One where they're not making jokes about it, no less?
Facebook Clusterfuck
This Facebook adventure has been nothing but a confusing mess to those of you trying to sign on, so far. I signed up a couple of days ago, and because of the email address I used, the settings got all screwed up. Even after changing email addresses, the settings still wouldn't revert back to normal. I had to deactivate the account and start again.
Long story short,(too late) I had to sign up again under a different address. Even though I deactivated the old account, It is still showing up on Facebook.
****If you would like to become a fan of The Daily Twitch of Facebook, you will find TWO results in your search. Select the result that has MORE THAN ONE status update.*****
Thank you.
Sorry for the clusterfuck. :)
- Twitch
Long story short,(too late) I had to sign up again under a different address. Even though I deactivated the old account, It is still showing up on Facebook.
****If you would like to become a fan of The Daily Twitch of Facebook, you will find TWO results in your search. Select the result that has MORE THAN ONE status update.*****
Thank you.
Sorry for the clusterfuck. :)
- Twitch
Thursday, February 4, 2010
"This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things"
I'm still trying to get accustomed to the fact that I am a father of a toddler. I have been the proud father of a beautiful baby girl for almost two years. Now, within the last couple of months, she has made the transition to toddler, and at times, I tend to forget until it's too late.
Case in point: I was rinsing some dishes and the wife had left the baby in the living room to use the restroom. The living room was dead silent. I could see the dog in the front room. DOG + BABY(IN SAME ROOM) = TROUBLE. DOG + BABY(IN SEPARATE ROOMS) = DESTRUCTION.
I ran into the living room. My daughter was elbow deep into the exhaust port of my subwoofer. I pulled her arm out, and in her right hand was a white Mega Block. Sure enough, I tilted the subwoofer forward, and there are at least two or three in there already. Would you believe I have only had the speaker for about six weeks. We bought it as a Christmas present for ourselves.
Life with a toddler is different. It's like having a house guest that knows how to turn everything on, and isn't smart enough to realize that your IPod doesn't go into the dog's water bowl. My daughter and I have a battle every morning. She wants to watch Mickey Mouse and gets pissed off because it's not on. But, every time I turn the TV on with the remote, she runs and turns it off manually.
So far, we've been lucky. I swear she's hidden our camera, but I can't prove it. Other than that, we haven't had any real issues. She turns everything on, and occasionally turns the XBox off in the middle of a game. If that is the most damage we suffer, we've come out of it unscathed. If I can just end her fascination with gravity so she will stop dumping out the dog bowls now.....
Case in point: I was rinsing some dishes and the wife had left the baby in the living room to use the restroom. The living room was dead silent. I could see the dog in the front room. DOG + BABY(IN SAME ROOM) = TROUBLE. DOG + BABY(IN SEPARATE ROOMS) = DESTRUCTION.
I ran into the living room. My daughter was elbow deep into the exhaust port of my subwoofer. I pulled her arm out, and in her right hand was a white Mega Block. Sure enough, I tilted the subwoofer forward, and there are at least two or three in there already. Would you believe I have only had the speaker for about six weeks. We bought it as a Christmas present for ourselves.
Life with a toddler is different. It's like having a house guest that knows how to turn everything on, and isn't smart enough to realize that your IPod doesn't go into the dog's water bowl. My daughter and I have a battle every morning. She wants to watch Mickey Mouse and gets pissed off because it's not on. But, every time I turn the TV on with the remote, she runs and turns it off manually.
So far, we've been lucky. I swear she's hidden our camera, but I can't prove it. Other than that, we haven't had any real issues. She turns everything on, and occasionally turns the XBox off in the middle of a game. If that is the most damage we suffer, we've come out of it unscathed. If I can just end her fascination with gravity so she will stop dumping out the dog bowls now.....
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
I Am Now On Facebook
"The Daily Twitch" now has a Facebook page. If you are a reader, do a search on facebook for The Daily Twitch and become a fan of the page. It's a great way for me to get to know my readers and the issues that are important to them. I look forward to meeting you.
Thanks,
Twitch
Thanks,
Twitch
Rejection Is A Bitch
There isn't a better way to say it. Even when you're expecting it, rejection is one hell of a bitch. As some of you may know, I had my mental evaluation with the Social Security Psychiatrist on January fourth. It didn't go that well in my opinion, but, he told me to expect a response from the SS(that's what I've decided to call them from now on), within the next two to three months.
Imagine my surprise when I opened my mailbox yesterday to find a thick envelope from the SS postmarked the 27th of January. "Fuck", I thought, "This can't be good". I have to admit, I was waiting for this letter to come, just not so soon. In my mind, three months meant three months....OK....two months....hell, at least sit on the paper work for six weeks to make me think I have a chance. The SS doctor didn't even turn his paperwork in until the 8th of January. That gives me what? Seventeen...eightte...NINETEEN DAYS?!? COME ON!!!
I read through the the first paragraph of the letter so fast I entirely missed the part were I was rejected. I assumed it, but kept reading. I came across a list of the doctors whose information was taken into consideration. Missing from the list, of course, was my biggest cheerleader, my therapist. He had so many pages of info to send them, it could have made your head spin. They never called to request it. Instead, I had the two neurologists that misdiagnosed me to begin with, A gastro doctor that I haven't seen since April, and my primary physician. She was great years ago, but her practice has gotten to the point that if you're not in there for botox, you're not worth her time. Haven't been in there since July.
So, right off the bat, those four doctors worthless. Here's what got me. The letter said that according to the information that was given to them, that I have made such an improvement that I should be able to return back to work by 04/10/2010. BACK THE TRUCK UP. APRIL 4TH? OF THIS YEAR? Who said that? Couldn't be my psychiatrist. He just prescribed me Xanax to help me get more than two hours of sleep per night, an increase of one anti-depressant, and an additional anti-depressant to hopefully help stop the nightmares I have about my family at night.
And my neurologist, couldn't be him. He has even suggested drilling holes in my head to place electrodes on my brain to stop my Tourette's tics. I still have tics where I speak in an Irish accent. I've started a new tic where I have to touch the top of my head. He has also increased my Invega because I have started to have "super tics" where my head and neck seize up and I stop breathing mid tic for up to 60 seconds. Yeah, I'll be fine in two months(sarcasm).
I wonder if it was that SS doctor that saw me for a total of 45 minutes that made that assessment. That is what pissed me off about the whole situation to begin with. The thought of having someone that you have no history with, telling a government agency whether or not you're sick enough to be disabled or not. The day that I saw him in particular, I had a migraine at about a level 9.5. I was very quiet. I wasn't ticking much because my migraine is my tic when I have one. The whole situation just frustrates me.
I knew this was coming, but it doesn't make it easier. I have 60 days to appeal the decision, and you bet your ass I'm appealing. In the meantime, it's a waiting game.
Imagine my surprise when I opened my mailbox yesterday to find a thick envelope from the SS postmarked the 27th of January. "Fuck", I thought, "This can't be good". I have to admit, I was waiting for this letter to come, just not so soon. In my mind, three months meant three months....OK....two months....hell, at least sit on the paper work for six weeks to make me think I have a chance. The SS doctor didn't even turn his paperwork in until the 8th of January. That gives me what? Seventeen...eightte...NINETEEN DAYS?!? COME ON!!!
I read through the the first paragraph of the letter so fast I entirely missed the part were I was rejected. I assumed it, but kept reading. I came across a list of the doctors whose information was taken into consideration. Missing from the list, of course, was my biggest cheerleader, my therapist. He had so many pages of info to send them, it could have made your head spin. They never called to request it. Instead, I had the two neurologists that misdiagnosed me to begin with, A gastro doctor that I haven't seen since April, and my primary physician. She was great years ago, but her practice has gotten to the point that if you're not in there for botox, you're not worth her time. Haven't been in there since July.
So, right off the bat, those four doctors worthless. Here's what got me. The letter said that according to the information that was given to them, that I have made such an improvement that I should be able to return back to work by 04/10/2010. BACK THE TRUCK UP. APRIL 4TH? OF THIS YEAR? Who said that? Couldn't be my psychiatrist. He just prescribed me Xanax to help me get more than two hours of sleep per night, an increase of one anti-depressant, and an additional anti-depressant to hopefully help stop the nightmares I have about my family at night.
And my neurologist, couldn't be him. He has even suggested drilling holes in my head to place electrodes on my brain to stop my Tourette's tics. I still have tics where I speak in an Irish accent. I've started a new tic where I have to touch the top of my head. He has also increased my Invega because I have started to have "super tics" where my head and neck seize up and I stop breathing mid tic for up to 60 seconds. Yeah, I'll be fine in two months(sarcasm).
I wonder if it was that SS doctor that saw me for a total of 45 minutes that made that assessment. That is what pissed me off about the whole situation to begin with. The thought of having someone that you have no history with, telling a government agency whether or not you're sick enough to be disabled or not. The day that I saw him in particular, I had a migraine at about a level 9.5. I was very quiet. I wasn't ticking much because my migraine is my tic when I have one. The whole situation just frustrates me.
I knew this was coming, but it doesn't make it easier. I have 60 days to appeal the decision, and you bet your ass I'm appealing. In the meantime, it's a waiting game.
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