Autobiographical Songs Part V

It seems like from day one of our relationship, my wife and I have been on our own. We have had no one else to count on. Shortly after we met, I lost my family. Hers were in Iowa. We had a number of acquaintances, but no real "friends" to count on, for the most part. Just the two of us, for the better part of four years.

Somehow, we made it. Everyday, our love for each other stronger than the last. We have always been told that we have the perfect relationship...the type of marriage you only see in the movies. We've been together for a little over four years and have never had a fight. We very rarely, if ever, raise our voices around each other. She's into video games. I like to help her pick out clothes. It just works.

The song I am writing about tonight is "our song", 'Chasing Cars' by Snow Patrol. Had we had a "traditional" wedding, this would have been the first dance at our reception. Instead of marrying in Vegas as planned, we got married in our kitchen, the night after Thanksgiving, by our friend Lindsay, with two witnesses in attendance to sign the license. Instead of champagne and wedding cake, we each had a bowl of chocolate chip ice cream.

The song is very simple in it's writing style. It's not overly flowery or wordy. That, I think, is what I like about it. It gets to the point. The first verse describes us perfectly:

"We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone"

We have been through more drama in the four short years that we have been together, than some couples see in a lifetime. Six, count them, six moves, two of which were long distance. Not to mention the loss of my family. The stress associated with the loss of a job and the subsequent unemployment. Pregnancy and the birth of our baby girl. Then my medical/mental issues came to the forefront. We're now dealing with the consequences associated with that. A couple of months ago we lost the family van. Last Friday, I received the last paycheck from my employer that I'll ever get. My career is over. I am expecting a decision from MetLife within the next 24-48 hours with a decision as to whether my long term disability has been approved. Since I can no longer care for myself, we're discussing the possibility of having my wife quit her job to become a caretaker of sorts. So, her career is so to end as well.

My favorite line from the song is one that has been edited out of the U.S. single and radio versions heard here in the States. It says, "I need your grace to remind me to find my own". Just being in my wife's presence makes me a better person. She makes me want to be a better human being. I am who I am today because of her. I wouldn't care about anyone in this world other than myself if it wasn't for trying to copy her selfless attitude, and I don't thank her enough for that. She is the greatest "human" I have ever personally had the pleasure of knowing, and I'm so happy I have her here to instill her values and morals in my daughter and keep me in check as well. I love you Jessi...I knew it from the moment I first saw your eyes.

It took me forever to find the U.K. version of the song. It includes the extra line. Enjoy.



Here is a pic of the two of us from a much less stressful time. It was taken in a photo booth at the 2007 New Mexico State Fair just weeks before we were married. We were a little more punk then and a little less crazy. The pic is currently on our refrigerator. I still smile every time I get the milk.

Bigotry In The News 10/17/09 - Update

Ceara Sturgis, the young woman in Mississippi whose yearbook picture was pulled because she posed in a tuxedo, has received a ruling from the superintendent of her school board. The school board has decided to uphold their ruling, according to local news sources.

In a statement released Friday to the Copiah County Courier, school Superintendent Ricky Clopton said the district has no intention of reversing its decision. "We have had our legal counsel research the validity of the position of the School District on this matter," he said in the statement. "We are informed by counsel that this exact issue has been litigated in federal court. The decisions of the federal courts completely support the policy of the district in this regard. It is the desire of the Copiah County School District to inform, first, the patrons of the district, and second, all other interested parties, that its position is not arbitrary, capricious or unlawful, but is based upon sound educational policy and legal precedent."

They're treating this as a dress code issue, nothing more, completely ignoring the sexual orientation undertones of the story. Ceara was featured today in USA Today, and currently has a Facebook fan page, which, at the time of this post, is nearing 1100 fans. Good luck in your fight Ceara.

Einstein: God Is Nothing More Than Human Weakness

I've heard people say that Einstein was a religious man. Many people say that it is possible to be a man of faith and a man of science. If Einstein was capable of being a man of faith, and perhaps the greatest mind the world has ever seen, there may be truth to it.

I have been following a blog calledLetters of Note in recent weeks. It features primarily historical letters from historical figures. The letters are mostly entertaining, thought provoking, or historically noteworthy. The following is from their posting from October 7th. It is a letter from Albert Einstein to philosopher Erik Gutkind after reading his book, 'Choose Life: The Biblical Call to Revolt'. The feature that makes this website interesting is that they have a photocopy of the letter itself, followed by the transcript. The transcript reads as follows:

"Princeton, 3. 1. 1954

Dear Mr Gutkind,

Inspired by Brouwer’s repeated suggestion, I read a great deal in your book, and thank you very much for lending it to me ... With regard to the factual attitude to life and to the human community we have a great deal in common. Your personal ideal with its striving for freedom from ego-oriented desires, for making life beautiful and noble, with an emphasis on the purely human element ... unites us as having an “American Attitude.”

Still, without Brouwer’s suggestion I would never have gotten myself to engage intensively with your book because it is written in a language inaccessible to me. The word God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weakness, the Bible a collection of honorable, but still purely primitive, legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. No interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this. ... For me the Jewish religion like all other religions is an incarnation of the most childish superstition. And the Jewish people to whom I gladly belong ... have no different quality for me than all other people. As far as my experience goes, they are also no better than other human groups, although they are protected from the worst cancers by a lack of power. Otherwise I cannot see anything “chosen” about them.

In general I find it painful that you claim a privileged position and try to defend it by two walls of pride, an external one as a man and an internal one as a Jew. As a man you claim, so to speak, a dispensation from causality otherwise accepted, as a Jew of monotheism. But a limited causality is no longer a causality at all, as our wonderful Spinoza recognized with all incision...

Now that I have quite openly stated our differences in intellectual convictions it is still clear to me that we are quite close to each other in essential things, i.e. in our evaluation of human behavior ... I think that we would understand each other quite well if we talked about concrete things.

With friendly thanks and best wishes,

Yours,

A. Einstein"

Apparently, Einstein did see some value in the Bible, but no more than one would see in, say, Aesop's Fables. So, can a man of faith be a man of science? Do science and religion mix? Einstein didn't think so.

A Very Tough Question From A Brave Little Boy

Tyren Scott, a nine year old boy from Paulina, Louisiana, was selected to ask the last question at a public meeting that President Obama was holding in New Orleans on Thursday. Finally, after nine long months, it took a timid fourth grader wearing his Sunday best to publicly ask what every Democrat has been wondering lately: "Why do people hate you? They're supposed to love you, and God is love."

Obama's response:

Lady Gaga...The Jury's Still Out

I have to be honest. I am still at a loss when it comes to Lady Gaga. Over the last year I have seen video after video and single after single come out, and I still can't decide whether I like her or not.

She was the musical guest on 'SNL' two weeks ago. I was actually surprised and impressed by her musical ability. She was amazing on the piano and had a SUPERB voice. I just don't get her music. Maybe I'm getting old. Maybe SHE IS the future of pop music and I just don't like what I'm hearing. Then again, I don't see what makes the Black Eyed Peas so special. I'm shocked that they broke the record for the highest number of weeks at number one. It actually depresses me that music is headed in that direction.

Anyway, moving back to Lady Gaga...here is my dilemma. At the moment, I really can't stand her music, but, she is a HUGE supporter of the gay and lesbian community. She spoke up to make things clear before signing on to open for the ill-fated Kanye West tour. She spoke at the National Equality March. She has the potential to be the next Madonna for the gay community. I would love to see her have a long career, and not just become the "flavor of the month". Because of that fact alone, I want to learn to like her. I want to buy her CD just to send some money her way to help her and her cause.

On the other side of things, look at her:



Girl's just crazy. This was at the Video Music Awards last month. I know back in her day, Madonna was "revolutionary" when it came to the fashions she wore. She had the ridiculous cone bras. She was over the top. That was 25 years ago. Things have changed obviously, but damn....

So, I'm torn. What do you think? Leave me a comment with your thoughts.

'Tea And Cake Or Death'

Eddie Izzard is easily one of my favorite comedians. Well, he was, before he went all "Hollywood", starring in 'The Riches' and 'Oceans 12 and 13'. One of my favorite Izzard routines comes from his 'Dressed to Kill' DVD. 'Tea and Cake or Death', a routine about the Church of England, is best when performed by Izzard himself in high heels and drag. A close second would be this interpretation done entirely with Legos:

This Could All Become A Positive Experience

I was trying to fall asleep last night, and I started thinking about everything that has gone on in the last 9 months. I started thinking to myself, "What if this ends up making me a better person. What if I find a purpose in life; figure out what I'm supposed to do."

My lifestyle has changed drastically since I started short term disability in February. My first few weeks, all I did was watch TV and play video games. I had no interests. I had no hobbies. I had no concern for anyone or anything outside of the four walls of my own home. Very quickly, television became boring, and so did checking TMZ.com every 15 minutes. I was starting to realize there was more to life, and I was missing out.

I was restless. Everything and nothing sounded interesting at the same time. One thing was too expensive to try, the other was too boring. One was too time intensive, the other not consuming enough. I was bored, but not enough to be motivated to get off my ass and really try something new.

This whole experience has made me a better father. I have been able to spend so much time with my little girl that I would have never been able to spend otherwise. I am getting to watch my little girl grow up. I wouldn't be able to do that on a 40 hour a week schedule with her in daycare.

With my wife being the knitting and crocheting goddess that she is, I thought it would be a fun idea to learn how to spin my own wool and yarn. I even scheduled myself in to take a class at a local yarn store. By the time the classes came around, I was so on edge with my PTSD, that I had my wife take the class in my place. She was a natural at it(of course).

I started to think of the two things I know most about in life, food and music, and how I could work with them as mediums. I took two years of culinary school back in high school but dropped out due to a lack of hand/eye coordination at the time. I learned a lot in those two years though, especially how different flavors, and scents, go together. I decided to do a little bit of research about how to make soap. Within a week of my first attempt, I made six different food inspired scents. I realized, for the first time in a long time, I was doing something that I enjoyed that didn't involve a computer or TV.

I tried to find things to make out of my old, useless vinyl collection. I made decorative bowls out of the recycled records. I'm starting to make jewelry with them now and learning how to build clocks to put into them. This is fun to me now. I hardly have my TV on anymore.

We used to have a DVR that was so full that we were constantly erasing shows to make room for new ones. The only two shows I watch now are 'Glee' and 'Flash Forward', and I haven't seen 'Flash Forward' in three weeks. I can't watch TV anymore. I cry too much now. This is the first season of 'Grey's Anatomy' that I'm missing. I used to cry for about 15 minutes or so after each sad episode. Now, it would take me three days to recover.

As I said before, I discovered Twitter back in June, and blogging last month. This is either my 59th or 60th blog in 5 weeks. I'm addicted to it. Sure, some of my blogs are a little childish, but hey, it's how I calm down. I love blogging. So much in fact, that I am considering writing a book based upon all the crap that I've dealt with in my life. I haven't even hit 1% of what I've experienced.

I'm discovering myself. For the first time in my life, I have hobbies. I have interests. I care about other people now. I read the news, and see a story about a lesbian girl in Mississippi that isn't allowed to have her yearbook picture printed, and I want to share it with people. I want other people to know about it. When I start feeling better, I want to start volunteering. I've never felt this way before. I've only cared about myself. I have been so selfish in my life and now my outlook on the world is so different. Maybe all this shit that has ruined other parts of my life has completely enriched other parts of my life. It's so hard to explain, but I am so thankful for that aspect of my life right now. I feel so much richer for it.

'Take On Me' In The Dairy Section

Jessi and I were talking about this clip from 'Family Guy' earlier today, and I just couldn't get it out of my head until I posted it. It's funny as all hell and I think of it every time I reach for a gallon of milk or orange juice at the grocery store. Pass it on.

Soundtrack of My Life 10/17/09 Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat 'Lucky'

From the album 'We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things' by Jason Mraz, 'Lucky' was an instant favorite of ours from the moment we first heard it. So far, we've been very lucky in our relationship. We're buddies. We're best of friends, and we couldn't ask for more.

The song just became available yesterday to sing on 'Lips', a karaoke video game that we own. We have been trying for half of the morning to get the harmonies down, and we're doing pretty well. At the moment, our top score is ranked 4th in the world. We're nerds like that. The singing is good therapy for me, so I spend a lot of time playing 'Lips' and 'RockBand'. For those of you that haven't heard the song before, here is the video:

Bigotry In The News 10/17/09

Actually, these were stories from yesterday. By the time I came to writing this blog, it was almost 1am already, so I thought, "What the hell. It can wait till morning".

Top Story: Good 'Ol Boy Justice Of The Peace In Louisiana Refuses To Marry Interracial Couple

Keith Bardwell, Justice of the Peace of Tangipahoa Parish in Southeastern Louisiana, recently refused to marry an interracial couple. His grounds: the effect it would have on their children. Quote via the Huffington Post:

"I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way," Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. "I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else."

Bardwell said he has discussed the topic with blacks and whites, along with witnessing some interracial marriages. He came to the conclusion that most of black society does not readily accept offspring of such relationships, and neither does white society, he said.

"There is a problem with both groups accepting a child from such a marriage," Bardwell said. "I think those children suffer and I won't help put them through it."


Bardwell has been a justice of the peace since 1975, and admits to rejecting other interracial couples' attempts to get married by referring them to someone else that was willing to marry them. One problem: The Supreme Court ruled in 1967 "that the government cannot tell people who they can and cannot marry."...part of this thing called Civil Rights legislation that popped up in the mid 60s for this very reason.

Needless to say, people across Louisiana, and across the nation, are pissed. The Governor of Louisiana answered questions concerning Bardwell in a press conference yesterday. This man is an elected official. Last time he was elected, he ran unopposed, and he is scheduled to be in office until 2014. The ACLU is planning on filing a lawsuit. Expect to be hearing about this one for some time to come.

Story #2: High School Lesbian Left Out Of Yearbook For Wearing A Tuxedo

Ceara Sturgis is your typical, over achieving high school senior. She gets straight A's, she's goalie of her soccer team, she's active in the local chapter of Students Against Drunk Driving, and even plays trumpet in the school band. She's also an out and proud lesbian student. According to her mother, she isn't comfortable in "girlie" clothes, never has been.

So when it came time for senior pictures to be taken earlier this summer, Ceara had only one idea that came to mind: a tuxedo. It wasn't considered "cross-dressing" to her. It was being herself, and being comfortable in a picture that would speak for the four years she spent in high school.



Last month, Ceara and her mom were notified that the school
was refusing to print the picture in the yearbook. Once again, enter the champions at the ACLU. Neither the school or the school board have made one comment regarding the story, but this has obviously upset the LGBT community. The location? Mississippi. Why do these things always seem to happen in the South?

Update From The Doctor

I went to the neurologist today. He doesn't think that I have any form of degenerative brain disease(Alzheimer's, etc.), but we're going to do quite a bit of blood work to just make sure. Currently, I am on 375mg of Topamax a day. He thinks that quite a few of the problems I am having are due to the high amounts of the Topamax. He feels that the forgetfulness and the fact that I am tired all day are from the drug.

He wants to reduce the Topamax to 300mg a day and mix in 10mg of Abilify a day as well. The Abilify should help things with the PTSD some too. The problems with my word association, my newly discovered accents, and my stuttering in stressful situations, may all be new forms of Tourette's tics manifesting themselves as other forms of tics subside. He said there are dozens of types of vocal tics associated with Tourette's Syndrome that it is impossible to be sure, but it is very likely a possibility. Um....great.

I went to Walmart to pick up the Abilify prescription. My copay was $75.00. Without my insurance, it would have been $487.00. But, $75.00 for a 30 day supply. That's $2.50 a pill. I can't afford that. I can't afford half that. The insurance company, Medco, has a history of gouging their customers on the more expensive medications to force them to use their 90 day supply by mail service. The same medication by mail would be $50 for 90 days, instead of $225 in the store. Meanwhile, I have to wait until Monday to call my doctor. Have him fax a script to Medco. Wait for Medco to mail the package to me. In the meantime, I have no medicine. And, once I get my pills, I have to hope things work with them so I don't end up changing prescriptions and having the pills go to waste.

I am on six other medications, and combined they cost less than $75 a month to maintain, some as little as $4.00. It's no wonder people can't afford health care. I can't afford it, even with insurance. I'm spending between $200 and $250 a month on medical expenses...just for myself, not including my wife or my daughter. That is with insurance. That's an electric bill. That is my cable, car insurance, water, and gas bill combined.

Ok.....I didn't mean for this to turn into a bitchfest about healthcare costs. I'm sorry. Goodnight.

ETA...(10/19/09)After doing some research, the mail order option is $125.00 for 90 days. This is even less viable. So, in the meantime, I am without a necessary medication. I may be able to get it if/when I am finally released from my employer as an employee and my profit sharing fund is sent to me in the form of a check. That will hopefully be at the end of the month.

I Have Seen The Future Of Gaming

I have seen the future of gaming. I have seen the hottest video game title of the year. The game people will be trading everything they have into GameStop in order to buy before Christmas morning. That game is 'DJ Hero'.

Jessi and I were at Best Buy this afternoon, and were able to experience a hands-on demo of the game. The demo featured three songs:

'Heard It Through The Grapevine' vs. 'Feel Good Inc.'
'Hollaback Girl' vs. 'Give It To Me'
'Boom Boom Pow' vs. 'Satisfaction'

The mixes are first rate. Just as good, if not better than anything that I've heard in the club. It's no surprise why. Mixes by DJ AM, Z-Trip, and other world class DJs were used by the makers of the game to make it as genuine as possible. If I were able to rip these tracks off as MP3s, the game would be worth it alone just for the music.

The hardware was sturdy and realistic. It looked and acted as a real turntable. Not as big, but life like.

My only complaint, the price. At $120, it's a little pricey when other games out there are selling for $60. You literally can get two other games that are coming out for the Christmas holiday, or another title with a cool peripheral('Tony Hawk's Ride') for the same price.

I must admit, the game is going to do for turntable sales what 'Guitar Hero'/'RockBand' did for guitars. I can't wait to see what DLC they have coming out for this game. I can't wait to see a bunch of little eight year olds wanting to be DJs....only in a perfect world.

A Lovely Greeting Card

Our friend Heather is having her baby shower tomorrow afternoon. She and her boyfriend Adam are expecting a little girl, Teagan Jade, within the next 3-4 weeks. Tonight, my wife and I found the card we are going to give with our present. It reads as follows:

Outside:
SOMEDAY, she'll be a famous pianist
or a high school science teacher.
She'll settle down, marry, have a couple of kids.
Maybe she won't

SOMEDAY, she'll help millions of people
all over the world.
Or maybe she'll travel,
send letters from Africa
or phone you from Rome.
SOMEDAY, she'll be a strong,
confident woman...

Inside:
...but you'll always remember
the first time
you held her in your arms.

SOMEDAY, she'll have
her own hopes and dreams,
not knowing that once upon
a quiet time, you closed your eyes
and dreamed
to have her in your life.

I instantly started crying. Lennon climbed up the cart to hug me. I knew this was "the card".

I didn't get to hold Lennon until the morning after she was born. She was crying in the NICU. Jessi and I were scrubbing in. There were 20 other babies crying in the room with her. Although I had never heard her cry before, I recognized my baby. I told Jessi, "That's Lennon". When we walked into the room, I walked up to her isolette, leaned over, and said, "It's OK, daddy's here". She turned to me and stopped crying. It was the happiest moment of my life. It was more than anything I could have ever imagined.

Sure, sometimes parenting is hard as hell. Sometimes she can be a pain in the ass(I hate to say it...but it's true). But there are times when it's the easiest thing I have ever done. She loves dancing and singing. She howls like a Wild Thing. She is the greatest thing I have ever done.

Heather...Adam...Congratulations. Enjoy this time. Be sure to teach her what is important to you. Communicate with each other. Play fair, and have fun.

Autobiographical Songs Part IV

Jehovah's Witnesses don't believe in heaven. Well, not in the traditional sense. They don't consider it to be an option to be their final resting place. They don't believe in hell either.

They believe that when you die, you die....that's it. You become worm food. You lie in the ground. Romantic, isn't it? They believe that soon, god(yes, I am intentionally using a small G), will bring an end to all the evil and wickedness on earth in one big showdown called Armageddon. This is when he will smite all the evil ones with floods, and earthquakes, and lightning bolts shot from his arse. From what I have been taught by my mother, this is the wait awaiting myself and my family for not following god's will.

In October of 2006, My Chemical Romance released 'The Black Parade', an emo powerhouse of an album. Produced by Rob Cavallo, the producer of 'American Idiot', this was a masterpiece of a record from front to back, and easily, the best rock album of the year. Track nine was a little ditty called 'Mama', which actually had a cameo from Liza Minnelli. With the events that were occurring in my life at the time, I especially took pleasure in this track. To this day, I still have a Devilish smile every time I hear it.

Below are the lyrics and the song for those of you who haven't heard it. Enjoy.

Mama, we all go to hell.
Mama, we all go to hell.
I'm writing this letter and wishing you well,
Mama, we all go to hell.

Oh, well, now,
Mama, we're all gonna die.
Mama, we're all gonna die.
Stop asking me questions, I'd hate to see you cry,
Mama, we're all gonna die.

And when we go don't blame us, yeah.
We'll let the fires just bathe us, yeah.
You made us, oh, so famous.
We'll never let you go.
And when you go don't return to me my love.

Mama, we're all full of lies.
Mama, we're meant for the flies.
And right now they're building a coffin your size,
Mama, we're all full of lies.

Well Mother, what the war did to my legs and to my tongue,
You should've raised a baby girl,
I should've been a better son.
If you could coddle the infection
They can amputate at once.
You should've been,
I could have been a better son.

And when we go don't blame us, yeah.
We'll let the fires just bathe us, yeah.
You made us, oh, so famous.
We'll never let you go.

She said: "You ain't no son of mine
For what you've done they're gonna find
A place for you
And just you mind your manners when you go.
And when you go, don't return to me, my love."
That's right.

Mama, we all go to hell.
Mama, we all go to hell.
It's really quite pleasant
Except for the smell,
Mama, we all go to hell.

2 - 3 - 4
Mama! Mama! Mama! Ohhh!
Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma...

[Liza Minelli:] And if you would call me your sweetheart,
I'd maybe then sing you a song

[Gerard Way:] But this shit that I've done with this fuck of a gun,
You would cry out your eyes all along.

We're damned after all.
Through fortune and flame we fall.
And if you can stay then I'll show you the way,
To return from the ashes you call.

We all carry on (We all carry on)
When our brothers in arms are gone (When our brothers in arms are gone)
So raise your glass high
For tomorrow we die,
And return from the ashes you call

Autobiographical Songs Part III

On January 6, 2006, I quit my job with the family business, and, a couple of weeks later, stopped all communication with my family altogether. This caused major mental and emotional issues to develop since the situation was a long time coming. Instead of walking away from my family, it was more like a "mutual disowning". I was no longer a Jehovah's Witness, and had gotten to the point where I was not going to play along with their requirement of living a double life any longer.

I was hurt and confused. I felt like I had done something wrong. I was grieving the loss of my family, especially my mother. Throughout my life, she had been my best friend and the one that had always been there for me. I had set her up on a pedestal for so many years, and I felt as if I had let her down.

In July of 2006, Blue October released the single, 'Hate Me'. I had heard it on the radio a time or two and instantly thought of my mother. I thought of how much I had let her down, and how disappointed she had to be in me.

Later that next month, Jessi, my girlfriend at the time, and I were watching something on TV. Something came on that reminded me of my mother and I started to cry. I cried about the situation quite a bit during that time, but this time was different. My whole upper body jerked, as if I had been hit with defibrillator paddles but I didn't have a bed behind me to catch my shoulders or head.

"Are you OK?"

"I don't kno..." BAM...It happened again.

"What's going on hun?"

"I have no idea"....BAM.....BAM..BAM BAM...By now I'm hysterically crying and jerking uncontrollably. The tics are coming about once every 2-3 seconds, the next more violent than the last. By now my hands are shaking. I know it has to be stress induced.

Jessi draws a hot bath for me. I'm still crying, ticking, shaking....but now rocking front to back. I keep saying to Jessi, "I fucking hate her. I fucking hate her. How can you do this to your own fucking child?"

"I don't know hun. I don't know."

That was the night that I had my first Tourette's tic. I was diagnosed almost three years later, and then diagnosed with PTSD 5 weeks after that. I have had a total of 5 days without a tic since that night in the bathtub. Needless to say it was a pretty memorable night.

So what does this have to do with the song? That was also the night where the role of "Monster" in my mind was played by my mother instead of by me. I used to think that I was the black sheep, the odd man out. I realized that night that I was the one that finally said no to the years of brainwashing an manipulation and abuse at the hands of my mother. The song initially had a meaning to me of "sorry I'm not who you wanted me to be, so I'll drive as far as I can away from you so I can't hurt you anymore". Then, overnight, it became a "look what you tried to do to me, but I was stronger than you, so I'll drive as far as I can away from you so you can't hurt me anymore with what you consider love".

To be honest, the song still throws up some very bad memories. So many, in fact, that I can't even listen to the song without going into a breakdown. I used to sing it all the time at karaoke, but it's to heavy of a song to sing. Still a damn good song. That being said, I haven't previewed the clip below, so forgive me if it is not complete.



Interesting side note: The "in house" portion of the video, where it follows the lead singer through the house, was filmed in one take. They sped the audio track up during filming 300% to get the slow motion effect. The video was filmed in the house he grew up in as a teenager.